fun

ASTROLIQUOR for February 1–6—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, this week offers you the chance to ditch a couple of people who’ve been bugging you. You could do a Facebook friend cull, which wouldn’t require any diplomacy, or you could behave like a typical Aries and pick a fight. Totally up to you. Meanwhile, mind your pennies, hit your boss up for a raise, and ignore anybody’s advice, no matter where it comes from (this space excepted). And if your boss says “Pack your things,” that’s the time to throw a punch. BTW, your drink is punch: Hawaiian Punch with Jack Daniel’s.

Taurus, your intuition is right on the money this week. In fact, people are asking you for advice. Now’s the time to start your own psychic counselling service. Did you know Sylvia Browne charges $850 a reading, and she thought Mitt Romney would win the U.S. election? Holy crap, you don’t even have to be right more than 50% of the time to make a shitload of money “helping” people—and the stars say you should do it! They also say you need a mint daiquiri, so get out the rum and Cointreau.

Always sociable, Gemini, you will have more than your share of interesting discussions this week—mostly about other people’s dirty laundry. Amazingly, no one is shocked by your sordid questions. (Are they all as loaded on Hennessey and peach schnapps as you?) You have a gift for looking someone right in the eye and asking, “Did you ever get that mole on your ass removed? It looked just like Rick Santorum.”

Cancer, the week starts with a financial windfall—possibly the Lotto Max jackpot or a massive prize home. As delighted as you’ll be, you’ll finally have to confront the question: “Now that I can buy as much alcohol as I want, whenever I want, and I don’t have to work for money, nor do I even have to leave my show home … will I just spend every day ripped out of my head?” You might want to dry out for a week and think about it. (Or not.)

Leo, your mind turns to sunshine and debauchery, which always calls for tropical blender drinks. As you frappé rum, pineapple juice, coconut cream, and a banana, you think of all sorts of raunchy ideas. Not about your partner, though, so it’ll be an interesting week. You may be thinking, Well, it’s fine for me because I don’t have a partner.  But the stars are not here to help you; they’re here to mess your shit up, so your raunchy ideas will be about animals or siblings.

Virgo, this is a good week for contacting people and reheating old friendships. You are coming across as less superficial and more trustworthy than usual. You feel a genuine urge to take care of others—but be careful if you’re buying rounds at the bar; too much generosity could empty your wallet. Better to invite a few good friends over for dinner champagne and vodka. Add some cranberry juice; the stars say you have a bladder infection.

Libra, you’ll be assailed by technical glitches this week. Expect trouble from your cell phone, tablet, iPod, vibrator—you name it. Be especially cautious about downloading porn; experts at LBHQ tell me that’s the numero uno way to catch a virus. If you have to spend all your money cleaning your computer (and that means the keyboard too—use a towel), you’ll have nothing left in your bar but vermouth (which you could drink with some bitters, but wouldn’t some gin be nice too?).

With a headful of Chardonnay, you’re not going to come up with any good answers this week, Scorpio. Ask friends for solutions to life’s problems. They may surprise you with their innovative thinking and/or just camp out at your house and finish your Southern Comfort. And the stars? They’re random as all hell for you: Write a long, rambling email to your oldest friend. Do not ride the bus at all between now and Valentine’s Day or you will certainly get involved with a weirdo.

Sagittarius, you’ll have the impulse to visit an old Leo friend—someone who tolerates you about once a year. Once upon a time you two hooked up, then things got weird for years, but now all is cool…at least unless you start slamming beers and 80-proof vodka together. Keep your drink total under, say, eight, and your meeting will be uneventful. BTW, the stars think you should go to the gym.

Professionalism continues to take a backseat, Capricorn, as you lash out at co-workers over a shared project. Try giving them some space instead of pushing your opinions. At the very least this will win you some respect for your maturity. At best you’ll get to take credit for the project without having done much work. Nice going! Spend your bonus on rum and triple sec.

Aquarius, traffic is out to get you this week. Don’t do any extra driving or deviate from your habitual route. Likewise, dark clouds are gathering at work. Keep a low profile; you’re good at being invisible when you need to be. There are nasty co-workers out to get you (OMG! The stars are paranoid!). All of which means you should save that big ol’ box of cheap white wine until AFTER you get safely home.

Pisces, invite your friends and family over for a nice home-cooked meal. FYI, this does not mean groundhog or raccoon or possum. Spend a little money to make a pleasant meal for your guests. Your generosity will thrill them and it will be good for you too. Who knows? Maybe they will show up with armloads of Jagermeister, rum, and DeKuyper Razzmatazz, making your outlay for supermarket ingredients a good investment.

ASTROLIQUOR for January 4-10 (2013!)—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, someone—probably a Cancer—will move away without telling you. You’ll clue in after they’ve gone, then spend a week halfheartedly stalking them on the Internet. Thing is, your life is better with this person out of it. Work’s more productive, and even when it’s not, your Alt/Tab reflexes are at their best. Forget about that Cancer! Here’s how: Find four kinds of schnapps and mix them in equal parts, then match what you’ve got with tequila. Oblivion!

Taurus, your memory dropouts will come back to haunt you this week when an old friend reappears—and you can’t remember who the hell the person is. Do your best to recall; this is an interesting friend who can help you professionally. I see you two staying up all night drinking Red Bull with raspberry vodka—all before you have a clue what this person’s name is. Good times.

You have a nutty way of looking at the world, Gemini, and much of the time people don’t “get” you. This week, however, the stars forecast understanding and communication, so do whatever you want; no one will judge you. On Saturday you’ll party with an elderly person. Make sure you telephone later; this person doesn’t have Internet (OMG!). Here’s your party mix:

  • 3 oz rum
  • 3 oz chocolate liqueur
  • 3 oz Irish cream
  • 1 oz milk

Cancer, don’t grumble about your misfortunes. Load up on peach schnapps and confront the person causing them. Guaranteed it’s a Capricorn or a Virgo. If you think this will end badly, you may be surprised. This person has wisdom you don’t even know about. Saturday’s the best day to pick up another Cancer. Try the Walmart section where they sell mesh underwear bags.

Leo, there’s a Pisces you’d love to get naked with, but only if they’ll promise not to talk. Not a good start, but if your junk has its way you’ll end up pursuing this not-very-satisfying relationship. Distract yourself with professional activities. This should remove you from temptation, unless of course you’re in the world’s oldest profession. Your drink?

  • 2 oz vodka
  • 1 oz creme de noyaux
  • 1 oz cherry brandy
  • Cream to taste (I say none)

Virgo, you get the urge to take on extra work, but be careful. Your douchebag colleagues are only too glad to offload their projects. Only do what really interests you. Fact is, you don’t really have to work at all. On Monday you’ll probably win the lottery, and then you can tell everybody to shove it. That’s the day you arrive in a Ferrari and a Starbucks laced with 80-proof rum. You deserve it, you hard worker.

Libra, you’ll replace some of your boring friends with new people this week. As a Libra you won’t feel fickle for doing this; the stars ordain that you should jettison old friends for fascinating new ones. The result will be scintillating conversations and financial opportunities, mondo creativity, and the worst freaking hangover you ever endured. That’s what happens when fascinating new people fill your bathtub with blackberry schnapps and creme de cacao.

Are you feeling gloomy, Scorpio? The stars call for happy orange drinks with lashings of Grand Marnier and orange Curacao. Get sufficiently lit up on this sunny combo and take a beachside walk. You’ll meet a nudist enjoying the bracing January day, and the two of you will enjoy a unique romance throughout January and February.

Sagittarius, you don’t like asking for help, although you often take advantage of family members. This week you’ll need to muster the courage to seek help from a colleague—a nasty bugger who’s always nitpicking your work and busting you for being on Facebook. Loosen this dickhead up with a flask of vodka and Jagermeister—or better yet, save it for yourself.

You’ve grown emotionally, Capricorn, and this ramps up your social appeal. Which will you choose to get naked with—Virgo or Scorpio? And if that’s not the sign of your existing partner, get ready for some turbulence, ’cause the stars say you’re doing this thing. No doubt gin martinis will play a role, but don’t have too many. You need to get up early to visit garage sales. There’s a priceless antique waiting for you to find it.

Aquarius, you feel happy and clever, having solved a challenging intellectual problem. What a brainiac! In fact, you might have too many brain cells. Give them some rum. Once you dumb yourself down you’ll have a vapid flirtation with a neighbor following a ridiculous conversation about lawn fertilizer. Your brain cells will be terribly conflicted, but your naughty bits will like it.

Pisces, there are all sorts of hidden meanings in your mail. Read it carefully! Add up the vowels and consonants; see if there’s a code. You know this isn’t paranoid; there are people out there (mostly Cancers) dedicated to messing with your head. Don’t worry, though, most of them are harmless. The other ones you can invite over for an Everclear party. They need Everclear because it can stop their synapses from making wacky connections between random bits of information. Remember to go outside at least once this week.

ASTROLIQUOR for Dec. 14-20—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, no more griping about lack of attention—all eyes are on you this week. You’ll meet tons of new friends, all of whom you’ll wear out within the week. Two romantic prospects will come and go, scared off by your morning vodka-and-watermelon-schnapps habit. From there the week will become considerably more sordid. Enjoy!

Taurus, it’s time to broadcast your worth. Your brain cells are pulling together this week, and you can best anyone in a debate. Throw off last week’s introversion and start a verbal brawl. Take your newfound aggression to work; coworkers will be stunned when you refuse to deal with your piles (whether paperwork or hemorrhoidal). If shyness is an initial barrier, that’s why they make Southern Comfort.

Love is in your stars this week, Gemini, so make sure you strut your thong-wearing self. Take your red-hot charisma to Walmart, meet new people, and trade fashion tips. When you’re riding high (and your pants are riding low), it’s safe to go to work with a headful of Blue Curacao, Midori melon liqueur, Malibu, and Captain Morgan. All will be forgiven!

Cancer, be cautious with romance this week. There are weird people out there, and you are just one of them. There are no “best” days for hitting on strangers, so put your focus on holiday planning or decorating, or just mix up a big jug of vodka, bourbon, and peach schnapps that you can pound at home.

Leo, the stars call for sexual turbulence (interpret that as you will) but not necessarily a solid romance. One hook-up in particular will leave you tingling for an unexpectedly long time—perhaps until mid-January. Is it love? Or does that tingle come courtesy of combining rum with Red Bull? Nope. That tingle will need antibiotics.

Although as a Virgo you’re known for acting very deliberately, this week you’ll be seized by bizarre compulsions. Lost for an explanation of your own behavior, you thrash between nature and nurture. Did your upbringing mess you up? Or is your brain misfiring? Or is a breakfast of Kahlua, creme de bananes, and Bailey’s to blame? Phone your parents and ask if you’re adopted.

Libra, you’ll slough off old habits this week and embrace new ways of thinking. This will affect your personal and professional activities and launch you into new opportunities. You’d be surprised how impressed your boss will be when you quit mixing Captain Morgan and Dr. Pepper at work. It’s hard to say how long this positive upswing will last, so don’t spend too much money. You’re on your boss’s radar now, and if you lapse, you might end up putting your stuff in a cardboard box.

Is your interest in other people genuine, Scorpio? Admit it! You are bored with people! You want to hole up at home and experiment with gin. Taking a break from socializing will replenish your energy and eventually renew your appetite for the social scene. Have you ever put an egg, two limes, some sugar, and a big honking bottle of gin in the blender? This would be a worthy experiment. You could tell stories about it next week when you start enjoying human company again.

Sagittarius, the romance/sex dichotomy presents itself, and you decide to jettison the former. (OMG, who saw that coming?) Good week for it too—you exude sensuality, but only for one week. Next week you will be nauseating! Don’t feel sad; it’s not innate—it’s what comes of slamming drink after drink of vodka, Midori, and Chambord, ralfing it all over the floor, and lying in it.

Professionalism takes a backseat, Capricorn, as you ramp up for holiday mode. Cut corners at work, fob projects off on colleagues, or just work on the Penske file. You’ll find everyone else is ready to be festive too. Go to the pub on the weekend and buy a round of gin cocktails. Charge it to your boss.

Aquarius, you have an emotional week on tap. One second you’ll be crying, the next laughing, the next freaking out and starting a bar fight. Settle down and write some poetry or arrange some flowers. You need to occupy yourself so you don’t end up with a black eye. Hollow out a pineapple and fill it with different kinds of schnapps.

Pisces, sober up or you’ll forget to play Secret Santa. Somebody will buy you a bottle of Mastika (how specific is that?…the stars are pretty much f#cking themselves on this prediction), and there you’ll be, looking like a douchebag, with nothing for your giftee. Even if you’re feeling cheap, a small item will do. What about some homemade moonshine? Or some flowers swiped from a neighbor’s yard?