Check it out, my fellow inebriates…my belated birthday cake.
Well, not just mine. I had two co-celebrants: a poodle and a chihuahua. Note (if you can make it out) the doggie candles. It seems we had no bear candles.
It is a marble cake with white chocolate and milk chocolate drizzle. According to the humans it turned out pretty well, although if you visit the recipe page you’ll note the absence of kirsch, brandy, rum, Bailey’s, Kahlua, or even Malibu!
And I am freaking terrified of fire.
Fail!
Coffee doesn’t have to suck! If, like me, you can’t stand the way it wakes you up and makes you more alert, there’s an easy fix. These pics are from Liqurious. Click for recipes.
You couldn’t possibly be productive after a few of these. Equal parts tequila and kahlua with a scoop of vanilla ice cream in your coffee…I’m thinking you get the day off work.
This looks really wholesome and homey with those cookies but that little cup packs 2 ounces of Chairman’s Reserve Spiced Rum plus some orange curacao for good measure. You could pound a few of these and give the cookies to your kids. Sounds wholesome, right?
This is a classic Irish coffee but with a modern flourish. For starters you need espresso plus a few crazy ingredients (maybe some of my fellow inebriates know what turbinado sugar is but I don’t). You need mint leaves, people! That makes it almost healthy, which means you should have seven. Take the next day off as well.
Amaretto, coffee, cream, and cognac…ahhhh! Guess which one of the four necessary ingredients we have in the house? (Hint: It sucks.) No wonder LBHQ is so uncivilized.
This cocktail contains a bit of chilled coffee but is thankfully dominated by rum. Gingerbread essence and pumpkin molasses (Martha Stewart? What the hell are these things?) provide seasonal flavor along with some Kahlua for extra hooch. Replete with a gingerbread cookie garnish, it’s another family-friendly winner. How many cookies can your kids polish off? That’s how many drinks you get to have 🙂
In my fantasy world there wouldn’t be any such thing as wine/food pairing. There wouldn’t be food. We’d all just be awash in booze. But for my friends who enjoy solids now and then, following some loose guidelines can enhance the eating/drinking experience.
I’m worried that Hannibal Lecter might not be following these wine/food pairing guidelines. Let’s see whether Hannibal’s on the right track with his Chianti.
Not everybody knows what human meat tastes like. Chances are your local wine consultant doesn’t. Just try asking for a pairing suggestion. You’ll see hesitation in the consultant’s eyes, then fear—the fear that you’ll see through his/her bullshit answer and discern that he/she has no idea what to pair with maple-glazed human.
There’s plenty of specious information on the subject, so you have to be very careful that your wine consultant hasn’t fallen for the description circulated by promoters of the human meat substitute hufu (“contrary to popular belief, people do not taste like pork or chicken”), or that your consultant hasn’t merely sampled placenta, more akin to organ meats such as liver or kidney than, say, a human steak. No, you want an actual cannibal to advise you whether Chianti’s on the money with your human entrée.
Enter Armin Meiwes, a German man who gained fame in 2001 by killing and eating a volunteer he found through a website called the Cannibal Café. Not distinguishing between the Café’s intended satire and his own deviant appetites, Meiwes interviewed many candidates who expressed interest and then backed out, finally settling on Bernd Jürgen Brandes, whose penis he severed so the two could share it fried in garlic and butter. Meiwes gave the fully consenting Brandes a shitload of painkillers and bled him out in the bath, butchered and froze him, then spent the next ten months enjoying reduced grocery bills as he sampled Brandes every which way, even grinding up his bones to make flour.
This is a dude who would certainly know what human tasted like—at least one particular human—and he was happy to describe it in an interview:
Cabernet Sauvignon—too rich and tannic; overwhelming with human’s delicate and salty flavor. When shopping, ask yourself, “What would go with pork?” and you’ll probably do fine.
So Chianti would go okay with human for supper, especially with a tomato-based sauce, but Hannibal Lecter could do better. Especially with German cuisine featuring sauerkraut and other acidic notes, I’d lean toward a Riesling or a Sauvignon Blanc. If you’re dead set on a red wine, try a nice, light Beaujolais.
It’s really tough to find a great wine consultant. My own wine store has a stellar one, and I still don’t think he’d be up to speed on human dishes. Isn’t it wonderful to have the Internet?
Liquorstore Bear 