booze horoscope

ASTROLIQUOR for April 26 to May 3, already in progress—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Once again the horoscope hasn’t come together on time, leaving you on your own to decide what to drink this week. Are you okay so far?  (I bet you are.)

Aries, you’ve recovered from an embarrassing ailment and now you’re feeling tip-top. Extra sleep has helped you, and perhaps even sobriety as well. But who can keep that shit up? Here’s your drink:

  • 2 oz vodka
  • 2 oz Southern Comfort
  • 2 oz grenadine
  • 2 oz sloe gin
  • 2 oz triple sec

Add a whole bunch of orange, cranberry, and pineapple juice—say, 4 oz each. Shake with ice in a cocktail shaker and you’ll be back to normal in no time.

Taurus, it’s “opposite week” for you, as you determinedly do exactly the opposite of what everyone says. Pretty normal for Taurus, only you’re in turbo mode this week. Shirk all responsibilities and run away from work. Toss your obligations in the toilet and celebrate with a Tidy Bowl: three parts vodka to one part Blue Curacao. Shake and swirl it with ice until cold, then (gratuitously enough) float four to six raisins in your concoction.

Gemini, thong season is making you insecure about your body. But your embarrassment goes beyond the physical; you are feeling generally inadequate. This happens to everybody, and the best cure is always getting drunk. But in such a self-flagellating mode, you might as well choose a punishing drink. That way you can exorcise your bad self-talk in one bracing go. I’m thinking Jagermeister with butterscotch schnapps and Coke. Yeah.

Cancer, don’t turn a blind eye to your financial strain. If you keep pissing away your paycheque you’ll be cadging drinks by June. As for July and August, thank goodness those months are warm (at least around here) because you might be sleeping outside. If you think I’m talking about my dad, who is a Cancer, I’m not. My dad needs to go out and blow all our money on alcohol right now. I’m talking about you other Cancers in the world. The stars advise you to buy a cheaper brand of bourbon. And what the hell—some cheap rum too. And maybe some Jagermeister. Say hi to my dad if you run into him.

Leo, the stars will test your relationships this week. Maybe you should just jettison the ones you don’t care about right now; it beats some of the more embarrassing alternatives. What alternatives? you ask. You know, Leo. Beating the shit out of each other on the sidewalk outside a bar, for instance. Putting away a litre of vodka and prancing around in a thong in front of someone who is not into you. Stuff like that.

Slow down, Virgo, or you’ll miss out on something monumental this week. Take time to perambulate and notice small details. The world doesn’t need you to be productive this week; in fact, most people won’t notice if you put away a few drinks behind the desk. The key is to take it slow. Here’s a luxurious libation you can sip:

  • 1 oz Bailey’s
  • 1 oz creme de menthe (buy the green kind)
  • 1 oz Frangelico

Libra, the stars hereby order you to leave the computer. Your eyes are rectangular from all your recent screen time, and meanwhile the real world suffers because you’re not participating in it. Okay, maybe it doesn’t suffer, but you could use some Vitamin D. You could also use a  Bacardi 151–inspired adventure. Mix equal parts vodka and coffee brandy, pour rum on top and light on fire (just for a second or you’ll lose too much booze).

Initiative will reward you socially, Scorpio. Don’t wait for friends to email you; most of your friends are really flaky and won’t bother. Send them a crazy message detailing some wildly irrational behavior in which you’re engaged right now—and which they’re missing out on. Now you’ve set the scene in motion, you’d better start doing something fun or your friends will arrive expecting madness and find you sitting at the kitchen table or trimming your nose hairs or something. Can’t think of anything wild to do? This will help:

  • 2 oz Jagermeister
  • 2 oz cinnamon schnapps
  • 2 oz Kahlua

Sagittarius, life will mistreat you this week. At times you’ll feel persecuted. But compare the present with, say, a decade ago. Chances are you’re much wiser and more successful now. Don’t you wish you could get into a time machine, go back ten years, and kick your young self’s ass? Ride out this bad week with lashings of vodka, Midori Melon, and Bacardi 151. You’ll need some limes with that.

Expect a message from an old contact, Capricorn—a curious message with suspicious subtext. Whether it’s harmless the stars don’t know; stars are just stupid balls of gas, after all. But do think twice about reuniting because this person has probably, over the last decade, turned into a total nutbag. Even though you’ll be hammered when you receive the message (email or text—again, the stars are too stupid to furnish details) on an elaborate concoction of Scotch, creme de menthe, Kahlua, Bailey’s, and black tea, you’re still a Capricorn, damn it, and that means you’ll have the presence of mind to ignore it. Completely as an aside, and totally unrelated, on Sunday you will score sexually.

Aquarius, the renovation bug attacks this week, but the time isn’t quite right. Maybe you should just buy one piece of furniture or a tasteful work of art. Whatever you end up doing, try to follow the Feng Shui rules, and don’t operate any nail guns, glue guns, or chainsaws you happen to find lying on the next-door neighbor’s lawn (beneath a sign that says “All Free”) if you have already consumed a bottle of Bacardi. And no, Red Bull will not sober you up; it will just make your vomit more colorful.

Pisces, the moon’s influence is optimal for making life-changing plans. Whether you follow those plans is another story. The stars think you’ll distract yourself from taking any action—perhaps with video games, or maybe the quest to make the perfect Sangria. This latter pursuit is a good one for you, Pisces. You probably have a good collection of cheap but barely drinkable wine bought on a Pisces-type budget. Or you may have vodka instead, in which case your Sangria is actually yukaflux, and that’s the best way to bring summer on.

ASTROLIQUOR for April 19–25—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, someone close to you is having a birthday soon—don’t forget! Seriously, you’ve been having some badass memory blackouts, so put the date in your phone or something. Buy a nice present and show up sober. You guessed it—you’re the zodiac’s Designated Driver this week. Yay, you! The stars know you totally hate having this honor, but somebody’s got to do it. Pour yourself some chocolate milk.

Taurus, you can’t escape the weight of responsibility this week. You’ve been procrastinating for days, and there’s a big pile of work waiting for you. Think of ways to cut corners and get it done fast. But hold off on the Kahlua until you finish; it’s genuinely difficult to do a project when you’re shitfaced. Reward yourself afterwards with a drink. The stars wonder if you are sore from masturbating so much.

Gemini, you seem sure of yourself but it is all an act. Feel free to keep it up this week; people like you better when you’re pretending to be someone else. You’ll attract a Capricorn on Tuesday or Wednesday. This person is very fond of thongs, and also enjoys brandy with lime juice, bitters, and club soda. Stock up your bar and your underwear drawer.

Cancer, you may anticipate an easy week, but you’re dreaming. You’ll run out of money and spend the weekend consoling yourself by draining your liquor cabinet—say goodbye to your stockpile of Maker’s Mark and Grand Marnier. When the hell did you buy artichoke liqueur? Oh well, it’s gone now. Pick yourself up on Saturday and go somewhere. Don’t worry; you’ll meet someone nice.

Leo, you’re conflicted about relationships. Fact is, you don’t know what you want: a fling? or something serious? And the dilemma won’t get resolved this week. In fact, it will bother you until at least July, when you’ll discover how excellent gin is for quelling this sort of ambivalence. Mix it up (a lot of it) with some Forbidden Fruit liqueur and you won’t care about relationships at all.

You need a martini, Virgo, or you won’t be able to stop worrying about a certain purchase you made recently. That thing you bought doesn’t really work properly, but you’re too embarrassed to return it to the store. Hell, it was embarrassing enough buying it in the first place. Nor do you know anyone who’d want such an item, or admit to wanting it, or admit to wanting it and still want it after you’ve used it. Nah, you’ll have to attempt a return to the store. Get drunk first and stagger over there (on foot of course).

Libra, be careful about contracts this week; someone wants to take advantage of you financially. If you must sign something, read the small print carefully (while not pie-eyed on Sambuca and Bailey’s, okay?) and sign only when you’re sure you understand everything. Get lots of sleep before any meetings. Yeah, I know, it doesn’t sound like you’ll be pounding too many of those shooters this week. (Sigh.)

You have no interesting in maintaining relationships of no benefit to you, Scorpio. This is a position of strength—take no crap from anyone! You are a nice person who deserves the best. Right now you can’t decide whether you hate people or love them. Do you want to hole up by yourself or dance naked on a table? This is the sort of decision best left up to tequila.

Sagittarius, you’ll experience some hallucinations this week, both auditory and visual. Try to get some friends to corroborate what you’re experiencing. If you’re seeing weird shit, it might be because the weird shit is really there. Nevertheless, try to keep your head somewhat clear—nothing stronger than Guinness for you. Oh yeah, and don’t let anybody drive you anywhere. When you’re hallucinating, the bus is much more fun.

Somebody has a crush on you, Capricorn, a crush that will be revealed most awkwardly and inopportunely. You’ll be surprised this person feels so strongly about you; you’ve never really liked him/her and now the raw truth is before you (and probably all your colleagues and your spouse too). The best bromide for an awkward moment is gin—six ounces or so.

Aquarius, you’re on a roll socially, so you can get away with being drunk for the whole week. You feel lucky to be you and to have so many good friends and such relative wealth. Every single day someone will hit on you. You are indeed the envy of the zodiac. Take your joy to the next level with lashings of Everclear and Captain Morgan.

Pisces, while cleaning out your closets you’ll find an old photograph of someone you once cared deeply for. You’ll end up sitting among the cobwebs sobbing for your lost relationship, not to mention your lost youth. OMG, Pisces, does every week have to be pathetic? Come on, you need a happy drink:

  • 3 oz white rum
  • 1/2 oz creme de bananes
  • A whole bunch of difference juices (totally optional, especially given your state of mind)

ASTROLIQUOR for March 22 to 28, already in progress—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Your booze horoscope is going all to hell, the way I can’t manage to round up a typist, week after week. And here you are, making all sorts of decisions without astrological guidance, which makes me feel like an absolute bastard. Even if you are getting along fine without it (are you? omg, don’t tell me, it got me out of bed today)…here it is:

Aries, do not listen to any Journey songs this week, especially the ballads. They’ll get you down and make you feel lonely, plus the neighbors won’t appreciate the sound of you moaning out the window like a sick Steve Perry. They’ll suspect you’re constipated and peer inside, only to get an eyeful of you lurching around in filthy underwear sporting stains of Kahlua, Bailey’s, Cointreau, and who knows what.

Taurus, you’ll get a letter from the bank this week increasing your credit limit—and you didn’t even have to ask! How lucky is that? Now you can take an online course (what about currency trading?), expand your tequila collection, or visit some betting sites and leverage that illusory new windfall. But don’t compromise your principles! Don’t sell out to anyone! Every shooter you drink this week should have a gummy worm in it.

Gemini, when you receive unexpected praise from someone, you find yourself liking that person a whole lot more than is warranted and, more importantly, letting down your guard. Beware! Find a Scorpio you trust and go for a long walk. Explain everything and then wait for your Scorpio friend to serve you up some harsh truth about those insincere compliments and the douchebag who delivered them so blithely. The truth will hurt, and you’ll want vodka. Mix it with amaretto and Kahlua so you look like a connoisseur, not an alcoholic.

Cancer, you might experience a psychotic break this week. In retrospect you’ll realize it was all your fault (well, you and bourbon). In the aftermath your mind will go off on all sorts of tangents. One particular obsession will be the future (1000+ years); you foresee being able to manipulate lottery numbers and make yourself rich, but only if you can cryogenically freeze your head, which sounds like a chicken-and-egg problem. Spend your money on gin instead.

Leo, all kinds of things happen when you combine Jagermeister with Mountain Dew, but earning more money is not one of them. Take steps to create an income source. The lottery might win you a few bucks, but it won’t supply a comprehensive answer. Nope—you might have to actually work. Start networking; even if it doesn’t make the cash pour in, you’ll meet someone, and by August you’ll have seen their underwear.

As a Virgo you’re good at playing your cards close to your chest. Most of your most weirdo secrets will stay with you until you die, but don’t let secrecy get in the way of relationships. You’ll meet a “friend for life” this week (Leo or Taurus), so try and open up a bit. This will help:

  • 3 oz rum
  • 1 oz sloe gin
  • 1 oz Southern Comfort
  • 1 oz peach schnapps
  • Orange juice to taste (I’m having “none”)

Libra, give your brain a rest this week; it’s getting confused. Try not to multi-task—let’s face it, your resumé may say you can do it but you can’t pee and wipe your nose at the same time without an accident. Plan a holiday (carefully! make a list) or at least stock up on limoncello and vodka and have a mental holiday. Ahhhh!

Mars is exerting some apeshit influence on your chart, Scorpio. Try not to throw a punch at relatives or colleagues this week, and be nice to that friend who needs your advice. It concerns embarrassing personal stuff (the stars say money problems, or maybe something to do with genitals), and if you react kindly, you’ll bank some good karma. In other news, you have an undeterrable stalker (it’s a Cancer—don’t give this person any vodka).

Sagittarius, electronics will give you grief this week. Read the manual(s) before beating the shit out of your computer or toaster oven. Your dishwasher will fail several times to get a dried noodle off one of your pots. The stars have no solution for this, although they recommend Gordon’s gin (for you, not the Jet Dry compartment). Tuesday and Thursday are good for love and nudity.

Somebody’s gotta do it, Capricorn, and this week you are the designated driver. You’ll spend many evenings watching drunken friends get extraordinary amusement out of stupid board games, stupid movies, and yes—barfing in your car. If this sounds thankless, the stars apologize. You don’t have to listen to them; they are just balls of gas. They have no idea what Stoli vomit does to upholstery.

Aquarius, someone who’s gone unnoticed until recently becomes a hot-and-heavy love interest. Be careful! This person is a freak. Don’t mistake eroticism for ice-cold insanity; the stars are worried you could end up getting shivved with a broken bottle. Ease up on the vodka and keep your wits about you.

Pisces, you’re out of work again and you feel sorry for yourself. But your friends are jealous…spring is here and you’re free. Wake up whatever-the-hell-o’clock appeals to you, get the coffee going, and spike it up with Bacardi 151 and Kahlua. Have a few mugs and then phone your old boss.