LBHQ: The year in pictures

OMG, my fellow inebriates, I almost slept through my anniversary. Only by accident did I even realize this daily dose of randomness is a year old. Holy crap, how did that happen?

One year ago I had no idea what this thing was going to be about. Well, sure, I knew it would be about liquor, but I didn’t even have any idea what to say. Uh, liquor is good? The picture above was my banner, then this one…

Up until the blog, scenes like this defined my life:

But as the humans around me realized I was actually going to do this blog thing for real, scenes like the one below became more the norm. This day in November is still one of the most awesome I’ve ever had. My parents’ friend Pixie gave me a bottle of Crystal Head vodka—the best breakfast ever.

I loved that bottle, even though the vodka was kind of crappy.

But vodka wasn’t the only inspirational liquid to flow into LBHQ. When I learned our liquor store was no longer carrying one of my favorite products, Broker’s Gin, I hastened to contact Broker’s and ended up making one of the best friends I’ve ever had. I know Broker’s Gin Business Development Manager Julia Gale would do anything for me, as I would for her.

While I couldn’t have my beloved gin (and still haven’t got it, although I’ve cheated on Julia with at least half a dozen other brands this year), I did have art. In January artist Dan Lacey kindly sent me a print:

Blogging ideas often came unbidden…

But it wasn’t as challenging as you might think to connect subjects to alcohol.

Still, I had other obligations at home…

I lived in terror. When I wasn’t involved in “play,” I was listening to Scarybear’s prophecies about the end of the world. And then there was Fluffy…

Harboring the ghost of my dead Granny, Fluffy had arrived recently from Ireland. Our home would never be at peace again…bumps in the night, freaky cold spots, big wads of paper jamming up the toilet. Was there nothing Fluffy wouldn’t do to terrify us?

I needed distractions.

Some distractions were good, others not so good…

I tried to account for myself.

I had projects to do. Talking a bunch of gummy bears into (accidentally) a suicide mission was just one of them. (I didn’t know they’d melt in the Bacardi Big Apple.)

Depressed, I went to my friend Blackie for help.

I don’t think he’s a real psychiatrist. He’s not supposed to laugh, is he?

Another project that did not go well. So I just tried to figure stuff out.

I learned all about colonoscopies.

But I couldn’t figure this out.

We moved headquarters in August and my parents liquidated our already meager stock.

I don’t think my mother ever cleans the sink; it tasted horrible.

I went on a deep search for wisdom. I was lost, people. Living with functioning human beings who didn’t descend nightly into a drunken binge wasn’t working for me. I needed a message—some sort of message that everything was going to be okay…

I think it’s going to be okay.

Thanks for reading, my fellow inebriates! You’ve made me so happy this past year. Let me know what you’re drinking tonight 🙂

And something DID happen next…

Yesterday was so awesome, I didn’t think anything could top it.

And then…

OMG!!!! OMG!!!!! Freshly Pressed, MFI (that’s “My Fellow Inebriates” for my new friends)! OMG!!!!

You guys have no idea what you’ve signed on for. Wait till you get your horoscope tomorrow. 🙂

 

Monetize that!

I need more liquor, my fellow inebriates, and I’m hoping my parents will buy it if I justify my existence with numbers.

By numbers I mean income and/or booze freebies. When I told them back in October that by summer we’d be awash in hooch and naming our price for coveted advertising spots, they didn’t even bother snickering. Their question was: “If we give you a blog, will you stop bothering everybody?”

So they did give me a blog, and I didn’t stop being a nuisance. Every day I recruit them for their opposable thumbs, in exchange for which they disparage my ideas. My dad gets mad at the photos I post of our messy house, and my mum ditches me the minute paid freelance work comes in.

OMG! Maybe we should monetize.

I wish I could post from the future telling you about our fabulous success at monetizing, the influx of booze samples with which we can barely keep up, and the bling weighing down my floppy little bear physique. Sadly, our present-day reality is very dry. Can’t it even be done? Do blogs really make money?

According to Income Diary, Problogger makes $40,000 a month, which is a lot of freaking gin. Darren Rowse started the blog in 2004, diving right into topics such as product branding, SEO, and pay-per-click advertising.

I worry, when I visit Problogger, that Rowse is doing a lot more work than I’d like to do. His site has a lot of focus, and it contains useful information. Moreover, I suspect he’s written his posts while sober.

All of which is highly intimidating.

In addition to Rowse, who I’m sure is earning good money, there are dozens of other bloggers blogging about blogging who claim to be making money but might just be getting a bit of pocket money—and to get it they probably started by saying they were earning money, and kept on the fake-it-till-you-make-it path until a trickle started, even while they were bursting forth with monetizing wisdom. What do you humans think?

I don’t know what to think. My brain cells can’t handle it—either one of them.

Who has time to study when there are images like this for the brain to process?

Now you might say, quite rightly, that I should just read these informative blogs that often outline in careful detail how to build successful income streams from blogging.

But these sites lack a certain sordidness that would otherwise draw me in. They don’t have features about cannibalism, zombies, or eating roadkill. They just have relevant information, the devoted study of which wouldn’t leave me any time to play Wrestler Unstoppable or look at the People of Walmart.

So I’m throwing down a challenge to all those bloggers in my inbox telling me they’re getting rich. I DON’T BELIEVE YOU MAKE MONEY! I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW IT’S DONE! IF YOU TRULY MAKE SOME DECENT COIN, PROVE IT BY HELPING ME—AN IDIOT BEAR—MAKE MONEY.

IF YOU CAN MAKE A DRUNKEN BEAR RICH, I’LL BELIEVE YOU!!!

Yes, friends, this is a throwdown. Send me your links to anyone you know out there GETTING RICH BLOGGING, MAKING MONEY WHILE THEY SLEEP, or ENJOYING FINANCIAL FREEDOM. I will CHALLENGE them personally to help me GROW MY BUSINESS so that I too can bask in COMFORT AND SECURITY and finally, finally have a decent bar.

And for anyone out there BLOGGING FOR PROFIT, a brief survey:

    • Are you making money blogging?
    • Is money more important than fame?
    • Is money more important than altruism?
    • Do you prefer gin or vodka in your martini?

And for you, GIANT INTERNET MONEYMAKERS who take the challenge!…

    • I will share your links with my small and often justifiably perplexed following.
    • I will recommend excellent cocktails.
    • I will accompany these recommendations with random, specious and occasionally offensive factoids enhanced by the most amateur, slapdash photography ever produced.

You will learn:

For any blogger who’s wondered, “Is there more to this?” now’s the chance to engage with BLOG GENIUSES who EARN WHILE THEY SLEEP. Let’s start bothering them. If they can make themselves rich, they can make US rich! And if they DON’T WANT TO DO THAT, then maybe they’re not getting rich at all. Let’s challenge those successful bloggers to this THROWDOWN. It’s a CAGE MATCH, people!

BLOGGERS WHO EARN

vs

BLOGGERS WHO ARE REALLY GOOD AT HITTING CONTROL/ALT/TAB WHEN THEIR BOSS FINDS THEM BLOGGING AT WORK

Share this RIGHT NOW by clicking Stumble, Twitter, or any of those little buttons (I don’t know what the hell most of them are). We’ll launch this plea into the blogosphere—the PLEA FOR SUCCESSFUL BLOGGERS TO HELP US ALL GET RICH!!

Now, you may be worried—will this make you a target for SPAM and things you don’t want? NO! You won’t get SPAM. But you won’t get anything helpful either. You won’t learn the following, for instance:

    • How to optimize your web site
    • How to urge your visitors into the conversion funnel
    • How to set up multiple streams of income using your blog as a magnet for business
    • How to make money while you snooze!

Hitting the share buttons won’t teach you any of these things BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THEM, PEOPLE. That’s why I need BLOG MASTERS to help! And chances are you do too. So let’s share this message. Click it, share it, send it like a sacrilegious little prayer into the blogosphere and get our traffic up. Because if we can get savvy, Internet GURUS to help us, we can ALL roll around naked in money, festoon ourselves with chainlink gold, or pour vodka all over ourselves—or whatever the hell else we want to do.

So why would these Internet SAGES want to help us? I DON’T KNOW! I HAVEN’T THOUGHT THAT FAR! If you can think of a reason, let me know, and leave a comment about WHY you blog.