beer

Happy Father’s Day, Dad, thank goodness you’re in one piece for it

My Fellow Inebriates,

If I could give my dad a bunch of gifts for Father’s Day instead of one, I would. I’d give him the following:

  • Beer
  • Some extra brain cells (unfortunately I don’t exactly have a superfluity, too bad for Dad)
  • A power-tool instruction book wrapped up in gauze and surgical tape

You see, yesterday Dad had a classic DIY lapse. He wasn’t drunk, nor had he even been drinking. He knew exactly what he should do and how to do it. In fact, just a month before he’d authored a manual on correct installation procedures. But yesterday Dad got lazy and decided to drill something while holding it in his hand.

power-toolsWhat the thing was doesn’t matter. He was screwing around with the car stereo, jury-rigging some kind of metal plate so he could somehow stuff more stereo into a car that, aside from what he deems its sub-par sound system, gives him a total boner. The project has been a stereophilic odyssey, draining the car battery several times over and claiming not a few of dad’s ear cilia. But Dad has a long daily commute, and only a good stereo can make it tolerable—hence the project.

He was so happy when he came home from Home Depot with two bucks worth of parts that would be the fix. Overeager, we should say, because drilling a part while it’s in your hand is like ironing the shirt you’re wearing.

Typical for Dad, he entered the house in ultra-low-key fashion, holding a cloth around his hand. “Can you help me for a sec?” he called to Mum, who bitched because her rice was going to boil over. It looked like a little cut, and Dad was so casual that I could see Mum was going to ask him if he wanted a Pinkie Pie or Rainbow Dash Band-Aid. But Dad had drilled his hand in three places—two minor and one deeper—THANKFULLY just shy of needing stitches, and even more thankfully well short of needing thumb reattachment.

The Corrections

Well. The rice boiled over and we forgot about it. (A good thing—you wouldn’t want to see what Mum does with rice.) I made myself scarce, being the most absorbent thing in the room. Mum felt like an idiot for having so little First Aid equipment in the house, and Dad…Dad just felt like an idiot. To his credit, he didn’t even flinch when Mum poured the iodine.

Cheers, Dad, for injuring yourself only moderately. I didn’t want to laugh at you, but not too long ago I read Jonathan Franzen’s hilarious The Corrections, in which borderline alcoholic Gary downs five martinis and then decides to trim the hedge. I know you have a pretty high IQ, Dad, and you’re not an alcoholic like Gary, and even though you wouldn’t let me photograph your wounds for this blog, I still love you.

GRANVILLE ISLAND BREWERY doesn’t quite wow my dad, who then deprives his favorite little bear of an interesting brew

My Fellow Inebriates,

I almost forgot to mention, my dad drank something without me. He was at some work thing and somehow got his mitts on an interesting offering from Granville Island Brewery. I was very miffed at him for failing to bring some home; it seemed Very Selfish Indeed. So I made an effort to forget about that beer, until this video reminded me of it.

 

And now my dad’s response when I asked him if he enjoyed GRANVILLE ISLAND BREWERY GINJA NINJA GINGER BEER:

Yes and no. Although the beer overall was a bland Granville Island brew, it was very well executed. The ginger was very subtle—none on the front palate, all on the back end. Just enough that you realize it as it’s going down. For someone who really liked ginger, they might keep pouring it down to chase that aftertaste.

ginja ninja beer

In other words, my dad recommends GINJA NINJA for drunks. Again I find myself asking why the hell he didn’t bring some home.

ASTROLIQUOR for May 31 to June 6, already in progress!

Once again, MFI, your Booze Horoscope has gone sideways. My typist was apparently out on a nature walk. Nature be damned! I said, my fellow inebriates have no celestial guidance on what to drink. Here it is in short strokes.

Aries:

The stars want you to find something exotic…an Italian herbal liqueur called Strega. Got it? Mix 1 oz with 2 oz each of vodka and orange juice (for the vitamins) plus 1/2 oz banana liqueur. Shake with ice and repeat throughout the day, every day this week.

Taurus:

Typically apple cider is kind of cloying—at least the mainstream brands. Throw in an ounce of DeKuyper Sour Apple Pucker and tart it up.

Gemini:

Two parts Malibu, 1 part Blue Curacao, 6 parts OJ. Let the Curacao sink to the bottom, just like your ambitions for the week.

Cancer:

You need some moonshine—preferably some smuggled home in a suitcase from Ireland. We’re talking Poteen, and it should have a vague petroleum smell. Mix with equal parts Irish whisky and Bailey’s Irish Cream, then chase it with a Guinness. Say hi to the Leprechauns when they show up.

Leo:

It’s time to blow your budget on silly-flavored vodka…how about vanilla? Mix it up with creme de bananes and some random juices (cranberry? orange? who cares?).

Virgo:

We’re talking vodka (3 parts) and black sambuca (1 part). Incorporate this nasty mixture into every hour of your life this week. Pretty soon your poo will be an inky black color (and not solid).

Libra:

It calls itself a martini but it’s more of a fauxtini: Grey Goose plus Chambord, equal parts. Ahhh!

Scorpio:

Your life just isn’t weird enough, so try this out: 6 oz dark rum, 3 oz Kahlua, 3 oz cream, 4 oz milk. Then (get this) add a twist of lemon and one clove. Nuke it, but don’t nuke the shit out of it.

Sagittarius:

This is called a Dead Budgie: a bunch of coconut rum and banana liqueur with juice and grenadine (for the blood? OMG).

Capricorn:

Triple sec and raspberry schnapps are pretty good together, but even better with some sweet-and-sour mix and OJ. Equal parts of everything. Do, say…10 shots.

Aquarius:

The stars have bananas on the brain this week, and your drink like dessert. Blend a banana with 1/2 cup vanilla ice cream, 2 oz Godiva (OMG, yes!) and 1/2 oz dark rum. All day long.

Pisces:

Ice-cold gin in a 2:3 ratio with orange juice…ahhhh!! If the math is too hard, keep adding parts of each until you don’t care.