Bailey’s

On being purchased

No time for blogging all day, peeps. Sure, I had time; I spent most of the day staring at the wall, but no one had time to do my typing for me.

It was kind of understandable because the big kid was turning 6 and the putative adults were running around like maniacs making a cake and assembling loot bags that they would ultimately forget to distribute at the end of a screaming-loud party at a kids’ play area redolent of sweat socks and parental desperation.

I have no idea what my parents were like before they had their two monkeys. They bought me at the liquor store a few days before the first one was born. There they were, doing their Christmas alcohol shopping, Dad anticipating some good holiday drinking, Mum pregnant and settling for vicarious liquor selection…and I winked at them. I was hanging out on one of the shelves with the other bears (buy two—you keep one, the other goes to charity), and I noticed they were really loading up their cart with a lot of hooch. They had nine or ten wine bottles of wine, some Bailey’s and a really fine scotch; and poor old dead Granny had just hoisted a big magnum of sparkling wine into the cart.

I was excited because they seemed like proper alcoholics and fully my type of people. I didn’t realize they were stocking up for holiday visitors, because their full house would be celebrating not only Yuletide but the arrival of their first baby.

Blinded by the alcohol, I winked at them. I don’t know if they perceived it—they’re pretty oblivious at the best of times, my parents—but they stopped and looked at me. They reach out to me, gave me a pat. Next thing I knew, I was scanned, bought, bagged, and riding home with them.

I don’t know if they would have bought a bear if they hadn’t been expecting a baby. They probably would have gone for the two-bear charity deal, donated both, and gone home with just their booze.

So, in a way, their 6-year-old is the reason I live where I live, the reason I have adoptive parents, and the reason my fur is so matted it looks like aliens tried to make crop circles on it. I’ve worn countless dresses, been mummified all day in a tensor bandage, been slathered with rash cream and diapered, barely escaped barf and failed to escape snot, and dragged, thrown and trodden on.

And seriously, that shit is not okay. Fine, yes, they love me, and yes, it’s mutual, but I swear, if this continues, they’re going to literally tear me a new one, and when my mum sews me up with the purple thread the kids inevitably select, I will need a lot of alcohol.

Just saying.

My DIY Irish Cream Plan

My Fellow Inebriates,

I’ve still got time before the holidays to make my very own Irish cream liqueur, but I don’t have a clue whether it will work. Here’s the recipe we have stuck to the fridge:

Irish cream

Ingredients:

  •  100g milk chocolate – got it; must act quickly so my mum doesn’t eat it.
  • 395g can sweetened condensed milk – got it.
  • 375ml can evaporated milk – huh? I guess we have to get some.
  • 150ml pouring cream – what the hell is pouring cream? If anybody knows, please shoot me a comment…
  • 1 tablespoon strong plunger coffee (brew just before you need it to keep it fresh) – uh, okay.
  • 375ml (half bottle) of whiskey – and here lies the emergency, as we have not got this precious ingredient.

Photo: Tina Phillips

Directions:

  • Place chocolate in a double-boiler over near-boiling water until melted. OMG, what is a double-boiler?
  • Remove chocolate from heat and, working quickly, whisk in the condensed milk (whisk fast to ensure mixture does not separate).
  • Add to a large bowl, add in the evaporated milk, and whisk until smooth.
  • Whisk in the coffee, cream and whiskey.
  • Pour into sterilized bottles. That part sounds like too much work.
  •  Store for up to 6 weeks. That part sounds impossible.

Okay, so we need some stuff, and then—panic, panic—we need to use the stove. My friend Blackie Bear always cautions to never get mistaken for the oven mitt.  You can douse me in Irish cream and no worries, as I’m a Bailey’s-colored animal already, but I’m deathly afraid of getting burned to death. So there’s no way I’m sterilizing any bottles, people; that’s just dancing with danger. Bears have all kinds of enzymes to combat food poisoning, so it’s no problemo. Just look at my friend Scarybear, who eats garbage all the time and never gets sick. He looks like ass but he’s plenty healthy.