LAS MORAS TANNAT (2008)—Like

My Fellow Inebriates,

I spent all morning twitching with the urge to steal an idea from The Dissemination of Thought. Coupled with a Tannat-related headache and dehydration, this compulsion troubled me. I feel bad when I swipe things, and worse for not thinking of them first. But let’s face it—no one’s expecting nobility from an alcoholic animal. And really, it’s TDoT’s fault, isn’t it? If he hadn’t disseminated such a topical thought, I wouldn’t have felt like purloining it.

If you haven’t clicked the links yet, here’s the gist: There are types of Facebook users ranging from the Whinger to the Liker and everything in between—and those types are annoying.

I probably could have generated my own idea for the blog today had I not drunk so much LAS MORAS TANNAT (2008) last night. But I woke up with a rough headache this morning, which probably relates less to the wine than to the quantity consumed.

I’d never tried the Tannat varietal before—at least not knowingly, as it is typically a blending grape. Increasingly it’s being planted in Argentina, Australia and the US, though, so you’ll probably start seeing more Tannats on the booze-store shelves over the next few years. At 14% the Argentine LAS MORAS certainly caused bedspins and kept me from checking in with Facebook’s Wrestler Unstoppable, which meant my avatar “LB the Alcoholic Bear” got his ass kicked while I slept the wine off.

Our local booze-store consultant steered my dad toward this $14.99 product. She (and the bottle label) suggested decanting it an hour before drinking it, instructions my dad texted to my mum from the kids’ bedroom where he was patiently waiting for them to nod off, not knowing she would ignore her phone. So when he came downstairs the bottle was still sealed, and we commenced drinking it without letting it breathe. The wine did get a chance to open up over the next 90 minutes, but truthfully it didn’t change much in that timespan.

For full-bodied red wine fans, LAS MORAS won’t disappoint. Intensely dark with an admirable fruit/oak balance, it strikes a satisfying tannic chord with soft fruits up front and chocolate/bread in behind. If you love this note, you’ll be very happy, but if you prefer a wine that develops more dynamically in the glass and on the tongue, you’ll find yourself curiously underwhelmed by its lack of range.

Perhaps this explains why Tannat grapes are so often supporting players in cabs and malbecs rather than carrying the whole show. LAS MORAS lacks complexity; the sip doesn’t differ much from the swallow, yet it strums a fully satisfactory note. It would be a great wine for events where the focus is on socializing or a meal because it holds no surprises and it doesn’t assert itself in an intriguing way.

Much like most of the status updates on Facebook. My wrestler is just about the only reason I use Facebook. I update my status every few weeks or so, and of course I make a nuisance of myself with blog updates, but otherwise I barely pay attention to it.

When my parents first opened a Facebook account for me, they thought it was a pretty novel idea. Haha, look at that, a bear! Can you imagine? Bet nobody’s done that before!

We quickly learned that plenty of people had done it before. Within a day I had dozens of friend requests from stuffies of every animal species. I couldn’t keep up, and actually stopped accepting them. So much for being original.

Here’s my current FB friend breakdown (roughly):

  • 305 bears including pandas and koalas despite their differing chromosomal count
  • 166 other animals
  • 149 people
  • 24 friends/relatives of my parents
  • 45 deviants, including furries and inanimate objects (“Corporal James Shittington,” “Bill’s Toaster,” “Head of Bathroom Security,” etc.)

There’s considerable cross-pollination between categories—i.e. “Daemonic Bear” and “Archie Candypants” fall arbitrarily into the bear category, but they could just as easily be deviants.

You’d think the status updates would be pretty overwhelming, but it’s surprisingly quiet on my FB wall. That’s because most of the stuffie accounts are inactive; their humans opened the accounts many years ago for a giggle and never pursued it any further.

Which means most of the status updates I read are from Whingers, Likers, Lovers (thank you, DToS) and a few more additional ones that plague me in particular:

The Stuffie Lover. “Bunny wunny wuvz you, snuggwy wuggwy!” These animals have too much time on their paws. Like DToS’s Lovers, they favor the third-person. I wish they’d finally wear out the “W” key with their saccharine updates.

Posted to shock. Watch me shrug.

The Shock-Value Addict. “I’ve got a freshly scrubbed, clean-as-a-whistle anus.” Uh-huh.

Danglers. “Going for medical tests today…” Um, so do you want people to ask? Are you going to live?

Show-offs. “Four-course meal devoured and cleaned up, washing done, homework finished, kids in bed—ahhhh!” Congratulations. I guess I won’t call Child Services.

Threateners. “Time for a purge. If we haven’t talked lately, I’m unfriending you. Contact me if you want to stay.” OMG! How ignominious to be unfriended by you. Uh, who are you again?

Food Photographers. “Brining the turkey.” “Dogs on the barbie—mmmm!” I have no idea what some of these people look like, but for some reason I’ve seen their cookies.

Wingnuts who assume everyone shares their agenda. “Bleetched the sheat and dug out my pointty hat, y’all—who’s comming with?” Oh dear, when did I accept that friend request? I must have been on a red wine bender. Guess it’s time for a purge.

If you haven’t already checked out The Dissemination of Thought, what are you waiting for? Open a bottle of LAS MORAS TANNAT and sip contentedly. This wine won’t try to get your attention—it won’t distract you from this interesting and original blog.

UFO? Or schnapps? Only your anus knows for sure

My Fellow Inebriates,

My friend Violet Purplebunny told me one of her friends posted a Facebook status update about UFOs over Taos, New Mexico. This got me wondering why we don’t hear very often about aliens visiting southwest British Columbia.

Or do we?

It’s overcast here most days, with measurable precipitation a fur-wetting 50% of the time and what seems like perpetual cloud cover. This makes many Lower Mainlanders depressed and pessimistic, but not my dad—he bought a telescope. And not some dinky little spyglass thing—a big R2D2-like thing with GPS and the works. So now we don’t just get to see clouds—we get to see them very close-up.

Still, there are some clear nights when reports come streaming in to whoever will record them that UFOs are here.

28-Dec-2011, Abbotsford, BC

I was driving on the highway with my sister when I saw to my right a bright, white round light with kinda a less bright light around it and it just shot into the sky unlike anything Ive seen before! It travelled a great distant in a second and It just disappeared!!!!! I asked my sister if she saw it but she didn’t. Im never going to forget it.

Blackie in a sober moment

This totally freaks me out. The last time I saw a round light like this I was partying in the woods with my buddy Blackie Bear. We had a whole bunch of Kriek and a weird blue bottle of mescale. When we mixed them it tasted pretty foul, so we added orange juice. Shortly after I saw a peculiar round light; it whipped around and vanished. Unlike the sister in the report above, Blackie also saw the light. AND something even stranger happened to him—he lost his apostrophes. I don’t know how, but suddenly he was saying things like “Ive” and “Im” and, OMG, I could hear that they didn’t contain any apostrophes. And when I asked him about my speech, he said my apostrophes were gone too—he couldn’t hear them at all. Holy crap!

I don’t want to sound mean, but I hope the guy who made this report wasn’t the one doing the driving—I hope it was his sister and that, in addition to not seeing the strange light, she retained the ability to form grammatical contractions as she drove the two of them safely past the Abbotsford airport.

21-Dec-2011, Coquitlam, BC

…my adult daughter was having a cigarette when she looked up at the sky and saw 2 pulsating red lights. The lights moved strangely…became 5 lights…faded away until there were only 2 lights left…continued to dart around until they merged into one and disappeared.

When Blackie drinks absinthe he looks more like this.

I’ve never started smoking because I’m terrified of catching fire and because my mum would throw me in the washing machine every day. But I’ve certainly seen stuff like this. One day Blackie and I decided to mix absinthe with Jack Daniel’s. The key is to pour the absinthe first, then let the JD settle on top. Blackie had never tried absinthe before, but it appealed to him because he has some writing aspirations and associated it with Hemingway. You have to knock this mixture back with lightning speed or it will come back up and stain your fur. After a few of these, Blackie lost his apostrophes and stomach control. I saw spots for quite a while, and they did dart around in strange configurations.

22-Dec-2011, Kamloops, BC

“noticed a bright orb-like object in the sky with strobing colors…. Blue, red, white…. It moved very slowly, possibly at the same rate as the earth was turning. I took a couple of video but all I had was my Android phone so the quality is very poor and I chose to watch it with my eyes mostly.”

The video link doesn’t work, which makes me wonder if the Android people used their muscle to have it removed from the web. It’s pretty damning for them if people claim their phones can’t capture UFO images properly, right? I like this witness’s resourceful choice to use the eyes (mostly) to watch the phenomenon. We do this from our balcony all the time because we can’t be bothered to set up the R2D2-like telescope. Those geosynchronous UFOs are especially tricky because they seem pretty boring until you finish a punchbowl full of Stoli and Malibu. Then they get much more lively and they even start strobing.

"Drop your pants"

17-Dec-2011, North Delta, BC

I have been seeing greenish dots (objects) high in the sky…a single object was surrounded like a cluster by approximately 5-10 identical green objects. It looked as though the centre one either controlled the outside ones or it was being contained by them….

These objects appear to be 3-5 times higher than the moon. I’m talking outer space where satellites are.

I would give my ass fur to be able to make a visual calculation of an object’s distance from earth—but 3-5 times lunar distance isn’t quite where the satellites are, buddy. The very highest satellites fly at an altitude of 22,000 miles—a tenth the way to the moon at perigee (closest approach). If those choreographed lights were that far away, well, they must have been some big-ass lights.

Did you get probed while you were unconscious? Only your anus knows for sure.

I asked Violet Purplebunny what she thought about all this, and she said it sounded like a case of “too much DeKuyper Hot Damn.” I say she’s partially right—a big dose of cinnamon schnapps could certainly induce a mental light-show. But she’s partially wrong—there’s no such thing as too much.

GLENFARCLAS 17—Come back, Christine!!!!

My Fellow Inebriates,

OMG! Help! Holy shit, humans!

I’ve been hiding out today because the six-year-old barfed in school and came home early. Needless to say, I do not wish to be the preferred stuffie right now. The washing machine scares the freaking crap out of me, and a projectile offering from Miss P would guarantee me a ride in it.

This means I have limited time to tell you about the last item from our weekend scotch-tasting threesome before the invalid gets off the couch and comes looking for cuddles.

Big thanks once again to my friend Christine for visiting with a canvas bag containing this and two other fine whiskies. When you taste two stellar whiskies—the first mind-blowing and the second only fractionally less astonishing—you almost stop breathing wondering what the third will be like.

TALISKER 18 and CAOL ILA 12 are renowned for their peatiness, making GLENFARCLAS 17 the potential oddball of the tasting triad. A Speyside single malt, GLENFARCLAS (“valley of the green grass”) is distilled using spring water from snow melt alongside the River Spey in Ballindalloch, Scotland, rather than the heavily peated water that contributes the characteristic peat-smoke flavoring to the other two I sampled.

Islay whiskey fans sometimes disparage Speyside whiskey (and vice versa) precisely because of the relative lack (or presence) of peat. Even whiskey drinkers who enjoy both regions still tend to favor one of the two styles.

Predictably I like both and suffer equal spasms over the absence from our liquor cabinet of either product. But regardless of that even-mindedness, I’d just enjoyed two peaty drams before the GLENFARCLAS 17 was poured. How would this third whiskey compare?

In the glass, GLENFARCLAS 17 shines a rich coppery amber, with detectable oiliness around the edges. On the nose: a surge of sherry, abundant but contained, and apple-butter with vanilla-butterscotch behind—a perfectly modulated chorus with an oak backbone and distant peat.

The sip is weighty and full, developing with a sensuous pace, the sherry-malt tones mellowing across the tongue into bakery-spice notes and lingering smoke. This whiskey dries noticeably on the tongue, masterfully balanced and complex, with an almost endless finish.

Not with scotch, people.

Some whiskey aficionados, especially Islay fans, might accuse Speyside whiskies of being comparatively simple—but only after burning off their tastebuds with Wonka SweeTarts in the company of an ailing six-year-old.

Adding water might enable the drinker to pick out its individual flavors with heightened precision, but dilution seems an unimaginable crime, and I couldn’t bring myself to try it. Of the three whiskies savored that night, GLENFARCLAS 17 was my favorite, and when Christine left the house with it, I pressed my nose against the window, vibrating with horror and sorrow.

Come back, Christine. Please come back.