booze

DIY Irish Cream

My Fellow Inebriates,

This bear plays with fire.

As my friend Blackie often reminds me, it’s bad for us bears to get involved in cooking because we’re so easily mistaken for the oven mitt. Now, this might just be liquored-up paranoia, but it’s been enough to keep me away from the stove since we moved to our house. I don’t have anything to do with that thing. In fact, when it’s on I cower in the liquor cabinet.

But an urge is coming over me to make my own Irish cream liqueur, or at least order my mum to make some. She’s a real lush when it comes to high-cal liqueurs, so it shouldn’t be a hard sell. But what recipe do we use, people? There are HUNDREDS of them on the net, and I have no idea what to go with. Some of them use full cream, some half; some use raw eggs; some use coffee, some don’t…I have no idea how to pick the right recipe.

My second problem is lack of appropriate booze. We don’t have any whisky in the house, Irish or otherwise, so my question to you is: Is it okay to substitute Malibu? Will I still end up with something reasonably like an Irish cream? Or what if I use Bacardi Big Apple?

Ultimately it doesn’t matter because I’ll drink whatever results and then engage in all kinds of nighttime wildness. But I figure if I’m going to give some of my homemade hooch away to pals for the holidays, I should try and get it right.

What do you think? Do you have a favorite Irish cream recipe?

BROKER’S GIN

My Fellow Inebriates,

I need to score some BROKER’S GIN. I just realized my local liquor store no longer carries it—OMG!! I took it for granted; I thought it would always be there. Even when I wasn’t thinking about it, somewhere inside I had the comforting notion that it would be there when I decided it was gin-and-tonic time.

Yes, I did rhapsodize the other day about BEEFEATER, an awesome gin and the definitive choice for juniper fans. I love BEEFEATER, my peeps, but there’s a time and a place for it. BEEFEATER is for lurching around with older relatives at weddings and wakes. It’s great for sipping in a martini while you listen to loud, loud music. It’s fantastic at an airport when it could be 7:00 a.m. or 2:00 p.m. for all you know because you lost your watch in the toilet. I totally love the stuff.

But I have to tell you about BROKER’S. Compared to BEEFEATER, it is a cheeky upstart—but an upstart with a mission to create an unapologetically old-fashioned gin bespeaking London and its heritage. Using quadruple distillation, the fourth pass going through a copper pot still, brothers Andy and Martin Dawson combined their solid business acumen, their creativity, and some funny hats in 1998, to create a memorably dry, full-bodied gin.

SO WHY THE HELL CAN’T I FIND IT IN MY LIQUOR STORE ANY MORE? Seriously, I want to ask Andy and Martin what’s going on…why BROKER’S was in my liquor store and isn’t any more. Are they okay? OMG, is BROKER’S okay? Are they still making it? Are they doing great but have cut Canada off? Do they think Canadians are hooligans? OMG!

BROKER’S has captured dozens of international awards for its fresh, dry and slightly floral gin. I know we swill a lot of Molson Canadian here in the Great White North, but there must be animals and humans besides yours truly with a bad-ass jones for this crystal-clear elixir.

Did I mention it was cheap compared to other premium gins? Given the labor-intensive production methods the brothers use to make the stuff, this didn’t even compute when I first bought it, but it didn’t matter, because I had my heavenly gin. Where, oh where, can I get a bottle of BROKER’S? Dear followers, please help me.

ASTROLIQUOR for Nov. 11-17

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You’re feeling happy this week, Aries, which means fruity fruit fruit:

  • 1.5 oz vodka
  • half a lime
  • 1/2 oz passion fruit syrup
  • 1/2 oz watermelon liqueur

Shake with ice and strain into a chilled glass. Again, I know this is kind of a silly drink for you, Aries, but when you’re happy you have the patience to plan and execute drinks like this.

It’s time to quit driving your car, Taurus, so you can properly enjoy your liquor cabinet. Be a free spirit and pour equal parts Pepsi and red wine into a decanter. This is one of those awesome beverages that others often decline, so you get it all to yourself. YEAH!!

Life is cuddly and harmonious right now, Gemini. Get out some nice apple cider (I RECOMMEND Strongbow) and mix it 3:1 with cherry liqueur. Share it with someone who makes your fur tingle.

This is a good week for Cancers to hit on the opposite sex. Pick a drink that differentiates you as a fun-loving party animal, then buy everyone a round. I’d go with shooters: equal parts Crown Royal and butterscotch schnapps.

Start thinking about moving out of your parents’ house, Leo, and stock up your own booze shelf. You need some good Russian vodka. With a bit of lime, soda water, and sugar, you’re all set.

The asteroid didn’t hit us last week, and everything’s all good. Virgo, you need to go out on a limb and get crazy this week. How long has it been since you had a party drink? This one’s called a Smurfette:

  • 3 oz Malibu
  • 3 oz Blue Curacao
  • 4 oz banana liqueur
  • Pineapple juice to taste (I usually have “none”)

Serve over ice. Yum!

All eyes are on you, this week, Libra, so get out your flask, fill it with gin, Blue Curacao, orange juice and cheap white wine, and take it to work. When people see your inexplicable nonchalance, you’ll probably get a promotion.

You’re not your usual emotional vampire self, Scorpio, because you’re in the groove and finding comfort in happy, joyful concoctions. Malibu is an integral part of any fun-time drink, so shake it up in equal parts with Captain Morgan spiced rum and mango rum. Then add pineapple juice…or not.

Sagittarius, you make it all look so easy. You’ll have a lot of adventures this week, none of them planned, and the culprit will be Captain Morgan. It’s just so easy to throw it into your ice tea with a squirt of lemon.

You’re conflicted this week, Capricorn…are you ready for take-off or grounded in reality? I find the right liquor usually prevents over-thinking things. Try adding peppermint schnapps to everything this week. If you can keep a steady buzz going without overshooting into unconsciousness, you should have interesting times.

Love and romance are favored this week, Aquarius, but you are still preoccupied with taking over the world. This is not the week for that! You need to get really loaded and have fun. Here’s a start:

  • 2 oz dark rum
  • 1 oz 100-proof vodka
  • 1.5 oz Blue Curacao (because you LOVE blue things)
  • 2 oz pineapple juice
  • Red Bull to taste
Doesn’t that sound fantastic? Drink up!

Pisces, you’ve been finding yourself in the gutter a bit too often lately. Maybe hard liquor isn’t your thing right now, especially since people keep kicking your ass. Stick to beer this week, and slow yourself down by adding strange things to it: Worcestershire sauce, lemon juice, soy sauce, Tabasco, pepper…you get the idea. Add ’em all if you like. It’ll make it hard to pound the beers as fast as you normally do.