alcohol

BROKER’S GIN—PART 3!

My Fellow Inebriates,

I’m delighted to tell you that things are back on with Julia Gale of BROKER’S GIN.

What things, you ask?

Well, for one thing we’re discussing how to get this elysian potion back into British Columbia, my home province. (You may have noticed some distance between us following Julia’s suggestion that I shop cross-border for BROKER’S GIN, a terrifying prospect for reasons I can’t fully elucidate. Perhaps I even mentioned a shift in my affections. Drunken madness!) Julia reassured me today that she is in my corner.

But first, the problem. It’s hard for a bear to drive to the United States. Even if I could (a) get sober to drive and (b) drive, the border guards present some very daunting obstacles:

  1. They insist on a passport with a smile-free photo so their facial-cognition software can work its mojo. Did I mention excess facial hair interferes with that? For me it’s always Movember.
  2. They like to fingerprint travelers. I don’t actually have fingers; my paws are more like little nubs.
  3. No searchable cavity here, peeps! Just a suspicious beanbag texture. What’s in there? they would surely want to know.

So the border’s a no-go. I was distraught to think Julia had left me with an unviable option, and may have said some dismissive things elsewhere on this site. But I was very wrong to do so. Julia told me today that BROKER’S GIN owner/director team Andy Dawson and Martin Dawson will be flying to BC in the New Year to fix things.

This is tremendous news, although I can’t fathom why they’d leave an asset like Julia at home. I am still basking in her warmth and concern for my liquor inventory; she is the most exceptional business development manager I’ve ever corresponded with. This is what I told her:

Very nice to hear Andy and Martin are visiting BC. Why are you not joining them? It sounds like a bit of a sausage fest, just the three of us boys getting drunk together and laughing at each other’s hats.

BROKER’S GIN seems almost within reach. Do I dare to hope?

Conversation with my buzzkill parents

My Fellow Inebriates,

The holidays are drawing closer and nobody’s stocking up our liquor cabinet. That, coupled with my anxiety over my ebay bid on a Dan Lacey painting, is making things a little tense. Finally I sent my parents a link to my liquor wish list, reckoning that if they would at least address that, we could relax and be festive.

But my parents are buzzkills.

 

I do kind of like the kids. They don’t actually play with me very much, although I get my moments in the spotlight for sure.

This really illustrates how much empathy they have. They seriously don’t care if we have booze for the holidays or not.

So casual!

And so heartless. Say it ain’t so, people. I don’t have a plan B.

Are there boy/girl drinks? And where do bears fit in?

My Fellow Inebriates,

I got some new tasting notes from my friend Michael:

With Michael's bear Gustav. Can you "own" a bear? Whose outfit is sillier?

right now i am tasting a white russian. it is creamy and girlish but slightly strong and very bearly. tooodles liquor store bear

One of the first things to go when you’re drinking any quantity of vodka is punctuation. Add some Kahlua and you can say bye-bye to your caps as well. Michael’s notes are my very favorite kind—when you are three sheets to the wind you can be totally honest.

The White Russian didn’t originate in Russia; but it contains vodka, hence the name. Add cream to a Black Russian and there you have it.

There are dozens of variations on this drink but the classic method is to pour vodka and Kahlua over ice cubes and then add half-and-half. It’s totally, totally, totally yummy.

Michael mentioned that the drink is “girlish,” which raises the question: Are there “girl” drinks and “boy” drinks?

Here at LBHQ we don’t go in for gender stereotypes so much as we do massive, unspecific overgeneralizations. To put it more honestly, I’m freaking scared that someone will hunt me down if I start spouting off about which spirits I like to wear a dress while drinking (and there are some). So instead here’s a sampling of personality traits and drinks to match.

White Russian, fave drink of "the Dude" Lebowski. Drinking makes us all better people.

BEER—You’re down to earth and easy to please. Sometimes you leave appliances in your yard.

COOLERS—You’re underage. Or maybe a sugar junkie.

BLENDER DRINKS—You like drama in your relationships. You also like loud, mechanical whirring sounds.

COCKTAILS—You’re purposeful and know what you want. To you, blender-drink fans are your bitches.

WHITE WINE—You’re optimistic but sometimes insecure. You’d like to be a nudist but you don’t know how.

RED WINE—You’re classic and confident but not very street-smart. For instance, you wouldn’t know how to shiv someone with a broken bottle.

SHOTS—You don’t like wasting time. Ideally you’d like to get naked right now.