Month: April 2013

Offended!

My Fellow Inebriates,

You’d think I’d get more comments like the one I received last night from one Robert Richard, aka “Nice Chrstian [sic] Guy.”

robert richard Apr 7, 11:18 pm

I’m offended by your use of the name Jesus in this way. Obviously you are ignorant of the diety Christ holds, obvious you are ignorant of the consequences you will face because of your insubordination. It is a terrible thing to fall into the hands of God! Really! He doesn’t mess around and YOU need to backtrack and rethink your foolishness.

Nice Chrstian Guy

Who knew Christians stayed up so late? The comment is in response to this picture and the title “Fix It Jesus-Style”:

sink fixed

Robert’s message is the kind of comment that actually makes my fur hurt. I guess I’ll just go through it bit by bit.

I’m offended by your use of the name Jesus in this way.

What are you doing on my site, dude??? What are you looking for? Doesn’t the Bible forbid drinking? Are you scanning just in case there’s a review for O’Doul’s? (There is.)

Okay, so, Robert buddy, being offended is a choice. It’s not like having your leg broken. It’s your chosen reflex to something I published for an audience that is not captive. (I have the crappy site stats to prove that.)

Incidentally, lots of guys are named Jesus.

jesus-loves-you-is-different-in-mexico

Obviously you are ignorant of the diety [sic] Christ holds…

I guess this is where Liquorstore Bear gets definitively outed as an infidel. But here’s the thing, Robert dude…I just don’t know. I guess you could say I’m a

militant agnostic

Right? I totally don’t know. But you don’t know either. So you can believe what you want and it’s cool. As for me, well, we probably won’t run into each other at any barbecues, will we? So it’s probably cool if we just leave each other be.

Oh yeah. It’s spelled D-E-I-T-Y. And I’m not actually ignorant of the fact that many, many people believe in the divinity of Christ and consider Christ a deity. (Got that usage? Tricky, right?) Again, totally cool with me.

The humans at LBHQ were actually raised as Christians—one Catholic and the other a more vague, inclusive flavor. We have a bunch of well-read Bibles and plenty of Christian relatives with whom we coexist pretty peacefully.

Going back to ignorance, there is a difference between being ignorant of the fact that people believe Christ is a deity and the “fact” that he is one, which you cannot know for sure (and nor can I). You cannot be ignorant of a non-fact. Your accusation of ignorance is tantamount to saying I’m ignorant of the fact that blue is the nicest color. (But don’t worry, Robert, there’s a laundry list of stuff I don’t know shit about, like quantum physics, how to index a book, why my homemade liqueur has curds…)

…obvious [sic] you are ignorant of the consequences you will face because of your insubordination.

You do mean in the afterlife, right, Robert? You’re not going to throw a brick through the LBHQ window or anything? And…oh yeah—insubordination to what? If you mean insubordination to you, then I guess I’ll have to hunt through my files to see if I’ve agreed to be your employee (or did you mean slave? because the Bible’s okay with that). But if you mean insubordination to God, then maybe you and I should both leave it to God. Even though he’s probably busy and whatnot, I’m sure he’ll get around to punishing me when he’s ready. As long as you don’t mind waiting. You seem kind of eager, Robert.

It is a terrible thing to fall into the hands of God!

I thought God was supposed to be nice. Especially NT God, who seems like a mellower, middle-aged sort of God whose prefrontal cortex is fully on line now so he doesn’t get sudden nasty impulses. You make falling into his hands seem like getting mugged or something, Robert.

Really! He doesn’t mess around and YOU need to backtrack and rethink your foolishness.

Dude, he totally messes around. Look at the way he messed around with Abraham that time. Kill your son! Oh wait—I was only messing around, let him go. Throughout the Bible (Leviticus, anyone?) God tells people to do horrific things. (That’s what I meant about OT God as opposed to NT God—he was off the hook in ancient times, right?) If you don’t think God messes around with people, check out what he asked Noah to do.

Okay, so I know this is low-hanging fruit here and only adherents to a literal interpretation of the Bible will be offended by it (um…why are you here??). For many people, faith is totally compatible with science and modern life—and kindness, compassion, openness to other people’s opinions, a sense of humor—you name it.

So how would I backtrack? I’m a pretty dumb animal, I admit it. To give you an example, for a long time I thought water was poisonous. I’m a total idiot. But I try to be open-minded. So I’ll keep thinking about how to be less foolish. Will you, Robert, give some thought to how you can be more of a

Nice Chrstian [sic] Guy

and more open-minded, instead of threatening small bears who don’t have a chance of getting into Heaven anyway because Heaven is reserved for human beings and not dumb animals?

A great day for America

My Fellow Inebriates,

Oh, to be an American today…. As a Canadian I can’t get in on the action (so my parents tell me), but in the US it’s the 80th anniversary of the day beer became available in the US—the beginning of the end of Prohibition. Back in 1933, thirsty citizens lined up at bars and taverns all over the country waiting for midnight to strike so they could finally enjoy a legal brew.

daily-news-announces-prohibition-1933Prohibition was, no doubt, one of the dumbest legislative ideas ever conceived, spawning an infamously violent underground economy and string of HBO series concerned with the crimes committed in the name of supplying and procuring alcohol to a populace that undoubtedly wanted it. Lasting an unbelievable 13 years, Prohibition produced—in addition to the gangland events that continue to supply screenwriters with fodder—some unintended consequences for alcohol production in America: consequences that would delay America’s international acceptance as a serious wine producer and instead mire it with a persistent reputation for producing bathtub moonshine.

Consider something as simple as grape planting. Driven to produce their own wine during the dry years, Americans created a demand for hardy, disease-resistant, “no-brainer” grapes that weren’t necessarily optimal for making wine. California grape growers increased their land allocation by 700% to accommodate the demand, ostensibly for table grapes, tearing up decent vines and planting crappy consumer ones because this was the only way they could stay in business. Growers even produced thick slabs of grape concentrate bearing cautionary labels: “After dissolving the brick in a gallon of water, do not place the liquid in a jug away in the cupboard for twenty days, because then it would turn into wine.”

ProhibitionThe result was a steady flow of barely drinkable near-vinegar that would render the US’s fledgling wine industry internationally risible. Illegal wine was hideously unstandardized and even watered down. At best it was undrinkable; at worst it was unsafe for consumption. Worst of all, those citizens in such thrall to alcohol that they sought out and drank it anyway could find no psychological help.

Prohibition destroyed or caused serious winemakers to flee the country. When the dry years finally ended, grape cultivators would be left with large swaths of thick-skinned, flavorless grapes planted for the sake of easy transportation, and an industry brain drain that left behind little winemaking knowledge.

Thus April 7 is cause for celebration, my fellow inebriates. In the years since the Volstead Act was declared unconstitutional, American winemaking has followed a long road to recovery. Not until the 1980s did it manage to penetrate the international wine market with any degree of seriousness, and its fight against European derision is to some extent still being waged.

Okay, so logically, I should be reviewing some American wine here. This was the plan, but my parents are being dickheads again, and they wouldn’t buy any. (Apparently “we” are drying out for a while.) So I’ll tell you instead about the Canadian Cream in the fridge.

20121117_095219

How does this tie in with Prohibition? It doesn’t really, except that it’s a good example of what happens when citizens with very little expertise decide to make their own booze. Cooking up our own Irish cream variant seemed like the best idea we’d ever had, but four months later the stuff is looking a bit gross. Sure, it passes the sniff test, and my mum baked something with it last month, but it has some weird curds that have to be strained out of it, and nobody OMG! I totally want to drink it but I can’t get into the fridge really wants to drink it.

Fridge attempt

ASTROLIQUOR for April 5-11—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Socially, Aries, you’re in for an unpredictable week. Expect everyone to behave like crazed drunks: one minute amorous, the next minute coming at you with a broken bottle. By Thursday you’ll have squeaked through this without injury, only to face a financial dilemma—an offer you can’t refuse…or can/should you? Wait until mid-April to decide. In the meantime? Jell-O shots of course:

  • 1 box orange Jell-O (the stars don’t know which size)
  • 1 cup boiling water
  • 1/2 cup orange juice
  • 1/2 cup vodka

Follow package directions EXCEPT substitute the cold water with the juice and vodka (juice first so it cools down the boiling mixture and prevents vodka evaporation).

Taurus, financial security is heavily emphasized, with partners or close relatives laying on thick pressure to get your ducks in a row. This might mean buying insurance or looking into your investments. Or it could mean cutting back on the Jagermeister. The stars know good booze is expensive, so they advise cheap brands this week. Buy a big plastic jug of vodka and some no-name version of Kahlua. Your relatives and coworkers will nod with approval as you manage to save money for the future and still get totally wasted.

Your social life is complicated this week, Gemini, so maintain a healthy skepticism as friends make romantic declarations, only to rescind them the next day. Don’t take it personally—the stars are fickle this week. Then again, the morning after a one-nighter can sometimes be an unpleasant eye-opener. Perhaps your partner got grossed out by the tequila-and-gin vomit splattered on the shower stall…you know, the stain from February?

Cancer, whatever shit was flying at work, it will calm down this week. Your boss will forget that episode involving absinthe and Fresca—and may even deny the whole thing. By mid-week you’ll be the only person who remembers what happened, but your best-behavior paranoia won’t let up until at least Sunday. In the meantime you’ll find yourself saying yes to everything, so get ready for some bizarre new hobbies.

Leo, workplace ethics figure prominently this week, along with added responsibilities and dipshit assignments. This is not a good time to ask your colleagues if they know what the hell they’re doing. The less you know the better, and alcohol can help with that. Be patient and sip some sloe gin (from your flask).

You’ve been happily ignoring your family, Virgo, but you can get away with that for only so long. Relatives will decide they want to live with you and/or initiate complicated financial involvements that will interfere with your plans to drink rum in the nude. Thoroughly study any financial proposals before committing to anything. There’s a reason you’ve been keeping your family at arms’ length. They are nutbags.

Libra, you’ll be pestered by annoying little reminders from colleagues this week. Every five seconds you’ll encounter some new post-it with loopy writing reminding you to do something totally stupid and trivial. Bureaucracy will run rampant and sap your will to live. Hang on until Thursday, when people will turn into human beings again. That’s when you break out the Malibu.

Everyone around you is bored, Scorpio. It’s not your fault—you are doing your usual lunatic things and being entertaining as hell. It’s other people with mad repression who are hanging out in your space and driving you nuts with their inability to occupy themselves. Maybe if you give them some Grey Goose they will go away. It’s worth a shot.

Sagittarius, romantic overtures and social occasions will thrill you this week. You’ve been bored lately (have you been pestering any Scorpios?), so this is a great opportunity to get out of your funk. You’ll also consider new employment. This might be the result of a workplace incident involving dark rum and Dr. Pepper…or you might simply be seeking a new job. Oh yeah, and the stars say your rectum might itch this week, but it’s nothing major.

Professional events are a chore this week, Capricorn. Colleagues are unusually strained, as if they expect a pink slip any minute. This is a good time to network, just in case they’re right. It’s easier to get a job when you have a job, and right now you still have the mojo. Maintain diplomacy and meet as many contacts as you can. Stay alert! But if you figure your job is safe, you can go ahead and mix this up:

  • 2 oz watermelon schnapps
  • 2 oz apple schnapps
  • 2 oz De Kuiper Blue Island Pucker schnapps
  • 2 oz vodka

Whee!

Aquarius, everyone around you is moody this week. You’re walking on eggshells among friends who’ve mated with each other and broken up—and are now torturing you with the relationship aftermath. How awkward…get out the Malibu and Blue Curacao and make some happy drinks. That or banish your friends until they get over their liaison. On Friday you may receive a large inheritance. This will make you super-popular, so get rid of those mopey friends ASAP or you won’t be able to later.

Pisces, finances will be the usual fiasco this week, with all dealings strangely messed up, outlandish promises made and broken, and nutty propositions coming from all angles. Let’s face it: the only safe investment for your cash is liquor. Now’s the time to stock up on all those liqueurs you’ve wondered about. Do you have any Goldschlager? Buy it! Butterscotch schnapps? Go get it! Kahlua? Buy it, and mix it up. Mmmmm. You’re totally broke now, but happy.