My Fellow Inebriates,

The LBHQ computer got a brain transplant this week, and for the few minutes while it waited for its new hard drive, I was not the dumbest thing in the house. I could use a brain transplant myself, or at least an infusion of neurons to keep the existing two company. Then I wouldn’t keep forgetting stuff—like the presents I received last month.

I always hope for one present, but this year I got three, the first a Festivus gift from Sips of Jen and Tonic:

Vinderpants!

Wrote Jen:

I am going to be giving him (it’s a him, right?) Vinderpants as well a wine bottle opener. Vinderpants are underwear for your wine bottle! I actually saw these two years ago, and have been dying to give them to someone. Never had the perfect moment until now. It’s definitely something I would own, and is liquor-related.

I got confused, however (even though Emily and Ashley had fully explained Festivus) and waited by the mail slot for a while. Then one of my neurons figured out that the Vinderpants were a virtual gift. Ahhhhhh! So I made my own Vinderpants and toasted Jen.

I’ve never received such a thoughtful, appropriate, and well-targeted gift.

Oh wait…my Nana & Papa got me this:

An LB-sized bottle of Scotch!!

Yeah…that was pretty awesome. It’s even nicer than the LB-sized mezcal with the worm I got a couple of years ago.

And would you believe it, Santa brought me one too. YES, I STILL BELIEVE IN SANTA, DAMN IT.