Month: January 2012

GLENFARCLAS 17—Come back, Christine!!!!

My Fellow Inebriates,

OMG! Help! Holy shit, humans!

I’ve been hiding out today because the six-year-old barfed in school and came home early. Needless to say, I do not wish to be the preferred stuffie right now. The washing machine scares the freaking crap out of me, and a projectile offering from Miss P would guarantee me a ride in it.

This means I have limited time to tell you about the last item from our weekend scotch-tasting threesome before the invalid gets off the couch and comes looking for cuddles.

Big thanks once again to my friend Christine for visiting with a canvas bag containing this and two other fine whiskies. When you taste two stellar whiskies—the first mind-blowing and the second only fractionally less astonishing—you almost stop breathing wondering what the third will be like.

TALISKER 18 and CAOL ILA 12 are renowned for their peatiness, making GLENFARCLAS 17 the potential oddball of the tasting triad. A Speyside single malt, GLENFARCLAS (“valley of the green grass”) is distilled using spring water from snow melt alongside the River Spey in Ballindalloch, Scotland, rather than the heavily peated water that contributes the characteristic peat-smoke flavoring to the other two I sampled.

Islay whiskey fans sometimes disparage Speyside whiskey (and vice versa) precisely because of the relative lack (or presence) of peat. Even whiskey drinkers who enjoy both regions still tend to favor one of the two styles.

Predictably I like both and suffer equal spasms over the absence from our liquor cabinet of either product. But regardless of that even-mindedness, I’d just enjoyed two peaty drams before the GLENFARCLAS 17 was poured. How would this third whiskey compare?

In the glass, GLENFARCLAS 17 shines a rich coppery amber, with detectable oiliness around the edges. On the nose: a surge of sherry, abundant but contained, and apple-butter with vanilla-butterscotch behind—a perfectly modulated chorus with an oak backbone and distant peat.

The sip is weighty and full, developing with a sensuous pace, the sherry-malt tones mellowing across the tongue into bakery-spice notes and lingering smoke. This whiskey dries noticeably on the tongue, masterfully balanced and complex, with an almost endless finish.

Not with scotch, people.

Some whiskey aficionados, especially Islay fans, might accuse Speyside whiskies of being comparatively simple—but only after burning off their tastebuds with Wonka SweeTarts in the company of an ailing six-year-old.

Adding water might enable the drinker to pick out its individual flavors with heightened precision, but dilution seems an unimaginable crime, and I couldn’t bring myself to try it. Of the three whiskies savored that night, GLENFARCLAS 17 was my favorite, and when Christine left the house with it, I pressed my nose against the window, vibrating with horror and sorrow.

Come back, Christine. Please come back.

ASTROLIQUOR for Jan. 6-12—what the stars say you should drink

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You have a lot of personal problems, Aries, but the outside world is even more messed up, which should give you some perspective. Distract yourself by redecorating your house. You’ll get the most interesting results if you do this drunk (but please, no power tools). This drink should inspire you:

  • 3 oz banana schnapps
  • 1 oz peach schnapps
  • 1 oz strawberry schnapps
  • Splash orange juice
  • Splash grenadine

Mix the first three, then add the last two. This might not be enough alcohol, in which case try doubling the recipe.

Taurus, you’ve often been the designated driver lately, a fact you’re starting to resent. If you can’t foist this duty off on somebody else (somebody responsible), stay home and drink Tequila Rose. Sometimes it’s best to drink alone, especially when you’re feeling taken advantage of.

Charities have started hitting you up for money, Gemini. That’s okay, as long as you believe in their goals. But if you find yourself short on drinking money, you might want to help out in non-financial ways, such as letting a drug addict stay at your house or stripping for the elderly. If altruism is wearing you out, relax with a hard-hitting drink—maybe some Bacardi 151 mixed with amaretto and Bailey’s.

You could do with some excitement, Cancer. Sometimes you need to force the issue and seek out uncomfortable situations. The best way to do this is in a drunken state so your judgment can’t impede any potential thrills. Look for weird people to hang out with; they’re often very accepting, and they might enjoy an exotic drink or two. Here’s a start:

  • 2 oz creme de cassis
  • Splash lime cordial
  • 4 oz Absolut Kurant
  • Splash raspberry juice
  • 1 cup lemonade (or none if you prefer)

Make a slushy in your blender. Everybody likes slushies, and they’ll like you for making them one.

Friday is a big day for your love life, Leo, which means you should probably have a bath. Get ready to impress—this person could be your soul mate, which calls for a special drink. Shake copious but equal amounts of vodka, maple liqueur, Irish cream, creme de cacao, white chocolate liqueur, dark chocolate liqueur together with ice. Add half-and-half cream to taste. This is a great drink to share in bed, but if you make a habit of it you’ll need to be airlifted out of bed one day like those people on Maury Povich.

I see a fling with an exciting foreigner for you, Virgo, but don’t pin any long-term hope on this hook-up. Just enjoy his/her eclectic drink tastes and expand your horizons. Just for sport, try mixing Bailey’s, sambuca and rootbeer. Wow! See who can drink the most of this unusual beverage. Just when you’re pissed to the point where you can’t speak, a valued old friend will call to report being cured of an incurable disease. Magic! Is it true or is it a hallucination?

Libra, one of your friends is really choked at you over something you didn’t actually do. This sucks, because it’s draining energy from what was once a valuable friendship. You need to work it out, and what better facilitator is there than alcohol? Start innocently with chocolate milk, then add some brandy to it. Before long you’ll be either swinging at each other or trading back rubs.

Do you plan to be an organ donor, Scorpio? Let’s hope not, because that liver is getting pickled. Best to enjoy the ride on planet earth, which means drinking all the Drambuie and Kahlua you want. You’re getting the urge to color your hair—go for it! The crazier the better. There will be one dissenter among your friends who feels the need to criticize it. Don’t give this person any Drambuie or Kahlua; he/she won’t appreciate it.

Sagittarius, relationships and chance meetings are featured this week. You’ll be bumping into people everywhere, and at least one of them will be into you. Whether this develops into something serious will depend on your particular level of flakiness. Regardless, alcohol will help you out of those clothes. I see a Malibu/vodka bender with some Frangelico for extra panache.

An acquaintance is jealous of you, Capricorn. This is very upsetting and threatens your relationship, whether it be work-related or personal. Try not to stew about it. Loosen up with a happy drink, such as Midori melon liqueur with apple juice and gingerale. Don’t overdo it, though, and make sure you stow the car keys away. This week calls for caution around anything with moving parts—especially if your jealous friend is at the controls. I know, I know, that’s really creepy, but it was in the stars.

Ditch the pastel shades, Aquarius, and go after the vivid life you deserve. Get rid of anything bland, including boring wardrobe items. Now’s the time to step outside your comfort zone. Go ahead, embarrass yourself a little. Find one of those People of Walmart to give you fashion inspiration. Those people are numerous and happy to exhibit their special ideas. Reward them with Bailey’s and butterscotch shots. If they barf on your carpet, well, doesn’t that just make your life more colorful?

Pisces, you’re getting a lot of appeals for help lately. Maybe you’re in social work; maybe you just don’t look very busy. Let the supplicants know you’ll only help for a little while—i.e., until you’re too drunk to care about them. The easiest way to abbreviate your charity work is to drink constantly. But be careful… One of the people bugging you is secretly in love with you. Expect an unusual gift—some Jagermeister or Goldschlager, for example, along with an invitation to share. Watch out for over-sharing, though! This person has chlamydia.

Why fun is better than hot

My parents have refused to purchase critical items including but not limited to Johnnie Walker Black Label and Goldschlager. They tell me groceries take priority and that’s just how it is.

I get the solid-foods thing; I understand that people and especially kids need to eat meals, and that it’s important not to squander our resources. I do actually like the kids, even though they get a little nutty sometimes when it comes to yours truly.

Can you tell which handwriting is thumbless?

So yes, we should feed them, which means allocating funds for Rice Krispies and apple sauce instead of my booze wish list.

But sometimes my parents waste money.

For instance, they paid the school $10 for something called Hot Lunch and then forgot about it.

According to the school, Hot Lunch means a pizza day for the kids, so they don’t have to bring a sandwich. The school collects the money about two weeks before the lunch, at which time parents check off their preferences as to pizza topping and milk versus juice to accompany it.

Urban slang defines Hot Lunch a little differently—something the grade one teacher may be aware of, given that she rephrased it in the classroom calendar as “Fun Lunch.”

Either way, it slipped my mum’s mind and she packed a sandwich anyway—a waste of resources and (I humbly point out) a small but direct hit on the Goldschlager fund.

I expect my parents to forget stuff. But I wondered how they could forget the school’s exuberant urging to enjoy Hot Lunch.

I asked my mum if she was concerned about the school providing Hot Lunch for minors and making parents pay for the experience.

She smacked her own forehead, realizing she’d forgotten all about it and exerted herself unnecessarily to construct a ketchup-and-cheese sub. This mattered to my mum, who tends to economize with her parenting efforts.

“Is it the Hot Lunch aspect of it?” I asked.

“Fun Lunch,” she said.

“Because I think I’d decline an offer of Hot Lunch myself.”

“Oh, would you?”

“I would.” I was being very sincere.

“Miscreant.”

So I guess it looks like another dry day here at LBHQ.