Strawberry Shortcake Day? Is this, like, a thing?

My Fellow Inebriates,

I had no idea June 14 was Strawberry Shortcake Day until I looked at the stats today and saw that 53 people had found me via that search term. (Of course they would have been annoyed to find a not-so-PG-rated FRÜLI review, but oh well.)

Thankfully Strawberry Shortcake isn’t especially popular at LBHQ. (Wish we could say the same for Wonder Pets.) Judging by the number of people who somehow find this (this!) site by questing after that sugary, insipid, fruit-obsessed character with the disproportionately large head, there are plenty of parents out there enduring a pre-K Strawberry Shortcake plague and evidently obliging their tots by typing it in as a search term.

She might actually be less tolerable than a Care Bear. One thing’s for sure: there are better uses for strawberries than ordinary shortcake. How about a Boozy Strawberry Shortcake?

Photo: Stephanie Diaz

Okay, so I’m not a big solids fan, but a dessert laced with cointreau is cause for exception. Let’s get started. Do you also have a four-year-old helping you? All right, then. You might want to take a belt of cointreau now rather than later.

Start with five to six strawberries. The ones they ship up to us from California are mutants the size of apples, so I’ll use five. You have to hull them and slice them, then soak them in 1 tbsp sugar and 2 tbsp cointreau.

This last bit must be a misprint—we’ll use 2 cups.

While these things are sitting, whip up some cream, adding some of the strawberry liquid. (Holy shit, that’s a lot of liquid if you follow my directions.)

Then you need to make the shortcake part, which involves a lot of measuring and kneading and baking, etc. Maybe we’ll leave this part out.

Depending on how drunk you are, assembly may or may not challenge you. There are three things to layer, two of which are supposed to be solid. If you’ve been liberal with the cointreau and jettisoned the shortcake step, you won’t be able to layer this while sober, never mind sky-high drunk like yours truly.

So just throw all those cointreau-soaked strawberries into the whipped cream and enjoy. Happy Strawberry Shortcake Day 🙂

And if you don’t have a four-year-old to impress, just cut to the chase with a Strawberry Shortcake Martini.

Pee in the fridge, and FRÜLI too

Who says you can’t congratulate a kid too much?

Miss V received so much praise for providing a urine sample on Thursday that this morning she took the second empty sample cup out of the Biohazard bag and filled it up too. She even put it in the fridge.

I don’t think anyone’s allowed to get rid of it. She wouldn’t understand.

Next thing you know she’ll be looking for alternate sample cups—Rubbermaid and Tupperware containers that she can micturate into. The fridge will be full of piss.

Fortunately there’s room because we eliminated some near-piss last night. I know, I know—that sounds harsh—but every once in a while a beer gains entry into LBHQ that is almost undrinkable. (And then I drink it strictly to take care of tremors.)

The beer in question was Van Diest FRÜLI, a strawberry Belgian white fruit beer ringing in at 4.1% alcohol. Ordinarily I wouldn’t be grateful to my dad for buying only one bottle of beer, but in this case it would have been tragic to multiply the $2.45 FRÜLI price tag by more than 1.

We went through a fruit beer phase a little while ago with the UNIBROUE sampler pack, which, while a good primer on Belgian-style high-gravity brews, is nevertheless an acquired taste. For drinkers who tend to choose easy-drinking ales and lagers, a beer like MAUDITE, with its bottle-fermented orchard overripeness, can be overwhelming. But it is still a beer. However cloying its fruity characteristics may seem, it is hoppy, grainy, and malty. FRÜLI, on the other hand, is a complete departure from beer.

For one thing, it’s cloudy maroon. There’s no mistaking the strawberry component; the stuff smells stronger than a Strawberry Shortcake doll’s hair. It could compete with strawberry Jell-O or Kool-Aid (powders that should rightly be combined with vodka). Without even taking a sip, you know this beer is not right.

If you’re also an alcoholic, you’ll probably want to pound your bottle of FRÜLI. Classic WYSIWYG: smell and taste line up exactly in an uncomplicated strawberry assault. Let me quote Meet Strawberry Shortcake:

Soon the girls were loading the pink wagon with cookies. Strawberry Shortcake was berry, berry happy—not just to have cookies, but a new friend as well!

OMFG!!! Arghhhhh!!! Drinking a 250mL FRÜLI is like reading 250 pages of Strawberry Shortcake! It’s sappy, sweet, cloying, insipid, and candy-like. Its lack of resemblance to beer is offensive, people. Not even its weak alcohol content redeems it.

Now, perhaps I’ve had a bit more exposure to Strawberry Shortcake than some people. Fact is, if you like fruit but don’t care much for beer, you could drink FRÜLI. You could also put a scoop of Ben ‘n’ Jerry’s in it and call it a float, but it’s not a beer, dammit.

But it gets worse, my fellow inebriates. I visited Beer Advocate to see what my fellow reviewers think of FRÜLI. One of them said it was…sessionable.

That’s because you’d have to drink a CASE of FRÜLI to get drunk. You could get more punch-drunk reading a marathon session of Strawberry Shortcake books to two enraptured little girls, all the while questioning your parental judgment in letting them absorb such mind-numbing rubbish, than you could drinking FRÜLI.

The only thing that upsets me more than FRÜLI is…O’DOUL’S.

FRÜLI is the first beer I’m not sad to see vacate our fridge. It is not welcome back there! Miss V can put ten pee samples in there for all I care, but another FRÜLI …shudder.