Okay, so here’s Roger Federer serving at the 2012 Olympic Games. My dad would have a boner watching that—it would rock his world seeing Federer send Alejandro Falla (who made Federer work for it) packing in the first round.
Photograph by: Stefan Wermuth, REUTERS
You’d think tickets for tennis in London would be scarce as Broker’s Gin at LBHQ. You’d expect a packed house, even on Day One.
But check out the empty seats!
Londoners were scandalized to see scores of empty seats in primo stadium locations—not just for tennis but for aquatics and basketball. Wouldn’t you be pissed if, when you attempted to buy tickets, you encountered “Sold Out” signs—then, watching in a hot apartment on a crappy TV, you saw these big, empty patches in the audience? OMG, I’d be pissed! I might smash my beer bottle over the back of the chair, then rampage around London with my makeshift shiv.
Okay, maybe I wouldn’t. I totally wouldn’t.
But I’d expect the Olympic Games organizers to answer Londoners’ collective sense of WTF. Which, in a public statement, British Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt more or less said would happen.
“We think it was accredited seats that belong to sponsors, but if they are not going to turn up, we want those tickets to be available for members of the public, because that creates the best atmosphere. So we are looking at this very urgently at the moment.”
You wouldn’t believe how the abusive sarcasm flew when I asked whether we were going to the Olympic Games in London. And then I got a dime-by-dime lecture on why we don’t just jet-set wherever it occurs to me to travel. OMG! I mean, do I look like I understand transportation costs and global logistics?
It wasn’t a totally selfish suggestion either. With the LBHQ move ten days away, vacationing to London seemed like a perfect way to relieve stress. Everyone knows it’s fun to take small children on planes for nine-hour voyages, and I bet they still have those teeny little booze bottles for about $10 each.
But mainly I wanted to investigate some special games occurring in London alongside the Olympics. Turns out there’s a selection:
Paralympics
When asked, most people say “para” is short for “paralyzed” or “paralysis,” but it actually derives from the Greek word παρά (para), meaning “in parallel” or alongside the Olympic Games.
This event occurs after the London Olympics, from August 17 to September 2. Just as well—it’s in Wales. Llanwrtyd Wells, a town famous for unusual events, offers a fantastic alternative program for sports fans who may be jaded by the Olympics:
The inaugural 2005 Drunk Olympics were held in Utah, then repeated in Colorado in 2006 (although with limited events because it was “fucking cold-ass cold”). Inexplicably the torch was dropped in 2007 (figuratively, that is, as the flaming Bacardi 151 torch couldn’t be expected to last). No, it seems organization was the ruin of the Drunk Olympics. We alcoholics don’t make the most excellent planners.
Truthfully, the Drunk Olympics were my primary motivation to get on a plane, but it seems they’re defunct. At the last mention, organizer J.P.G. Smith planned to hold a 2008 Drunk Olympics in Milwaukee featuring the new event “distance pissing.”
Amazingly this never happened, considering the Spartans maintained a similar drunken competition for at least 35 years, getting pissed on wine before engaging in classical athletic events.
While there may be no officially sanctioned Drunk Olympics in London, the South Korean sailing coach has already been sent home for drunk-driving after a banquet. Said the South Korea Sailing Federation, “It is true that Lee [Jae-cheol], who can’t drink well, was caught drunk-driving by the police when he was returning alone to the athletes’ village at 5am for training after sleeping for some time to get sober…It is really a matter for regret. Although we will thoroughly grasp the issue and take action after finding out what was wrong, we think Lee is under enormous amount of psychological pressure.”
Too bad Lee didn’t call a cab. Now he’ll miss the entire London event, he’ll be fined and disciplined, and he’ll probably end up losing a sweet job.
As delightful as the Drunk Olympics may sound, it’s never worth the risk driving drunk.
Liquorstore Bear 