schnapps

Dear Santa…

Open letter to Santa Claus:

Dear Santa,

I know you are very busy making dreams come true for westernized children all over the world, stimulating the economy and driving stressed-out parents to drink. That’s cool. I just wanted you to know that there are very few things in my liquor cabinet right now. The cupboard is bare, Santa, and I’m hoping you will come through for me.

Here’s my current inventory, if you haven’t been following me:

  • Bacardi Big Apple Rum—8 oz or so
  • Malibu—maybe 3 oz
  • Cusano Rojo Mezcal—2 oz, worm definitely dead
  • El Senorio Mezcal—4 oz, never opened, worm still hanging out in there
  • Appleton Estate Rum—2 oz

So that’s not very good, right? How can I mix myself a Green Man or a Snowglobe or a Naughty Monkey without some core ingredients? I know you understand because you have a very red nose—the kind that’s bursting with blood vessels from years of imbibing excess. You feel me, right? You get my needs?

Okay, Santa, so here’s what I’d like:

  • Bacardi white rum
  • Bacardi 151
  • Blackberry brandy
  • Strawberry liqueur
  • Banana liqueur
  • Hypnotiq (or more Malibu if you can’t find Hypnotiq)

That will take care of Christmas morning. In the afternoon I’d like (please):

  • Pernod
  • Champagne
  • Melon liqueur
  • Bailey’s
  • Crown Royal
  • Amaretto liqueur

Okay. That covers most of Christmas day. Then there’ll be a big song-and-dance about making dinner and I’ll disappear for a while for a nap. I might skulk to the table if there’s wine (would you bring some chardonnay and pinot gris please?) but won’t really need anything until later, and then…

  • Peppermint schnapps
  • Goldschlager – yeah!!!

I realize this doesn’t really stock a liquor cabinet; a lot of these are specialty items that don’t figure in everyone’s everyday drinking. But I think it’s a travesty that my parents won’t keep these things on hand. Sure, they can be relied upon to buy a bottle of wine or a six-pack of beer once in a while, but they are hopeless about setting up a bar. So maybe you can come through for me, Santa, and bring a few bottles. That is, if you are not too laden down with toys for the kids here (and really, they don’t need anything much, and what you do bring them could be very small and space-efficient, if you get my drift).

Also, if you wanted to bring these things early, for Hanukkah rather than Christmas, that would be great. That way you’d have lots of room in your sleigh and you could get some driving practice before Christmas Eve, so it would be very win-win for us. I celebrate every holiday to excess and believe that liquor has a place at each and every one.

I always believed in you Santa—don’t forget, okay?

 

ASTROLIQUOR for Nov. 11-17

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You’re feeling happy this week, Aries, which means fruity fruit fruit:

  • 1.5 oz vodka
  • half a lime
  • 1/2 oz passion fruit syrup
  • 1/2 oz watermelon liqueur

Shake with ice and strain into a chilled glass. Again, I know this is kind of a silly drink for you, Aries, but when you’re happy you have the patience to plan and execute drinks like this.

It’s time to quit driving your car, Taurus, so you can properly enjoy your liquor cabinet. Be a free spirit and pour equal parts Pepsi and red wine into a decanter. This is one of those awesome beverages that others often decline, so you get it all to yourself. YEAH!!

Life is cuddly and harmonious right now, Gemini. Get out some nice apple cider (I RECOMMEND Strongbow) and mix it 3:1 with cherry liqueur. Share it with someone who makes your fur tingle.

This is a good week for Cancers to hit on the opposite sex. Pick a drink that differentiates you as a fun-loving party animal, then buy everyone a round. I’d go with shooters: equal parts Crown Royal and butterscotch schnapps.

Start thinking about moving out of your parents’ house, Leo, and stock up your own booze shelf. You need some good Russian vodka. With a bit of lime, soda water, and sugar, you’re all set.

The asteroid didn’t hit us last week, and everything’s all good. Virgo, you need to go out on a limb and get crazy this week. How long has it been since you had a party drink? This one’s called a Smurfette:

  • 3 oz Malibu
  • 3 oz Blue Curacao
  • 4 oz banana liqueur
  • Pineapple juice to taste (I usually have “none”)

Serve over ice. Yum!

All eyes are on you, this week, Libra, so get out your flask, fill it with gin, Blue Curacao, orange juice and cheap white wine, and take it to work. When people see your inexplicable nonchalance, you’ll probably get a promotion.

You’re not your usual emotional vampire self, Scorpio, because you’re in the groove and finding comfort in happy, joyful concoctions. Malibu is an integral part of any fun-time drink, so shake it up in equal parts with Captain Morgan spiced rum and mango rum. Then add pineapple juice…or not.

Sagittarius, you make it all look so easy. You’ll have a lot of adventures this week, none of them planned, and the culprit will be Captain Morgan. It’s just so easy to throw it into your ice tea with a squirt of lemon.

You’re conflicted this week, Capricorn…are you ready for take-off or grounded in reality? I find the right liquor usually prevents over-thinking things. Try adding peppermint schnapps to everything this week. If you can keep a steady buzz going without overshooting into unconsciousness, you should have interesting times.

Love and romance are favored this week, Aquarius, but you are still preoccupied with taking over the world. This is not the week for that! You need to get really loaded and have fun. Here’s a start:

  • 2 oz dark rum
  • 1 oz 100-proof vodka
  • 1.5 oz Blue Curacao (because you LOVE blue things)
  • 2 oz pineapple juice
  • Red Bull to taste
Doesn’t that sound fantastic? Drink up!

Pisces, you’ve been finding yourself in the gutter a bit too often lately. Maybe hard liquor isn’t your thing right now, especially since people keep kicking your ass. Stick to beer this week, and slow yourself down by adding strange things to it: Worcestershire sauce, lemon juice, soy sauce, Tabasco, pepper…you get the idea. Add ’em all if you like. It’ll make it hard to pound the beers as fast as you normally do.