rum

Question(s) of the day

My Fellow Inebriates,

Emily, presumably looking for a subject matter expert, forwarded me this question:

Emily's search terms bear odor

I love this. It’s like the person wanted to make sure Emily knew what the question meant—i.e., not how a bear detects scents (try 4000 x human sensitivity, people) but how filthy a bear actually smells to its unfortunate family. Yes, bears smell. And they smell. Bad.

♦

Meanwhile, my friend Patti asked me if I’d seen this item on the shelves:

Pumpin-Face-Rum1

Holy crap, MFI, I had not noticed this product. Patti, as God/Thor/the Great Spaghetti Monster/the Zombie Collective is my witness, I will not rest until we have it at LBHQ.

♦

And then, as if life wasn’t exciting enough, I learned I’d been named in a will:

Named in will scam

Awesome, right?? The first thing I did was grab my dad’s credit card and send the digits to my benefactor (including, of course, the three-digit security code). Who wouldn’t love an inheritance? My dad will be so happy when he finds out. Maybe he’ll buy me that Pumpkin Face Rum…or some deodorant.

Blackberries are over? Damn you, global warming!

Looks like we’re not the only freegans in Langley. Mum and Miss V went blackberry picking the other day and found the bushes stripped of fruit. What remained was shriveled or festooned with spider webs, and they came home with only half a bucket for their troubles.

“What the hell are we going to make margaritas with?” I asked Miss V, who promptly put me in a dress and forced me to attend a “bear wedding.”

PICT1885

Blackberry season started early this year thanks to a hot, dry summer and/or climate change. My mum only discovered the berries were ready by accident when she emerged from the bank three weeks ago and collected a bucket’s worth in the parking lot within 15 minutes. It was the first time we’d ever received something free or even worthwhile from the bank, but instead of making blender drinks she made jam, crumble, and cookies. When I asked about daiquiris, she said “Next time, LB.” Can you believe it? Complacently then, she waited two weeks to go back for more berries. And they were gone.

If you had more sense than my mother and picked while the picking was good, here are your fabulous prizes.

♦

Blackberry Bellini

Ingredients: - 5 oz Procescco - 2 oz blackberry puree - 1 oz creme du mure Garnish: whole blackberry and mint leaf Pour in the blackberry puree and creme du mure into a champagne flute. Top of with processco. Finish with a mint leaf and whole blackberry garnish. (Cocktail created by Brian McGrory)

Ingredients:
– 5 oz Procescco
– 2 oz blackberry puree
– 1 oz creme du mure
Garnish: whole blackberry and mint leaf 

Pour in the blackberry puree and creme du mure into a champagne flute. Top of with processco. Finish with a mint leaf and whole blackberry garnish. (Cocktail created by Brian McGrory)

♦

Blackberry Mojito

Ingredients: 12 large blackberries 12 mint leaves 4 teaspoons sugar 1 Tablespoon fresh lemon juice 1 Tablespoon fresh lime juice 3 ounces light rum (you can substitute vodka if you like) Ice Club soda Lime wedge, mint, and blackberries for garnish Chill two glasses. Put the mint and the berries in the bottom of a cocktail shaker with the sugar. Use a wooden spoon to muddle (bruise) the mint and crush the berries. Add rum, lemon and lime juice. Fill with ice. Shake until well chilled. Put mint leaves in the bottom of the glass. Add ice. Strain the cocktail over the ice. Top with club soda for a little sparkle.

Ingredients:
12 large blackberries
12 mint leaves
4 teaspoons sugar
1 Tablespoon fresh lemon juice
1 Tablespoon fresh lime juice
3 ounces light rum (you can substitute vodka if you like)
Ice
Club soda
Lime wedge, mint, and blackberries for garnishChill two glasses. Put the mint and the berries in the bottom of a cocktail shaker with the sugar. Use a wooden spoon to muddle (bruise) the mint and crush the berries. Add rum, lemon and lime juice. Fill with ice. Shake until well chilled. Put mint leaves in the bottom of the glass. Add ice. Strain the cocktail over the ice. Top with club soda for a little sparkle.

♦

Blackberry Fruittini

Ingredients: • 1 part ABSOLUT Kurant • 1 dash Dry Vermouth • 1 dash Sugar Syrup

Ingredients:
• 1 part ABSOLUT Kurant
• 1 dash Dry Vermouth
• 1 dash Sugar Syrup

 

And if, like my mother, you weren’t organized or didn’t bother to get blackberries so your little bear friend could enjoy blackberry cocktails, your fabulous prize is that you get to go out and buy your little bear friend a bottle of vodka and watch him pound it.

 

ASTROLIQUOR for September 2013—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

My little summer companions are back to school today. Let’s hope this means my typists will resuscitate the blog, but they’ve gotten pretty random lately, so who knows? For now, we need some celestial drinking guidance. I shudder to think what you’ve all been drinking without a booze horoscope. Budd Light? Say it ain’t so, my fellow inebriates.

The stars told me they were getting tired of weekly horoscopes, and that they could do a better job if I appealed to them only once a month. “Okay,” I said. “I am going to spend the rest of the month ripped out of my head on whatever you suggest.” We made a deal, and here it is.

Aries, it’s time to get a job, and September is your month. Don’t say you have no skills, and even if you really don’t, you can fake your way through any interview with a carefully crafted cocktail of Rockstar energy drinks, vodka, triple sec, and cranberry juice (for that urinary tract infection the stars say you have). Make sure, as you vibrate your way through the interview, that you drop all the classic key words: you’re a team-playing, multi-tasking, out-of-the-box thinker, right? Hellz, yes, how could you not be with every brain cell buzzing? You won’t be able to sit still, but at least try to be organized. Arrange your files logically. Save a desk drawer for a flask. Your make-or-break period starts September 5, so load up. Maintain your knife-edge buzz and you’ll be saying yes to a promotion in January. Just remember: it all starts with vodka.

Taurus, you’re sniffing out autumn, ready to say good-bye to hot weather and stock up on booze brands that will warm your cockles (whatever cockles are). Run to your local booze shop and stock up on white rum, tequila, vodka, gin, and Cointreau. You need these items for a housewrecker party that will kick off your fall season and launch you down a new romantic path. Enjoy it while it lasts; October will bring you a world of horoscopic shit as the planets bang around in your sign. The more inebriated you can remain, the better.

Gemini, the planets are hanging out in your home/family house, hinting at some domestic improvements. Depending on what sort of Gemini you are, this could entail painting or recarpeting. It might just mean running the vacuum cleaner around occasionally. Or maybe the stars think you should pick up those dirty skid-marked ginchies in the corner or scrub that barf stain off the side of the toilet. Whatever the hell kind of Gemini you are, don’t tackle anything so ambitious without a healthy glass of tequila and grapefruit juice. You need the vitamins.

Cancer, you’ll be ready for fall once you exorcise the last of your summer travel itches. Too bad you don’t have any money. Solution? Get blasted on gin and creme de cassis, then ride the subway. You’ll meet lots of exotic people and maybe even have what we vagrant types call a “transit romance.” On September 5 the new moon lands in your “home” house, thus ending your urge to roam and setting off a lengthy agoraphobic phase. Make sure you buy some lottery tickets online because you are sure to win, and then you’ll never have to leave the house.

Leo, this is a fantastic month to be you. Mars brings its warlike energy into your sign, filling you with piss, vinegar, and Captain Morgan’s spiced rum with a peach schnapps chaser. This is an excellent time to start new projects as long as they don’t involve power tools or driving a motor vehicle. Your best days are September 12/13, when Mars and Uranus will combine their energies somehow to get you a raise at work. Enjoy, because October’s gonna suck.

Virgo, you’ll finally get the out-of-control birthday party you’ve always felt so deprived of. That’s because the new moon is in your sign, bringing positivity and joy (for ten days, then you’re wallowing in vomit). In addition to the new moon, Jupiter helps out by camping in your friendship house, so invite everyone you know, including that sketchy FB friend list of yours. They will arrive at your bash with bourbon and lime wedges, copulate in your spare bedroom, and soil all your towels. Jupiter loves this kind of shit, but Saturn will swing by and reprimand you with a ferocious hangover. It’ll be like listening to muppets screaming Happy Birthday inside your ear canal all day. Sounds good, right?

Libra, life has been tough this summer, but September brings a little hiatus. The sun, moon, and Mercury usher in a creative phase, so take any holidays you have outstanding and get to work on your screenplay. Too bad Mercury moves so quickly; this phase will be short. It will speed the hell out of your creative house and into your medical house—next thing you know some doctor will be kneading your gonads. All of which makes you feel that your life lacks…a plan. By the end of September life will be tough again and you’ll be on the psychiatrist’s couch—maybe even in a straitjacket. Here’s a special “soothing” drink for Libras who are on the verge of losing their shit:

  • 1/2 cup creme de cacao
  • 1/2 cup triple sec
  • 1/2 cup Bailey’s
  • 1/2 cup Kahlua
  • 2 cups milk

Scorpio, last month was good for your career, but you didn’t have any tequila in the house then. September is very different, with Mars bringing its special bar-fight energy into your tenth house (fame). You will probably end up on YouTube clocking someone on the subway (see Cancer for potential victims). Worst-case scenario, you end up incarcerated; best-case scenario, you end up with lots of free time, as your under-appreciative boss cuts you loose so you can write your novel. And by all means do that. Apply for welfare and write your heart out; the stars say you will definitely secure a publisher as long as you keep fueling your writing with Hell Marys (Bloody Marys made with tequila). Ahhhh! Success will be yours.

Sagittarius, you will love September as it is extra-friendly this year, and your charisma will accelerate your career forward. The moment the new moon hits, great stuff will happen. Did you know there is an astrological house of other people’s money? Well, there totally is, and that’s where Jupiter is for you this month. And since Jupiter is so big and has such amazing gravity, this means that it will suck money from other people toward you. We’re talking venture capital, bonuses, investment payouts, pyramid schemes—you name it, if it constitutes some kind of illegitimate or shady earnings, you’re getting a windfall. And that means more Bacardi for you.

September looks good for you, Capricorn, especially after the new moon on the 5th, heralding a debauched vacation and/or an all-expenses-paid business trip. Academics feature strongly, as do publishing and screenwriting, so make time during your vacation to brush up any pitches you’ve been working on. Vodka will help with this, especially during the actual pitches, so stock up and load up. Your brain cells can take it because there is a planetary confluence in a highly intellectual part of your chart. Capricorns are intelligent to begin with, so please take the stars seriously and dumb yourself down with lashings of vodka and Blue Curacao before you become annoying.

Aquarius, you’re not usually money-oriented, but your chart is this month, which makes for a bit of a disconnect. The new moon will bring you career success and a probable bonus. Now, even though Aquarians don’t know shit about money and are constantly giving it away, think carefully about stocking your bar first. The stars told me you have some crappy beer and boxed wine but no nuts-and-bolts liquor items such as brandy, bitters, and vermouth. You need these ingredients to have a kick-ass bar, AND you need to keep some money just in case the stars crap on you in October (they are planning to). OMG, you might not have any cash flow until February. Also, there are some planets milling around in your eighth house, which all good astrologers know means hemorrhoids are coming.

Synergy is your key word for September, Pisces. Whatever you think you can do alone, you can do ten times as well with a partner. And whatever you think you can do sober, you can do ten times as well after consuming a great big vat of gin, vodka, and white wine*. Collaboration is highlighted both personally and professionally, making September 6/7 great days for hook-ups and or PowerPoint presentations. Enjoy, because September will move fast, giving way to a financially shaky October. Remember to charge your cell phone; lots of your friends think you’re a douchebag because you never pick up.

 

*No driving! No power tools!