ASTROLIQUOR for November 16-22—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, you’ll have to toil this week to overcome your workplace image as a gin-soaked barbarian. Try on some business-speak. If coworkers don’t laugh, go with it. The less comprehensible you are, the more success you’ll enjoy. Naturally, alcohol will help with this. Change up your flask with some peach brandy. BTW, don’t go into the supply closet with Virgos or Libras.

Taurus, the stars advise you to air your opinions openly. Nobody can stand a douchebag who mentions after the fact that they knew something all along but were too polite to say so. Don’t be a douche! You have far too much Pisco sloshing around your head to think about diplomacy or tact. Friends, family, and colleagues will thank you for your honesty.

Someone is attempting to control you, Gemini. Wish them luck; you are far too elusive to be trapped in someone else’s plans. Meanwhile your workplace has turned into a circus. With the holidays mere weeks away you can’t even feign a work ethic, so you might as well pack the Absolut Kurant in your briefcase.

Cancer, your insight is growing about work, relationships, and finance. You’re realizing what you excel at, and what you suck at. You’re seeing the interplay of various players in all spheres of life—and getting ready to play them off each other. Sounds devious. You’ll need large quantities of tequila.

Leo, you may feel busy, but you’re actually doing a lot of dog-f#cking. Be careful; you are in an important creative life phase, and you’ll never recoup the time you waste. Yes, the stars are saying you should act like a grown-up. For this and many other reasons, you should probably not mix this up:

  • 2 cups red wine
  • 2 cups Coke
  • 2 cups orange juice
  • Multiple shots of peach schnapps

Romantic feelings threaten to get the better of you, Virgo, as the object does not share them. Shift your focus elsewhere, stalker! And don’t even think about venting your pent-up frustration on a third party. Good grief, that’s what Irish whisky is for: burying nuisance emotions. Add some interest with a splash of Irish Mist and some porn.

Libra, you’ll experience a creative spurt along with some general horniness. Together these will distract you from everyday life, turning your workplace productivity into a widely shared joke while sending you off on all kinds of personal ass-seeking tangents. All very tiring, Libra, so you’ll need some brisk, citrus refreshment:

  • 5 oz citrus liqueur
  • Juice of three lemons
  • 1 oz triple sec
  • 1 oz raspberry liqueur

You should probably enjoy this after work, but since you’re struggling to get anything done there, it’s your call.

You have a boner for mysteries, Scorpio, as well as speculations about higher planes and the universe’s secrets. This is an excellent week for plunging into the paranormal. If you wanted to investigate haunted bears, for instance, I could certainly send you one. When the occult gets boring, it’s time to scope out potential partners for some quick intimacy. (Saturday looks best.) The stars say (bitchily) not to be picky, but they are just idiotic balls of exploding gas. Be very picky. You deserve the best. Start every morning with one of these:

  • 1 oz Irish (or Canadian) cream
  • 1 oz Malibu
  • 1 oz whisky

Sagittarius, the small things are making you happy this week: glinting sunlight, your morning java, the sound of birdsong. This is creeping some of your friends out. They are used to the more manic you—the one whose mood hinges on the level of bourbon in your bloodstream. Ignore these detractors for the time being. When you get bored with nature you can always go back to them.

The stars promise a power week, Capricorn. How awesome! Push yourself to the limits mentally and physically. Rev up your stress levels by leaving late for all engagements. Stay up late every night, then go apeshit at the bar on Saturday. I see you reeling around with some cheap Canadian whisky. Yeah!

Aquarius, pay lots of attention to a sick friend this week. Vodka and Red Bull never eventuate in good health, and chances are the combo was your idea. Assuage your guilt, then attend to your workplace situation. You are being watched—surveilled, really— by coworkers with bad intentions. Oh, wait…that’s just paranoia from the vodka and Red Bull. Your colleagues aren’t out to get you; they just think you’re lazy.

Pisces, your mind continues to wander. Brilliant inventions and screenplay ideas occur to you all day long. This makes you very entertaining to any colleagues who don’t actually rely on your workflow. Still, you might want keep something odorless like vodka in your flask. Watch out for saboteurs, especially flirtatious ones.

ASTROLIQUOR for October 19-25—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, friends seek you out this week for physical and mental help. Be careful not to overtax yourself; your reserves of both are limited. Who will help you when you’ve strained every muscle and lost your mind? Maybe a Libra, but then again maybe not. Most likely you’ll dive into the gin, civilizing your bender with Cointreau, Campari, and bitters over ice. Your stomach and bowels will not like this!

Taurus, you are gradually establishing your goals and learning about your own nature. Weeks of introspection and self-analysis are teaching you who you really are. We astrologers like to call this “narcissism.” Enjoy it until December, when work issues pull you out of your navel-gazing. Do not buy a new cellphone! You need that money for vodka, peach schnapps, melon liqueur, and raspberry liqueur.

You’re talented at dodging unpleasant tasks, Gemini, but this week the stars effectively clamp a toilet brush in your hand. Get to work so you can be done quickly. Mindless jobs are a great opportunity to think, and afterwards you can have a cookie (or liquid facsimile):

  • 2 oz Bailey’s
  • 2 oz butterscotch liqueur
  • 2 oz cinnamon schnapps

Cancer, your natural cheer is misconstrued by a horny friend. As fun as this sounds, it will not end well if you pursue it. By December your horny friend will show actual horns, and you may need a restraining order. OMG! Flirting is so much fun; how can you restrain yourself? You’re just too charming, and you have the self-control of a chimp. You need other measures. Start by eschewing showers for a while. Load up on amaretto and peach schnapps. Lose your toothbrush indefinitely. That should chase away your friend before any of this shit goes down.

Leo, you face an age-old conflict between mind and emotions that will carry on through January. You’ll become tiresome telling  friends about this amazing hemispheric brain schism that prevents you from exercising common sense and allows you to behave like a douchebag. You waste piles of money on therapy. Does your therapist know your brain cells are marinating in triple sec? You should mention it.

The stars call for a charmed week, Virgo. Big problems will seem negligible, and small problems will vanish. You’ll sort out past issues and ponder intellectual matters. So confident are you that you become overly acquisitive, straining your bank account. Do you need a new leather couch? You could just purchase a bottle of Stolichnaya and still get that rush from hitting the “buy” button.

Libra, you feel shy this week, which makes you seem sensitive. This attracts people to you, which makes you more self-conscious. Your gut instinct is to hide at home drinking creme de menthe, but it’s a mistake—your carpet can’t take any more green barf. Go out with some friends. They like you, they really like you.

Your feelings fluctuate this week, Scorpio, and friends wonder about you. A paranoid Scorpio with a Cointreau-pickled brain is not a thing to mess with. Someone tells you a secret. You start to think they think you’ll divulge it. You think they’re going to hurt you for divulging it. Freaky stuff, Scorpio, get a grip! Your friend knows you won’t tell. That’s why he/she told you.

Sagittarius, your thoughts continue in a futuristic vein, with November looking promising. Try to interview for jobs on either the 10th or the 25th so you can be sure to nail something. In between you can break out the Grey Goose all day long. Your liver is surprisingly robust this month, so make it work!

Your sensitivity skyrockets this week, Capricorn. Who’s talking about you?! Who’s talking about your partner?! Do they like you? Do they hate you? Your brain overloads with paranoid thoughts. This sort of synaptic noise is the bane of our society. Lashings of whiskey with Grand Marnier should take care of it.

Aquarius, you have a power week ahead as long as you involve other people and resist being a cowboy. Privately and professionally you’ll make gains, although you’ll forget to hit the gym. The stars encourage you to frequent bars; you’ll meet nice people who’ll buy rounds of lemony cocktails.

Pisces, you have a brawl with a colleague this week over something you said. Tactfully, he/she tries to clarify, and you throw a punch! Wow, Pisces, way to get a holiday! You’ll have a lovely week at home in bed, alternating between strawberry cream liqueur and sambuca, and drinking wine when you need to rehydrate. This is what you’ve always wanted.

ASTROLIQUOR for August 24-30—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, you have so much confidence in your own mojo that you often wait for others to email or phone you. Take the initiative this week and call someone from so long ago that they’ve forgotten your typical bar behavior. Shut off your rational side and let your emotions guide you. Okay, so that’s hard when your emotions are usually angry…but you can loosen up with some Captain Morgan and Mountain Dew.

Taurus, you’ll hear from an old friend, but listen carefully and be skeptical. OMG, what do they want? Do they want money? Free drinks? Will they take you away from friends, family and work? Will the two of you go on a bender involving peach schnapps, white sambuca, and Midori melon? (In which case it’s okay, and the best day for it is Sunday.)

You didn’t intend to redecorate your house, Gemini, but that’s what you get when you mix up a tub of vodka and triple sec. Finish the job this week; your half-done alterations are unseemly, especially if you’ve accidentally taken out a wall. Whatever you’ve done, it’s enabled your neighbors to see you in a thong, and they don’t like it.

Now is the time to act, Cancer. Wavering hasn’t done you a lick of good, and the stars are willing to help you make good decisions this week. The key is to have a plan. You can’t just get pissed on tequila and then bring home a truckload of random electronics. Get pissed on Patron and Cointreau and lock yourself in the house.

Leo, whatever your ride is—bike, car, scooter—it’s going to need repairs this week. Be preemptive so the fix is small and inexpensive. Use the downtime to get drunk, staying out of traffic of course. Maybe you could invite a friend over and make some vodka martinis in your bathtub. Sunday’s best for me; just email me your address.

Get out of town for a few days, Virgo. You have some friends who are pissed off at you and, even though you don’t have any money, anyone who’d think of combining Bacardi 151, vanilla liqueur, and Crown Royal with Pepsi is creative enough to get by. Have fun knowing your absence will make your friends’ hearts fonder, or at least keep them from kicking your ass.

Libra, the stars are giving you a hall pass this week. Take it easy; break your more stressful engagements and plan some mellow activities instead. If you can raft along Friday through Monday on a vodka-drambuie river, you’ll get your groove back, and you might even meet a horny new friend.

Everything seems uphill this week, Scorpio. But compare now with five years ago. Chances are you didn’t have enough martinis then, but I bet you’re drinking more of them now. The great thing about aging is that we tend to drink more, and we have fewer friends to share the drinks with, which saves us money. The stars say the martinis should be vodka, but they are not always right.

Sagittarius, you’re surrounded by crud and odor, up to your neck in foul sweatsocks and filthy underwear. Rediscover that particular appliance that spins around (shudder). Put some clothes in it—especially the ones encrusted with Sheep-Dip-and-marsala vomit. Swish a cloth around; feed the toilet some Vim. You’ll feel better about your house and about yourself. Then you can begin afresh with another binge (the best day’s Sunday). Oh yeah, and no lottery tickets for you; spend the cash on booze.

The lottery’s a no-go for you, Capricorn. In fact, the week is generally unlucky, and you just don’t have the money to go nuts like you used to. Stay away from ostentatious types who rub their wealth in your face. Don’t let people pressure you to compete—at least not until October when your finances pick up slightly. For now you’re on a beer budget. Dig into your liquor cabinet and see if you can find some languishing rum. Toss it into the beer along with some gummy bears. That should put things in budgetary perspective.

Aquarius, take a fresh look at your world. Try to imagine everything is new—your job, your home, your relationships—see how much you really have. Life is good, but it’s not always easy to perceive. A simple mood adjustment might help. Good catalysts include Bailey’s Irish Cream and Southern Comfort.

Pisces, go through that cardboard box from the office. It sucks that you got fired again, but think about all the free time ahead. Especially if you’re in the northern hemisphere, this is an awesome time to get cut loose, and you can probably still afford a tequila bottle or two. Have a kick-ass party to celebrate your freedom. The stars say Sunday’s the best day, and it’s all the better because you don’t need to get up on Monday any more.