liquor

ASTROLIQUOR for January 4-10 (2013!)—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, someone—probably a Cancer—will move away without telling you. You’ll clue in after they’ve gone, then spend a week halfheartedly stalking them on the Internet. Thing is, your life is better with this person out of it. Work’s more productive, and even when it’s not, your Alt/Tab reflexes are at their best. Forget about that Cancer! Here’s how: Find four kinds of schnapps and mix them in equal parts, then match what you’ve got with tequila. Oblivion!

Taurus, your memory dropouts will come back to haunt you this week when an old friend reappears—and you can’t remember who the hell the person is. Do your best to recall; this is an interesting friend who can help you professionally. I see you two staying up all night drinking Red Bull with raspberry vodka—all before you have a clue what this person’s name is. Good times.

You have a nutty way of looking at the world, Gemini, and much of the time people don’t “get” you. This week, however, the stars forecast understanding and communication, so do whatever you want; no one will judge you. On Saturday you’ll party with an elderly person. Make sure you telephone later; this person doesn’t have Internet (OMG!). Here’s your party mix:

  • 3 oz rum
  • 3 oz chocolate liqueur
  • 3 oz Irish cream
  • 1 oz milk

Cancer, don’t grumble about your misfortunes. Load up on peach schnapps and confront the person causing them. Guaranteed it’s a Capricorn or a Virgo. If you think this will end badly, you may be surprised. This person has wisdom you don’t even know about. Saturday’s the best day to pick up another Cancer. Try the Walmart section where they sell mesh underwear bags.

Leo, there’s a Pisces you’d love to get naked with, but only if they’ll promise not to talk. Not a good start, but if your junk has its way you’ll end up pursuing this not-very-satisfying relationship. Distract yourself with professional activities. This should remove you from temptation, unless of course you’re in the world’s oldest profession. Your drink?

  • 2 oz vodka
  • 1 oz creme de noyaux
  • 1 oz cherry brandy
  • Cream to taste (I say none)

Virgo, you get the urge to take on extra work, but be careful. Your douchebag colleagues are only too glad to offload their projects. Only do what really interests you. Fact is, you don’t really have to work at all. On Monday you’ll probably win the lottery, and then you can tell everybody to shove it. That’s the day you arrive in a Ferrari and a Starbucks laced with 80-proof rum. You deserve it, you hard worker.

Libra, you’ll replace some of your boring friends with new people this week. As a Libra you won’t feel fickle for doing this; the stars ordain that you should jettison old friends for fascinating new ones. The result will be scintillating conversations and financial opportunities, mondo creativity, and the worst freaking hangover you ever endured. That’s what happens when fascinating new people fill your bathtub with blackberry schnapps and creme de cacao.

Are you feeling gloomy, Scorpio? The stars call for happy orange drinks with lashings of Grand Marnier and orange Curacao. Get sufficiently lit up on this sunny combo and take a beachside walk. You’ll meet a nudist enjoying the bracing January day, and the two of you will enjoy a unique romance throughout January and February.

Sagittarius, you don’t like asking for help, although you often take advantage of family members. This week you’ll need to muster the courage to seek help from a colleague—a nasty bugger who’s always nitpicking your work and busting you for being on Facebook. Loosen this dickhead up with a flask of vodka and Jagermeister—or better yet, save it for yourself.

You’ve grown emotionally, Capricorn, and this ramps up your social appeal. Which will you choose to get naked with—Virgo or Scorpio? And if that’s not the sign of your existing partner, get ready for some turbulence, ’cause the stars say you’re doing this thing. No doubt gin martinis will play a role, but don’t have too many. You need to get up early to visit garage sales. There’s a priceless antique waiting for you to find it.

Aquarius, you feel happy and clever, having solved a challenging intellectual problem. What a brainiac! In fact, you might have too many brain cells. Give them some rum. Once you dumb yourself down you’ll have a vapid flirtation with a neighbor following a ridiculous conversation about lawn fertilizer. Your brain cells will be terribly conflicted, but your naughty bits will like it.

Pisces, there are all sorts of hidden meanings in your mail. Read it carefully! Add up the vowels and consonants; see if there’s a code. You know this isn’t paranoid; there are people out there (mostly Cancers) dedicated to messing with your head. Don’t worry, though, most of them are harmless. The other ones you can invite over for an Everclear party. They need Everclear because it can stop their synapses from making wacky connections between random bits of information. Remember to go outside at least once this week.

The year in review—late, disorganized, and inconclusive

I missed the boat on New Year’s Resolutions (as with every year). But this year there wasn’t even a reminder; the family (humans) went out, and we bears did what we do best. We had a staring contest—which Fluffy won. Whether he knew he was a contestant is another story.

So, instead of fragile resolutions, an LBHQ retrospective for 2012.

THE GOOD THE UGLY
Dad went to work for the Man. He took a corporate job, which left me to my own devices during the day. Dad collapsed his 10-year-old business. We are still sorting everything out. (Which calls for alcohol.)
I met tons of great bloggers. At first WordPress suggested I follow bloggers and make comments, and so I did, but little did I know how many I would come to follow diligently…for the sheer awesomeness of the writing. What an amazing community we’ve got here, my fellow inebriates. I can’t keep up. There is such a lot of good writing out there. Plus I’m jealous of a lot of you.
I got to review 119 types of booze in 2012.

DSCN2986

 I drank them, and now they’re gone. And we might all be alcoholics now.

"Bearly had a chance," said my dad.

 
I retired my Facebook wrestler, LB the Alcoholic Bear. This felt like the right thing to do. Wrestler is a total waste of time, and I felt guilty every second I was playing. A sudden urge came over me, and he’s playing again.
Dad bought a BMW. At last! He has always wanted one. I didn’t get to ride in it until December. We bears were jonesing to ride in the Bimmer. Instead the movers seized us and stuck us in the back of the truck.
We changed headquarters. New (old) house, more space, closer to school, better for…well, drinking. The new LBHQ is awesome. Our move was so f#cked-up and unorganized that we actually left stuff behind. Not small stuff like toilet brushes (although we did leave one of those—doesn’t everybody?). We left big stuff, like a bed—a king-size bed. Mazel tov, new owners, enjoy your bed.
Paranormal events calmed down at LBHQ. For a while it was crazy around here, with Granny’s ghost haunting Fluffy. All kinds of things were bashing around in the night. Either Granny has adjusted to being dead, or she got lost on the way to the new house. Fluffy is now on his own. Totally blank.Fluffy possessed copy
Miss V started kindergarten. For the first time in seven years, the house is quiet between 8:00 and 3:00. Yeah, and I thought I’d have opposably thumbed typists at my beck and call. They went to work instead.
We Work Out Every Day. OMG! The insanity of it. But we have to process that booze somehow. OMG! The insanity of it. Steve Nash, are you out of money? You should fix the toilets at that gym of yours.
With both kids in school, you can actually read books without interruption. Finally, being able to sink into books. More books were read at LBHQ this year than in the last ten years. Did one of those kids take Glen Bear to school? He disappeared and never turned up. 😦

Glen as a baby, 2006
Freshly Pressed! It happened, it happened! Or maybe it was all a dream. Hell, I don’t know. Okay, so I took on 40% more followers, and yet maintained the same daily hits. Hmmmm. Oh well, what the hell—math is for the sober.
LBHQ got its first booze sample. Yes!! It was beer: a six-pack that disappeared in a flash. Apparently it’s not legal to courier booze in Canada, even across town. Naively, I wrote a post enthusing about the delivery, only to learn I’d implicated my benefactor in a crime. The $64,000 question: Will they ever send us beer again?
The world didn’t end in 2012. Sometimes I thought Scarybear wanted it to, but it didn’t. It still might. As Scary says, now we have “indefinite” time to contemplate how.

asteroid hit

ASTROLIQUOR for December 28 to January 3—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, your finances are good and fucked. You spent a ton of money this holiday season, and you haven’t slowed down. If you don’t get yourself under control, you’ll be crying for months. Start by eliminating solid food. It costs a lot of money. Next, stop buying Skyy and Grey Goose. Stick with rotgut vodka until your bank balance looks up. Good luck!

Taurus, you’ll finish an important project this week. Don’t be shy to brag! Modesty will get you nowhere, and if you start muttering about how “it was nothing,” people will think you’re a douche. An Aquarius will ask you to be Designated Driver at New Year. Consider it a compliment, and graciously accept. Stay away from lottery kiosks, fruit, depilatories, and Kool-Aid.

That person you met in June is starting to annoy you, Gemini. As your relationship falls apart, another person steps in to console you. Don’t misread this as poaching; your new friend isn’t into you at all, and really just wants to mooch your Jack Daniel’s. The next few months will be frivolous and shallow, just the way you like.

Cancer, you’re in for a harmonious week. Communication is excellent with partners and friends; work is productive; your ideas are irresistible; and the stars aren’t calling for any bar fights. You have the boss’s ear at work, so speak up about what you want. (Leave the flask of Absolut at home.) A Pisces might give you flowers.

Leo, there’s a creepy Sagittarius hanging around. Stay sober around this weirdo. You can, however, get loaded with Aquarians. You’ll experience wild mood swings as you party with them, however; everyone knows Aquarians are constantly lit up on vodka and vermouth, and they tend to lurch drunkenly into other people’s horoscopes.

Virgo, you’re being goaded by Aries and Aquarius types. They want you to mix up a great big batch of this:

  • 1 cup vodka
  • 2 cups white wine
  • 2 cups lager
  • 1 cup blackcurrant liqueur

Hurry up and mix it, because a Pisces is going to try to talk you out of it.

Libra, take the week off work and consume nothing but vodka, gin, light rum, tequila, and Blue Curacao. Friends will drop in unexpectedly; when they see what you’re mixing, they’ll stay. This means that if you’re wearing a thong, you should put some pants on over it, just to be polite. February looks good for love, and you don’t want to scare anyone off.

You had some troubles in October, Scorpio, but things are looking better. Continue to avoid conflict, and chill out if colleagues are being lazy at work. Everything is going to improve in January, although the voices in your head might get louder. They’re asking for Grand Marnier with coffee and chocolate sprinkles.

Sagittarius, you’re entering an extra-happy phase. Only do those things you feel like doing. Make some artwork, play games, and speak your mind. A Cancer figures prominently…a crazy drinking buddy on a scale you haven’t experienced before. Who on earth would frappé red wine, Coke, tequila, bananas, raisins, and champagne? You might, this week.

Remy Martin and Mountain Dew, Capricorn—that’s what this week has in store for you, along with family cuddles, and one or two late (and weird) Christmas gifts. You are very precise at Sudoku and crosswords, even while gooned. This is very special indeed, but don’t be tempted to think your driving will be similarly enhanced this week. No car keys for you!

Aquarius, you wander in and out of a lot of other astrological signs’ lives this week, mostly being a nuisance, but also inspiring them to break out the Bacardi. Try not to panhandle outside the liquor store; better opportunities are coming up in January. Watch out for Scorpios; one of them wants to take you to an Anthony Robbins seminar.

Pisces, get ready for a week of sexy talk, or at least some graphic descriptions of potentially sexy things. What that means the stars won’t be specific about; we all know how stupid the stars are and that if we’re being honest they are just massive balls of gas exploding in space. If you listen to them, they say: apply for a loan, have a big party, give some flowers to a Cancer, and volunteer to be Designated Driver at New Year. Someone has to do it. Rent a bus and be a pal to all your friends.