liquor

ASTROLIQUOR for Dec. 16-22: What the stars say you should drink

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

This week sucks for you, Aries, but you’ll have to accept the mantle of Designated Driver. Even when you go out with friends who promise to be DD, they will let you down. So it’s fruit juice for you when you’re out, but make sure you have a nice bottle of wine for yourself when you’ve discharged your driving duties.

Taurus, your relationships with people are going to take a beating this week. Don’t hit the unfriend button yet; they’re only being temporary douchebags. For now, stay away from people and drink alone. You can do a lot of things with Skyy melon vodka, and there’s more left for you if you take the antisocial road. Try mixing it with 7-Up, sweet-and-sour mix, and a squeeze of lemon.

You had money coming a couple of weeks ago, but now you’ve spent it and things are a bit worrisome, Gemini. You’re going to be bumming drinks until the end of February. Stretch your vodka and gin by adding juice, crushed ice, sugar—whatever gives you more sipping time. It’s a drag to be busted, so make sure you don’t buy anything more expensive than Smirnoff.

Cancer, you’ve been ignoring your family and your ass is spreading all over your chair from spending 12 hours a day on the Internet. Try getting so drunk that you can’t read anything at all. It’ll be refreshing for you, and nice for your family to see you reeling around again. The best shortcut to inebriation: Southern Comfort with a touch of tonic and lime.

Stop rushing around, Leo, it’s stressing you out and it’s not very efficient in the end. The world will go on whether you are sober or drunk, so get plastered with a case of beer.

If you planned your days better, Virgo, you’d have more “you” time. Haha, just kidding, you have lots of “you” time. I see you spending it with a bottle of Bacardi 151 and some tabasco.

You often wait for people to call or email you, Libra, but it’s time for you to take some initiative. Find some people at the supermarket and invite them over. Make them Bailey’s-and-rum shots. If they ask you who the hell you are, invite them to rub lotion on you.

You’ll hear from an old friend you’ve been out of touch with, Scorpio. This easy-to-please pal will forget any ways you’ve been a jerk and happily go to work mixing drinks with you. But let’s face it, it’s awkward falling back into conversation with old friends, so you should fast-track getting wasted. Here’s a delightful recipe that will occupy you both so those uncomfortable silences don’t intrude on your reunion.

  • 3 oz gin
  • 1.5 oz Southern Comfort
  • 1 oz lemon liqueur
  • 1 oz peach liqueur
  • 1 oz lemon juice
  • 1 oz simple syrup
  • 1 oz peach juice (where the hell do you get that? ask your friend to bring it)

Sagittarius, it’s time to paint the house, literally. You have to choose your colors wisely, though, so make your trip to Benjamin Moore before you throw this wicked recipe together:

  • 3 oz tequila
  • 2 oz Malibu
  • 2 oz mango-flavored vodka
  • 2 oz pineapple liqueur
  • 1 oz Grand Marnier
  • Hawaiian Punch to taste (I’m using “none”)

Another good reason to do your paint shopping first: you don’t want to be an asshole and drive after consuming this.

Take the plunge this week, Capricorn. Regardless of what it is, go big or go home. Plug in appliances without reading the manual; book a vacation without reading the fine print; and make awesome drinks like this one:

  • 1 oz sloe gin
  • 1 oz advocaat
  • 1 oz cherry brandy

Layer all three kinds of booze into shot glasses. He who hesitates is lost—pound them.

It’s not a good week for you to go outside, Aquarius, because the stars are predicting your bike will get stolen or wrecked. Obviously transportation and drinking don’t mix, so you’ll wisely stay home to drown your sorrows. Here’s your beverage:

  • Equal parts gin, vodka, pineapple juice and orange soda
  • Splash of grenadine and a brandy to taste

After you’ve had six or so, someone important will phone you—probably offering you a coveted job or opportunity. You’ll be too shitfaced to articulate an answer.

Pisces, just because you don’t have money, you shouldn’t stop spending. Every drink bought for an acquaintance is a chance at networking. Pretty soon you’ll be out of the job you hate and into one of those cushy (mythical?)  liquid-lunch office jobs. Stick with vodka so the odor doesn’t betray how loaded you are.

BROKER’S GIN—PART 3!

My Fellow Inebriates,

I’m delighted to tell you that things are back on with Julia Gale of BROKER’S GIN.

What things, you ask?

Well, for one thing we’re discussing how to get this elysian potion back into British Columbia, my home province. (You may have noticed some distance between us following Julia’s suggestion that I shop cross-border for BROKER’S GIN, a terrifying prospect for reasons I can’t fully elucidate. Perhaps I even mentioned a shift in my affections. Drunken madness!) Julia reassured me today that she is in my corner.

But first, the problem. It’s hard for a bear to drive to the United States. Even if I could (a) get sober to drive and (b) drive, the border guards present some very daunting obstacles:

  1. They insist on a passport with a smile-free photo so their facial-cognition software can work its mojo. Did I mention excess facial hair interferes with that? For me it’s always Movember.
  2. They like to fingerprint travelers. I don’t actually have fingers; my paws are more like little nubs.
  3. No searchable cavity here, peeps! Just a suspicious beanbag texture. What’s in there? they would surely want to know.

So the border’s a no-go. I was distraught to think Julia had left me with an unviable option, and may have said some dismissive things elsewhere on this site. But I was very wrong to do so. Julia told me today that BROKER’S GIN owner/director team Andy Dawson and Martin Dawson will be flying to BC in the New Year to fix things.

This is tremendous news, although I can’t fathom why they’d leave an asset like Julia at home. I am still basking in her warmth and concern for my liquor inventory; she is the most exceptional business development manager I’ve ever corresponded with. This is what I told her:

Very nice to hear Andy and Martin are visiting BC. Why are you not joining them? It sounds like a bit of a sausage fest, just the three of us boys getting drunk together and laughing at each other’s hats.

BROKER’S GIN seems almost within reach. Do I dare to hope?

ASTROLIQUOR for Dec. 9-15

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, you are feeling flush. You have lots of time to get drunk, but remember to leave your car at home, because wherever you go, there will be a breathalyzer test near you. This is important, because Aries people sometimes think they can get away with all kinds of shit. You wouldn’t think that, would you? Try something cool and different: Shochu for you.

Taurus, the stars are telling you to be a lazy douche this week. If that sounds like you, then find someone else to make new and exciting drinks for you—someone with patience…someone who can make buttered rum from scratch. You have to be nice to this person though, or the deal’s off.

Your emotions are a roller coaster, Gemini. People think you’re a meth-head; you’re so manic you can’t sit down. What you need is a project: Malibu jello shots. Find some peach or passionfruit Jell-O and substitute Malibu for one of the cups of water. You’ll have to wait for it to set a bit, but you can use this time to drain the Malibu bottle.

You have formidable emotions to harness this week, Cancer. Your mission is to subdue your inner crybaby and get happy. Try meeting new people who don’t know anything about you. With new people you have a clean slate—they won’t get so angry when you barf white rum all over them.

You’ve been too mature lately, Leo, so it’s time to get silly. You should mix a ridiculous cocktail and take it to work. I’m thinking vodka, creme de bananes, and amaretto. If people ask you why the spreadsheet isn’t adding up, moon them.

The universe is trying to create peace in your life, Virgo, but it can’t because you’re always trying to take charge. Ease up with a beach-style drink: equal parts watermelon schnapps, blue curacao, and triple sec. You’ve been too controlling, so you need to drink this until you lose all control.

Libra, whatever negativity you’ve been hanging on to, you need to let go of it now! It’s time to be positive and live in the moment. Whip up some pink lemonade with some Canadian Club, ice, and a little water; add Cool Whip and froth it up some more. Make yourself a Cool Whip beard.

Scorpio, later in the week you’ll need to be careful with facts and figures, but for now it’s playtime—equal parts Tia Maria and rum, shaken with pineapple juice and ice. Although I always recommend taking mixtures like this outside in a flask, this is a bad week for it. People will mess with you and put you on the wrong bus unconscious, so you should hang in.

Sagittarius, you mustn’t trust your own judgment this week. Let others tell you what to do. I’m going to start by recommending this crazy Root Beer Float. Look into my eyes! Do it! Combine Smirnoff, Cuervo, Galliano, Kahlua, cream, and Coca-Cola! What the hell this has to do with root beer I don’t know, but the cops will be taking a full report after your revved-up evening.

You’re in for an insane week, Capricorn. You’ll barely be able to duck when things get thrown at you (and you know how helpful alcohol is with agility). But it really is hopeless, so drink up anyway, and start early. Coffee’s pretty boring without Kahlua and creme de cacao in it.

Your powers are returning to you, Aquarius, and you are both magnetic and intimidating. Others will watch your exploits with admiration—in fact, you’ve never been so influential. Therefore this is the only week, perhaps, that you can get away with drinking Jagermeister and Southern Comfort openly at work. YEAH! Mix it up with some tonic. Your coworkers will be fawning over you.

Pisces, you need to speak up when people do you wrong. Sometimes that’s hard, but a little alcohol might loosen you up enough to express yourself. This week calls for sweet, soothing concoctions. Here’s an idea:

  • 1 oz Irish cream
  • 1 oz Kahlua
  • 2 oz Frangelico
  • 1 oz cream
  • 1 oz vodka
  • 1/3 cup peanut butter

Got a big martini shaker? Shake this like crazy with ice so it doesn’t come out chunky. A lot of ingredients, eh? How will you find them all in jail?