liquor

UFO? Or schnapps? Only your anus knows for sure

My Fellow Inebriates,

My friend Violet Purplebunny told me one of her friends posted a Facebook status update about UFOs over Taos, New Mexico. This got me wondering why we don’t hear very often about aliens visiting southwest British Columbia.

Or do we?

It’s overcast here most days, with measurable precipitation a fur-wetting 50% of the time and what seems like perpetual cloud cover. This makes many Lower Mainlanders depressed and pessimistic, but not my dad—he bought a telescope. And not some dinky little spyglass thing—a big R2D2-like thing with GPS and the works. So now we don’t just get to see clouds—we get to see them very close-up.

Still, there are some clear nights when reports come streaming in to whoever will record them that UFOs are here.

28-Dec-2011, Abbotsford, BC

I was driving on the highway with my sister when I saw to my right a bright, white round light with kinda a less bright light around it and it just shot into the sky unlike anything Ive seen before! It travelled a great distant in a second and It just disappeared!!!!! I asked my sister if she saw it but she didn’t. Im never going to forget it.

Blackie in a sober moment

This totally freaks me out. The last time I saw a round light like this I was partying in the woods with my buddy Blackie Bear. We had a whole bunch of Kriek and a weird blue bottle of mescale. When we mixed them it tasted pretty foul, so we added orange juice. Shortly after I saw a peculiar round light; it whipped around and vanished. Unlike the sister in the report above, Blackie also saw the light. AND something even stranger happened to him—he lost his apostrophes. I don’t know how, but suddenly he was saying things like “Ive” and “Im” and, OMG, I could hear that they didn’t contain any apostrophes. And when I asked him about my speech, he said my apostrophes were gone too—he couldn’t hear them at all. Holy crap!

I don’t want to sound mean, but I hope the guy who made this report wasn’t the one doing the driving—I hope it was his sister and that, in addition to not seeing the strange light, she retained the ability to form grammatical contractions as she drove the two of them safely past the Abbotsford airport.

21-Dec-2011, Coquitlam, BC

…my adult daughter was having a cigarette when she looked up at the sky and saw 2 pulsating red lights. The lights moved strangely…became 5 lights…faded away until there were only 2 lights left…continued to dart around until they merged into one and disappeared.

When Blackie drinks absinthe he looks more like this.

I’ve never started smoking because I’m terrified of catching fire and because my mum would throw me in the washing machine every day. But I’ve certainly seen stuff like this. One day Blackie and I decided to mix absinthe with Jack Daniel’s. The key is to pour the absinthe first, then let the JD settle on top. Blackie had never tried absinthe before, but it appealed to him because he has some writing aspirations and associated it with Hemingway. You have to knock this mixture back with lightning speed or it will come back up and stain your fur. After a few of these, Blackie lost his apostrophes and stomach control. I saw spots for quite a while, and they did dart around in strange configurations.

22-Dec-2011, Kamloops, BC

“noticed a bright orb-like object in the sky with strobing colors…. Blue, red, white…. It moved very slowly, possibly at the same rate as the earth was turning. I took a couple of video but all I had was my Android phone so the quality is very poor and I chose to watch it with my eyes mostly.”

The video link doesn’t work, which makes me wonder if the Android people used their muscle to have it removed from the web. It’s pretty damning for them if people claim their phones can’t capture UFO images properly, right? I like this witness’s resourceful choice to use the eyes (mostly) to watch the phenomenon. We do this from our balcony all the time because we can’t be bothered to set up the R2D2-like telescope. Those geosynchronous UFOs are especially tricky because they seem pretty boring until you finish a punchbowl full of Stoli and Malibu. Then they get much more lively and they even start strobing.

"Drop your pants"

17-Dec-2011, North Delta, BC

I have been seeing greenish dots (objects) high in the sky…a single object was surrounded like a cluster by approximately 5-10 identical green objects. It looked as though the centre one either controlled the outside ones or it was being contained by them….

These objects appear to be 3-5 times higher than the moon. I’m talking outer space where satellites are.

I would give my ass fur to be able to make a visual calculation of an object’s distance from earth—but 3-5 times lunar distance isn’t quite where the satellites are, buddy. The very highest satellites fly at an altitude of 22,000 miles—a tenth the way to the moon at perigee (closest approach). If those choreographed lights were that far away, well, they must have been some big-ass lights.

Did you get probed while you were unconscious? Only your anus knows for sure.

I asked Violet Purplebunny what she thought about all this, and she said it sounded like a case of “too much DeKuyper Hot Damn.” I say she’s partially right—a big dose of cinnamon schnapps could certainly induce a mental light-show. But she’s partially wrong—there’s no such thing as too much.

ASTROLIQUOR for Jan. 6-12—what the stars say you should drink

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You have a lot of personal problems, Aries, but the outside world is even more messed up, which should give you some perspective. Distract yourself by redecorating your house. You’ll get the most interesting results if you do this drunk (but please, no power tools). This drink should inspire you:

  • 3 oz banana schnapps
  • 1 oz peach schnapps
  • 1 oz strawberry schnapps
  • Splash orange juice
  • Splash grenadine

Mix the first three, then add the last two. This might not be enough alcohol, in which case try doubling the recipe.

Taurus, you’ve often been the designated driver lately, a fact you’re starting to resent. If you can’t foist this duty off on somebody else (somebody responsible), stay home and drink Tequila Rose. Sometimes it’s best to drink alone, especially when you’re feeling taken advantage of.

Charities have started hitting you up for money, Gemini. That’s okay, as long as you believe in their goals. But if you find yourself short on drinking money, you might want to help out in non-financial ways, such as letting a drug addict stay at your house or stripping for the elderly. If altruism is wearing you out, relax with a hard-hitting drink—maybe some Bacardi 151 mixed with amaretto and Bailey’s.

You could do with some excitement, Cancer. Sometimes you need to force the issue and seek out uncomfortable situations. The best way to do this is in a drunken state so your judgment can’t impede any potential thrills. Look for weird people to hang out with; they’re often very accepting, and they might enjoy an exotic drink or two. Here’s a start:

  • 2 oz creme de cassis
  • Splash lime cordial
  • 4 oz Absolut Kurant
  • Splash raspberry juice
  • 1 cup lemonade (or none if you prefer)

Make a slushy in your blender. Everybody likes slushies, and they’ll like you for making them one.

Friday is a big day for your love life, Leo, which means you should probably have a bath. Get ready to impress—this person could be your soul mate, which calls for a special drink. Shake copious but equal amounts of vodka, maple liqueur, Irish cream, creme de cacao, white chocolate liqueur, dark chocolate liqueur together with ice. Add half-and-half cream to taste. This is a great drink to share in bed, but if you make a habit of it you’ll need to be airlifted out of bed one day like those people on Maury Povich.

I see a fling with an exciting foreigner for you, Virgo, but don’t pin any long-term hope on this hook-up. Just enjoy his/her eclectic drink tastes and expand your horizons. Just for sport, try mixing Bailey’s, sambuca and rootbeer. Wow! See who can drink the most of this unusual beverage. Just when you’re pissed to the point where you can’t speak, a valued old friend will call to report being cured of an incurable disease. Magic! Is it true or is it a hallucination?

Libra, one of your friends is really choked at you over something you didn’t actually do. This sucks, because it’s draining energy from what was once a valuable friendship. You need to work it out, and what better facilitator is there than alcohol? Start innocently with chocolate milk, then add some brandy to it. Before long you’ll be either swinging at each other or trading back rubs.

Do you plan to be an organ donor, Scorpio? Let’s hope not, because that liver is getting pickled. Best to enjoy the ride on planet earth, which means drinking all the Drambuie and Kahlua you want. You’re getting the urge to color your hair—go for it! The crazier the better. There will be one dissenter among your friends who feels the need to criticize it. Don’t give this person any Drambuie or Kahlua; he/she won’t appreciate it.

Sagittarius, relationships and chance meetings are featured this week. You’ll be bumping into people everywhere, and at least one of them will be into you. Whether this develops into something serious will depend on your particular level of flakiness. Regardless, alcohol will help you out of those clothes. I see a Malibu/vodka bender with some Frangelico for extra panache.

An acquaintance is jealous of you, Capricorn. This is very upsetting and threatens your relationship, whether it be work-related or personal. Try not to stew about it. Loosen up with a happy drink, such as Midori melon liqueur with apple juice and gingerale. Don’t overdo it, though, and make sure you stow the car keys away. This week calls for caution around anything with moving parts—especially if your jealous friend is at the controls. I know, I know, that’s really creepy, but it was in the stars.

Ditch the pastel shades, Aquarius, and go after the vivid life you deserve. Get rid of anything bland, including boring wardrobe items. Now’s the time to step outside your comfort zone. Go ahead, embarrass yourself a little. Find one of those People of Walmart to give you fashion inspiration. Those people are numerous and happy to exhibit their special ideas. Reward them with Bailey’s and butterscotch shots. If they barf on your carpet, well, doesn’t that just make your life more colorful?

Pisces, you’re getting a lot of appeals for help lately. Maybe you’re in social work; maybe you just don’t look very busy. Let the supplicants know you’ll only help for a little while—i.e., until you’re too drunk to care about them. The easiest way to abbreviate your charity work is to drink constantly. But be careful… One of the people bugging you is secretly in love with you. Expect an unusual gift—some Jagermeister or Goldschlager, for example, along with an invitation to share. Watch out for over-sharing, though! This person has chlamydia.

Monetize this!

My Fellow Inebriates,

One of the best things about being a bear is that I don’t have to get a job. There’s probably nothing more stressful in the modern world than figuring out how to fit into the workforce. If you don’t find a niche, you flagellate yourself for being broke and unproductive, even if your kick-ass Bejeweled scores buoy your self-esteem somewhat. If somebody does hire you, you go into ass-kissing mode, trying to keep that precious money drip going, even as you turn into a robot.

So I really enjoy being an unemployable bear.

But it’s not perfect. My parents don’t purchase nearly enough alcohol, which suggests the need for an income uptick.

Monetize that!

I mentioned this to my mum, who shooed me away because the gems were mega-exploding and she needed to concentrate. Telling her we have a vodka emergency is like pissing in the wind. And my dad doesn’t even believe such a crisis is real.

When I pestered my mum (her word), she suggested I stop using my site to pine for alcohol and make some effort to monetize it. Seriously!

This sounded a bit too close to “work” for my tastes, but she pointed to the string of emails about “growing your blog” (which, hypocritically, she had subscribed to despite huge reservations about the misuse of the intransitive word “grow”). She said perhaps I should check out my stats a bit and take some interest in that stuff.

"There are lies, damned lies and statistics." - Mark Twain

I said I do look at my stats—that’s how I know someone googled “shit bear gay” and found me this morning. I said I planned to address that very subject, but I needed to clear my head with some shooters first. Then I needed to look at the People of Walmart. Then it would be naptime.

I need cachaca.

But she barred me from the computer. She was busy reading Tentblogger, Copyblogger and Problogger, not to mention some Canada Customs information that might explain why my Cachaca hasn’t arrived via UPS yet.

Sigh. Do you guys pay attention to this monetizing stuff?