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ASTROLIQUOR for January 4-10 (2013!)—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, someone—probably a Cancer—will move away without telling you. You’ll clue in after they’ve gone, then spend a week halfheartedly stalking them on the Internet. Thing is, your life is better with this person out of it. Work’s more productive, and even when it’s not, your Alt/Tab reflexes are at their best. Forget about that Cancer! Here’s how: Find four kinds of schnapps and mix them in equal parts, then match what you’ve got with tequila. Oblivion!

Taurus, your memory dropouts will come back to haunt you this week when an old friend reappears—and you can’t remember who the hell the person is. Do your best to recall; this is an interesting friend who can help you professionally. I see you two staying up all night drinking Red Bull with raspberry vodka—all before you have a clue what this person’s name is. Good times.

You have a nutty way of looking at the world, Gemini, and much of the time people don’t “get” you. This week, however, the stars forecast understanding and communication, so do whatever you want; no one will judge you. On Saturday you’ll party with an elderly person. Make sure you telephone later; this person doesn’t have Internet (OMG!). Here’s your party mix:

  • 3 oz rum
  • 3 oz chocolate liqueur
  • 3 oz Irish cream
  • 1 oz milk

Cancer, don’t grumble about your misfortunes. Load up on peach schnapps and confront the person causing them. Guaranteed it’s a Capricorn or a Virgo. If you think this will end badly, you may be surprised. This person has wisdom you don’t even know about. Saturday’s the best day to pick up another Cancer. Try the Walmart section where they sell mesh underwear bags.

Leo, there’s a Pisces you’d love to get naked with, but only if they’ll promise not to talk. Not a good start, but if your junk has its way you’ll end up pursuing this not-very-satisfying relationship. Distract yourself with professional activities. This should remove you from temptation, unless of course you’re in the world’s oldest profession. Your drink?

  • 2 oz vodka
  • 1 oz creme de noyaux
  • 1 oz cherry brandy
  • Cream to taste (I say none)

Virgo, you get the urge to take on extra work, but be careful. Your douchebag colleagues are only too glad to offload their projects. Only do what really interests you. Fact is, you don’t really have to work at all. On Monday you’ll probably win the lottery, and then you can tell everybody to shove it. That’s the day you arrive in a Ferrari and a Starbucks laced with 80-proof rum. You deserve it, you hard worker.

Libra, you’ll replace some of your boring friends with new people this week. As a Libra you won’t feel fickle for doing this; the stars ordain that you should jettison old friends for fascinating new ones. The result will be scintillating conversations and financial opportunities, mondo creativity, and the worst freaking hangover you ever endured. That’s what happens when fascinating new people fill your bathtub with blackberry schnapps and creme de cacao.

Are you feeling gloomy, Scorpio? The stars call for happy orange drinks with lashings of Grand Marnier and orange Curacao. Get sufficiently lit up on this sunny combo and take a beachside walk. You’ll meet a nudist enjoying the bracing January day, and the two of you will enjoy a unique romance throughout January and February.

Sagittarius, you don’t like asking for help, although you often take advantage of family members. This week you’ll need to muster the courage to seek help from a colleague—a nasty bugger who’s always nitpicking your work and busting you for being on Facebook. Loosen this dickhead up with a flask of vodka and Jagermeister—or better yet, save it for yourself.

You’ve grown emotionally, Capricorn, and this ramps up your social appeal. Which will you choose to get naked with—Virgo or Scorpio? And if that’s not the sign of your existing partner, get ready for some turbulence, ’cause the stars say you’re doing this thing. No doubt gin martinis will play a role, but don’t have too many. You need to get up early to visit garage sales. There’s a priceless antique waiting for you to find it.

Aquarius, you feel happy and clever, having solved a challenging intellectual problem. What a brainiac! In fact, you might have too many brain cells. Give them some rum. Once you dumb yourself down you’ll have a vapid flirtation with a neighbor following a ridiculous conversation about lawn fertilizer. Your brain cells will be terribly conflicted, but your naughty bits will like it.

Pisces, there are all sorts of hidden meanings in your mail. Read it carefully! Add up the vowels and consonants; see if there’s a code. You know this isn’t paranoid; there are people out there (mostly Cancers) dedicated to messing with your head. Don’t worry, though, most of them are harmless. The other ones you can invite over for an Everclear party. They need Everclear because it can stop their synapses from making wacky connections between random bits of information. Remember to go outside at least once this week.

ASTROLIQUOR for December 28 to January 3—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, your finances are good and fucked. You spent a ton of money this holiday season, and you haven’t slowed down. If you don’t get yourself under control, you’ll be crying for months. Start by eliminating solid food. It costs a lot of money. Next, stop buying Skyy and Grey Goose. Stick with rotgut vodka until your bank balance looks up. Good luck!

Taurus, you’ll finish an important project this week. Don’t be shy to brag! Modesty will get you nowhere, and if you start muttering about how “it was nothing,” people will think you’re a douche. An Aquarius will ask you to be Designated Driver at New Year. Consider it a compliment, and graciously accept. Stay away from lottery kiosks, fruit, depilatories, and Kool-Aid.

That person you met in June is starting to annoy you, Gemini. As your relationship falls apart, another person steps in to console you. Don’t misread this as poaching; your new friend isn’t into you at all, and really just wants to mooch your Jack Daniel’s. The next few months will be frivolous and shallow, just the way you like.

Cancer, you’re in for a harmonious week. Communication is excellent with partners and friends; work is productive; your ideas are irresistible; and the stars aren’t calling for any bar fights. You have the boss’s ear at work, so speak up about what you want. (Leave the flask of Absolut at home.) A Pisces might give you flowers.

Leo, there’s a creepy Sagittarius hanging around. Stay sober around this weirdo. You can, however, get loaded with Aquarians. You’ll experience wild mood swings as you party with them, however; everyone knows Aquarians are constantly lit up on vodka and vermouth, and they tend to lurch drunkenly into other people’s horoscopes.

Virgo, you’re being goaded by Aries and Aquarius types. They want you to mix up a great big batch of this:

  • 1 cup vodka
  • 2 cups white wine
  • 2 cups lager
  • 1 cup blackcurrant liqueur

Hurry up and mix it, because a Pisces is going to try to talk you out of it.

Libra, take the week off work and consume nothing but vodka, gin, light rum, tequila, and Blue Curacao. Friends will drop in unexpectedly; when they see what you’re mixing, they’ll stay. This means that if you’re wearing a thong, you should put some pants on over it, just to be polite. February looks good for love, and you don’t want to scare anyone off.

You had some troubles in October, Scorpio, but things are looking better. Continue to avoid conflict, and chill out if colleagues are being lazy at work. Everything is going to improve in January, although the voices in your head might get louder. They’re asking for Grand Marnier with coffee and chocolate sprinkles.

Sagittarius, you’re entering an extra-happy phase. Only do those things you feel like doing. Make some artwork, play games, and speak your mind. A Cancer figures prominently…a crazy drinking buddy on a scale you haven’t experienced before. Who on earth would frappé red wine, Coke, tequila, bananas, raisins, and champagne? You might, this week.

Remy Martin and Mountain Dew, Capricorn—that’s what this week has in store for you, along with family cuddles, and one or two late (and weird) Christmas gifts. You are very precise at Sudoku and crosswords, even while gooned. This is very special indeed, but don’t be tempted to think your driving will be similarly enhanced this week. No car keys for you!

Aquarius, you wander in and out of a lot of other astrological signs’ lives this week, mostly being a nuisance, but also inspiring them to break out the Bacardi. Try not to panhandle outside the liquor store; better opportunities are coming up in January. Watch out for Scorpios; one of them wants to take you to an Anthony Robbins seminar.

Pisces, get ready for a week of sexy talk, or at least some graphic descriptions of potentially sexy things. What that means the stars won’t be specific about; we all know how stupid the stars are and that if we’re being honest they are just massive balls of gas exploding in space. If you listen to them, they say: apply for a loan, have a big party, give some flowers to a Cancer, and volunteer to be Designated Driver at New Year. Someone has to do it. Rent a bus and be a pal to all your friends.

ASTROLIQUOR for Dec. 14-20—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, no more griping about lack of attention—all eyes are on you this week. You’ll meet tons of new friends, all of whom you’ll wear out within the week. Two romantic prospects will come and go, scared off by your morning vodka-and-watermelon-schnapps habit. From there the week will become considerably more sordid. Enjoy!

Taurus, it’s time to broadcast your worth. Your brain cells are pulling together this week, and you can best anyone in a debate. Throw off last week’s introversion and start a verbal brawl. Take your newfound aggression to work; coworkers will be stunned when you refuse to deal with your piles (whether paperwork or hemorrhoidal). If shyness is an initial barrier, that’s why they make Southern Comfort.

Love is in your stars this week, Gemini, so make sure you strut your thong-wearing self. Take your red-hot charisma to Walmart, meet new people, and trade fashion tips. When you’re riding high (and your pants are riding low), it’s safe to go to work with a headful of Blue Curacao, Midori melon liqueur, Malibu, and Captain Morgan. All will be forgiven!

Cancer, be cautious with romance this week. There are weird people out there, and you are just one of them. There are no “best” days for hitting on strangers, so put your focus on holiday planning or decorating, or just mix up a big jug of vodka, bourbon, and peach schnapps that you can pound at home.

Leo, the stars call for sexual turbulence (interpret that as you will) but not necessarily a solid romance. One hook-up in particular will leave you tingling for an unexpectedly long time—perhaps until mid-January. Is it love? Or does that tingle come courtesy of combining rum with Red Bull? Nope. That tingle will need antibiotics.

Although as a Virgo you’re known for acting very deliberately, this week you’ll be seized by bizarre compulsions. Lost for an explanation of your own behavior, you thrash between nature and nurture. Did your upbringing mess you up? Or is your brain misfiring? Or is a breakfast of Kahlua, creme de bananes, and Bailey’s to blame? Phone your parents and ask if you’re adopted.

Libra, you’ll slough off old habits this week and embrace new ways of thinking. This will affect your personal and professional activities and launch you into new opportunities. You’d be surprised how impressed your boss will be when you quit mixing Captain Morgan and Dr. Pepper at work. It’s hard to say how long this positive upswing will last, so don’t spend too much money. You’re on your boss’s radar now, and if you lapse, you might end up putting your stuff in a cardboard box.

Is your interest in other people genuine, Scorpio? Admit it! You are bored with people! You want to hole up at home and experiment with gin. Taking a break from socializing will replenish your energy and eventually renew your appetite for the social scene. Have you ever put an egg, two limes, some sugar, and a big honking bottle of gin in the blender? This would be a worthy experiment. You could tell stories about it next week when you start enjoying human company again.

Sagittarius, the romance/sex dichotomy presents itself, and you decide to jettison the former. (OMG, who saw that coming?) Good week for it too—you exude sensuality, but only for one week. Next week you will be nauseating! Don’t feel sad; it’s not innate—it’s what comes of slamming drink after drink of vodka, Midori, and Chambord, ralfing it all over the floor, and lying in it.

Professionalism takes a backseat, Capricorn, as you ramp up for holiday mode. Cut corners at work, fob projects off on colleagues, or just work on the Penske file. You’ll find everyone else is ready to be festive too. Go to the pub on the weekend and buy a round of gin cocktails. Charge it to your boss.

Aquarius, you have an emotional week on tap. One second you’ll be crying, the next laughing, the next freaking out and starting a bar fight. Settle down and write some poetry or arrange some flowers. You need to occupy yourself so you don’t end up with a black eye. Hollow out a pineapple and fill it with different kinds of schnapps.

Pisces, sober up or you’ll forget to play Secret Santa. Somebody will buy you a bottle of Mastika (how specific is that?…the stars are pretty much f#cking themselves on this prediction), and there you’ll be, looking like a douchebag, with nothing for your giftee. Even if you’re feeling cheap, a small item will do. What about some homemade moonshine? Or some flowers swiped from a neighbor’s yard?