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ASTROLIQUOR for June 1-7—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You can’t solve everything by yourself, Aries, especially while on a bender involving rum and apricot brandy. Ask a friend to help, not to mention share the booze, which should keep you alert enough to deal with your mounting email. There’s an important message in it, so clear your head a little if you want to find it. Avoid public transit this week at all costs! (And since you’ll be too drunk to drive, that means stay home.)

Taurus, the urge to see an old Capricorn friend consumes you this week—someone who used to excite you but has degenerated into a tequila-soaked lush. You can still enjoy a satisfying friendship even if the sparks are gone. Don’t fall into this friend’s habits, though, or you’ll be lying outside the liquor store all day keening to yourself.

You’re stuck working on a project with an annoying coworker, Gemini, and the urge to vent your anger could inflame the situation. But don’t vent it at innocent bystanders! Everyone will notice your maturity if you take the high road. What you need is some coconut rum to take the edge off. There’s no problem that can’t be solved with Captain Morgan.

Traffic will challenge you more than usual this week Cancer, especially if you deviate from your normal route or routine. In fact, all change is bad this week; even at work you should stay in a low-profile rut where you can’t be singled out for new responsibilities. If you can manage to stay invisible, all threats will pass. So take the bus, work quietly on the Penske file, and put nice, clear, odorless vodka in your flask. No fruity craziness until next week! Oh yeah, and, get a handle on your electronics so they don’t start beeping at 4:00am.

Leo, think about inviting friends and family over to your home for a nice dinner. They tend to picture you in filthy underwear, swilling rum from a styrofoam cup, so they’ll be surprised and delighted that you’re capable of hosting a civilized social occasion. It’ll be good for you too, if only because it inspires you to wash those skivvies.

Someone from your past gets in touch, Virgo. How exciting! You thought this person was just a one-off, sordid one-night stand in a squalid motel, and here he/she is wanting to hang out. You should definitely find out more about this person. What’s his/her star sign? Do you both love vodka with madeira and cherry brandy? Does your friend have chlamydia? By June you’ll have at least one of the answers.

Libra, usually you’re difficult to prank, but work-related distractions make you an easy mark for mischievous colleagues this week. If you let them frustrate you, tempers will flare up and a fight will ensue, drawing unwanted attention from higher-ups. You have a sweet thing going at work with your vodka flask. Don’t wreck it!

Keep an eye on your health this week, Scorpio. The stars are looking vicious—don’t let them punish you for all those apple martinis. Baby yourself a bit. Dress properly instead of putting yourself at the mercy of the elements. Walk slowly and pay attention to those around you—no one is attractive enough to warrant extra risks right now. This week is all about stasis.

Sagittarius, you’ll pass a test this week, but only with the help of an Aries. Of all the star signs, you’re the best at picking people up, so hit the neighborhood pub and start asking “What’s your sign?” Eventually you’ll find an intelligent Aries, but it might take a while, so pace yourself. No hard stuff (that means no Jell-O shots)… Stick to apple cider.

You have large, global concerns, Capricorn, which make everyone else’s day-to-day worries seem trivial by comparison. So consumed are you by world politics that you can’t stop lecturing, expounding from a bar stool while pickling yourself with pear vodka. You feel like a voice crying out in the wilderness, but make no mistake about it, people think you’re a douche. The best thing you can do is drink yourself past intelligibility so your friends don’t have to listen.

Aquarius, you’re all about superficial relationships lately, but one of your new friends is going to stick around longer than expected. In August you’ll realize you’re smitten—not just romantically but in all respects: hobbies, business, politics, relentless vodka consumption… How the relationship develops is up to you. The stars are very controlling but you can still steer this thing.

Pisces, the urge to socialize is strong with you this week, but so is the urge to lie compulsively! You tell people all kinds of shit, sometimes contradicting yourself and setting yourself up for trouble. It’s very hard to conduct yourself this way when you start tossing Kahlua into your coffee at 6:00am and progress from there. Just wait till a handful of friends get into a room together and compare stories.

ASTROLIQUOR for May 25-31—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You find yourself reminiscing about January/February, Aries, even though you lolloped through them in a Crown Royal haze. But don’t fixate on the past—June promises just as much drunkenness, although it will feature more sickly liqueurs and vomiting. During one of your lucid moments an old flame will appear and stir up old feelings. Tell your partner or spouse about this person; maybe you can swing a threesome.

Taurus, your life is seeming monotonous right now, and in an effort to generate some novelty you’re showing previously private facets of yourself in public. People like the new you(s) much better than the old you, so maybe you should bury your old self. Maintaining your newfound inhibition is easy with a constant alcohol drip. But make it exciting—Aftershock hot & cool cinnamon schnapps for you.

What the hell is going on with the stars, Gemini, to foster such boring thoughts? You’re thinking investments, pension plans, insurance. Yikes, do you ever need a drink…In fact, you need a silly drink:

  • 2 oz banana schnapps
  • 2 oz Malibu
  • 2 oz rum
  • 6 oz orange juice
  • 4 oz pineapple juice
  • 1/2 cup Tang powder

Down that and see how responsible you feel.

You went nuts spending in February/March, Cancer, but you’re regaining control. By June you’ll breathe some relief, but don’t get complacent—July will be expensive. You won’t see it coming, but it will flatten you! Sure, this really sucks and the stars can be a bitch, but you can still drink Scotch. Just choose a cheaper blended whiskey and you’re good to go.

Leo, your family and friends are enjoying your company these days. You’re so sunny and happy; you brighten their days, even if you’re too pissed to remember your thoughts and actions afterward. Try not to be too generous; you mustn’t spend every single penny on others. You can’t have a well-stocked bar without some money. (Do you have a supply of white rum and Blue Curacao? Daiquiri mix?) Stay happy because your hormones are going to go crazy next week.

This week presents an opportunity to oust a thorn from your side, Virgo, albeit diplomatically. No more taking shit! You have the social skills to jettison negative people without jeopardizing your work situation—do it. If you need some liquid courage, try a vodka/Tang combo. That’s what the astronauts took to the moon with them. (Or was it the television sound stage?)

Libra, as a natural conversationalist you are the recipient of all sorts of unexpected info from friends, neighbors, fellow parents…you name it. People are telling you the freakiest shit. It may be interesting for a while, but make sure you know when to call the police. Also, know when it’s okay not to call the police (if the animal comes back for more, for instance). Still, it’s an information overload. You’ll need some gin to soften the edges.

Your intuition is bang-on this week, Scorpio. Deliberately ignore rational thought and go with your feelings. Fact is, you’ve been following this course for a while now and things are panning out. But where’s the alcohol in this picture? OMG, the stars are forecasting things like hot cocoa and Ovaltine! Holy crap, this is a crisis—you will have to trust your intuition and find some alcohol without guidance. Let me know what you pick. The stars are real assholes sometimes.

Sagittarius, there’s a financial windfall coming your way. You’ll be able to fix up your house or buy some furniture…or build a spanky new bar. Take some time to think about how to spend your new riches. Take a relaxing walk; stagger around the countryside with a wine bottle perhaps. If necessary, wait until November to pull the trigger on a home improvement project (or just spend the money now on liquor).

You’re feeling flirtatious, Capricorn. More plainly, you’re feeling horny. This is great if you’re in a loving relationship, but if things have been rocky for a while then…strap in for some drama, because your flirtation will involve a new person. Hate to tell you this, but the stars aren’t too optimistic about it. They’re calling for lashings of disillusionment and pear vodka.

Aquarius, this week looks good for contacting people. So take a shower, find some clean underwear, and go outside. You’re so hungry for human contact that every encounter seems rife with energy and importance; even the most superficial exchange carries golden meaning. That’s what comes of being perpetually hosed on tequila and triple sec. Invite some people over to share it.

Pisces, technical problems abound this week. Your phone, your computer, your sat receiver—if it has a microchip it will give you a shit time. Even your car will act up, which is a good reason to stow the keys until this bad star situation passes. With your car keys safely put away you can really misbehave. Why not make a really frivolous martini…vodka with Chambord, for instance? Just don’t shake it anywhere near your stereo or keyboard.

ENGLISH BAY PALE ALE—Good for frogs, bears, and wildlife in general

My Fellow Inebriates,

The kids went to Frog Search today, where they scooped tadpoles and salamanders out of a swampy pond, inspected them under microscopes, sorted them into categories, then sang a song to them as they released them back into the water.

What you lookin’ at?

I asked the frog who lives at LBHQ what he thinks of Frog Search.

He said something unintelligible.

I asked him again.

I think he said ribbit.

The frog who lives here doesn’t have a name. Despite being cuddly and soft he’s not, er, an A-list animal; the kids haven’t bothered naming him, nor do they notice what he’s up to.

Pollywogs who haven’t learned to cuss yet

I asked him again what he thought about dozens of kids plunging empty bowls into his habitat, capturing whatever was unlucky enough to whoosh into the bowls, and then bothering the organisms for several hours before chucking them back.

I thought he said ribbit again but when I queried more closely I realized he’d said motherfuckers. I know, the two words couldn’t be more easily distinguishable, but I was hammered, my fellow inebriates, and for all I know he said antidisestablishmentarianism.

Turns out he did say motherfuckers. He took pains to clarify for me: Goddamn motherfucking nature-walk assholes pluck my tads out of our fucking habitat—what the fuck do you think I think of it, you stupid bear?

So then I felt a little bad. I’d thought maybe it was a bit of an adventure for the ’poles—like the time I woke up with that skull-shaped vodka bottle and drank it all at once.

Did he realize, I asked—the kids sang a song to the tadpoles before tossing them (mostly underhand) into the pond?

The frog told me to go and beat off. (I know, right?! Holy shit, that’s what happens to animals who don’t get loved enough.) So I decided to split a GRANVILLE ISLAND ENGLISH BAY PALE ALE with him. Don’t ask how we managed to get it open; frogs are resourceful enough creatures that they can switch gender; opening a beer must be child’s play.

We used to buy ENGLISH BAY PALE ALE all the time until my mum decided she liked SLEEMAN HONEY BROWN LAGER better. The two beers share similar characteristics; both are highly accessible mass-market-yet-purportedly-micro-style beers that give consumers a bit more than the high-pitched metallic assault of a typical macro brew. They are, if anything, transitional beers that pave the road between craft and macro styles. More expensive, higher quality, but not precious, and not odd. Very mainstream.

I thought the frog would like our beer. It pours a lovely copper-amber on the slightly translucent side, with healthy white foam that dissipates fairly quickly. The aroma is earthy yet toffee-like, following through with a lovely malty, honeyed taste with lingering but mild hoppiness. With moderate carbonation and satisfying mouthfeel, ENGLISH BAY PALE ALE is generous and appealing, although it might not be interesting enough to have a session with. I didn’t want a session and the frog sure didn’t (he said it didn’t taste at all like flies and was therefore just okay). It did make him stop cussing, so it was good for me in two senses.