Kahlua

ASTROLIQUOR for August 31 to September 6—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Although bar fights are nothing strange to you, Aries, you can expect a rough one this week. You’ll beat the crap out a Libra, which will give you a sense of satisfaction, even though you’ll eventually have to apologize (possibly through some sort of restorative justice mechanism prescribed by court…OMG, what the hell are the stars saying you’re going to do to this Libra??) Is this what comes of combining tequila, rum, vodka, triple sec, gin, and Razzmatazz? Holy shit, Aries, I don’t like your stars this week.

Taurus, watch your diet this week. If you cut back on solid foods you can accommodate a big vat of eggnog. In fact, you should have an eggnog party on Sunday. You’ll need a bunch of egg yolks plus whole cream, some other stuff, and two cups of rum. Mmmmmm…totally worth skipping solids. In fact, if you really want to cut calories, leave out all the ingredients except the rum. That’s the best kind of eggnog.

You often listen without hearing, Gemini, but if you pay close attention to the stars, they’re telling you to layer equal parts of Kahlua, Bailey’s, and creme de cacao in a shot glass (or a tumbler), top with a splash of vodka, and ahhhhhhh! It won’t improve your listening abilities, especially if you opt for the tumbler, but it sure says “early weekend.”

Your persuasive powers peak this week, Cancer. Try not to be evil; you are very influential right now. 😉 Weirdly enough, the stars don’t recommend alcohol (because they’re worried about you being evil), but I trust you. So go ahead and mix up some tequila with milk. Stir (don’t shake) and slam it back, then have an orange wedge. This is all the evil you need.

Leo, someone’s crushing on you but you’re distracted and you totally miss it. It’s uncharacteristic for you to lose out on a mating opportunity, but if you pay attention, you’ll finally notice this interested Gemini. Maybe if you just lay off the cherry vodka for a while, you’ll notice all kinds of people and things. You might even remember to brush your teeth.

Try to avoid snap judgments about people this week, Virgo. Outward appearances aren’t trustworthy, and you’ve been fine-tuning your intuition for a while now, so dig a little deeper when you’re assessing someone. Meanwhile, others are assessing you. You’ve been going through a lot of mental changes lately, both positive (shedding cares about material wealth) and negative (waking up with the Jagermeister shakes). The stars suggest cutting the Jager with Red Bull (dumbass stars).

Libra, you’re feeling the weight of obligations, and noticing when others don’t step up to fulfill theirs. You have to know this makes you annoying and, depending how much you broadcast your resentment, maybe even a douche. Just don’t let the half-hearted performance of other people put you off achieving your own goals. If you must, screw other people and have a bottle of Tanqueray to yourself.

Determination is your key word this week, Scorpio. Whatever you set out to do, you can do it—even things you normally suck at. Now’s the time to ask for a raise or go after a better job. You are more powerful than Xenu this week (or at least Tom Cruise). Don’t let this special astrological power pass! Go after your heart’s desire, then celebrate with some Chambord.

Sagittarius, the hard times are ending, but not just yet. You can just see the clearing up ahead, so hang tough. Like a rotten parting shot, this bleak time will end with something in your house breaking. Don’t worry, it’s not critical; you can live without a vacuum cleaner or a dishwasher. So long as it’s not a bar shelf! OMG, it would suck if all your bottles crashed and broke. There you’d be in a puddle of glass shards and Southern Comfort, slurping your precious booze out of the carpet. (Make sure your bar shelf is secure!)

You go berserk for some art this week, Capricorn. Whatever it is—sculpture, sketch, painting—you must have it immediately. But be careful with your money; something in house house will break this week, and if you’ve spent all your funds on art, how will you pay for the repair? (And how will you maintain your tequila levels?)

Aquarius, you’ll meet a fascinating, sexually charged stranger this week, and after a couple of bourbons he/she will no longer be a stranger. In fact, you’ll discover all sort of mutual friends and interests. The more intimate you become, the more similarities will emerge. And just wait till you see each other’s photo albums. OMG! You’re related.

Pisces, you’ve got nothing going on this week. Nada. The stars used it all up on the other signs. This pisses you off, because you hoped for some action—an affair maybe, or a flirtation. Nope. Nothing. Just you by yourself. Lots of people like being by themselves. They pick up a book or watch a movie or call some friends. But you don’t feel like it, and the stars are laying on a walloping dose of self-pity. So you alternate shots of lime Bacardi with belts of Corona. (Sounds okay to me.)

ASTROLIQUOR for May 4-10—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, deep down you really want to fall in love. Luckily for you the stars are lining up to grant your wish. Sometime between now and June you’ll fall head over heels in a sickening, poetry-writing, gooey romance. Of course ouzo and vodka will be involved, but it’s still the real deal! So get ready to tell your spouse about it and lawyer up.

Taurus, although you’re good at putting friends and family to work, you have trouble accepting help from strangers. This week you have to go outside your comfort zone, however, and recruit a colleague for an important task. Although this person has historically been a dick to you, he/she can be loosened up with some Red Bull and rum. Don’t think of it as taking advantage—you’re building karma for your coworker, so pass the flask.

Those psychiatric sessions are paying off, Gemini, balancing your emotions and turning you into something of a charmer. On your habitual drunken early-bird visit to a garage sale you discover that both an Aries and an Aquarius are taken with you. What a lovely dilemma! Make sure you follow your heart—when your head is full of cognac and vodka it’s too easy to pick randomly.

You’re in good spirits this week, Cancer, having solved a few nagging mental problems and discovered unknown inner strengths. You’re learning not to compare yourself to others, and to appreciate Canadian Club even when your neighbor is reeling around his yard with Crown Royal. You’ll have a nice flirtation with someone this week, but I’d leave that neighbor alone.

Leo, look carefully at your text messages and emails this week. Every communique, no matter how terse, contains subtext. Understandably subtext gets lost when you’ve spent the day sipping from a jug of Bailey’s, Goldschlager, and creme de menthe, but try to pay attention. In particular a colleague may be seeking your approval. It’s just good politics to play along.

You have a thing for an Aries, Virgo, even though you don’t actually like this person. This bad situation gains unfortunate traction from an ever-present travel mug of amaretto-and-Bailey’s coffee that you replenish furtively from a makeshift bar under your cubicle desk. Perhaps you should get some air before you decide to visit the supply closet with your Aries friend. No car keys for you!

Libra, you’re contemplating a self-improvement program featuring long walks. Not only will this make your body fit; your brain will benefit as well. Pickled as you’ve been all winter, you should gain some clarity pretty fast! It’s a new dawn for you, being sober throughout the day, but don’t forget to reward yourself later with some Irish cream and butterscotch schnapps.

Fear and hope take turns swooping in on you this week, Scorpio. You don’t have the funds to bail you out if your current business plan goes pear-shaped, but what the hell—you’re used to living this way. Not too many people have the stomach to hang with you, and that’s not a bad thing. Gambling looks dangerous this week, so stay inside and mix something up:

  • 2 oz bourbon
  • 2 oz vodka
  • 2 oz Tia Maria
  • 2 oz grapefruit juice

Sagittarius, the world looks very pretty this week. Your positive energy is at a peak, so how about a joyful blender drink?

  • 3 oz peach schnapps
  • 3 oz raspberry liqueur
  • 3 oz Frangelico
  • 3 oz cream
  • 1.5 cups vanilla ice cream
  • 4 oz raspberry jam

Puree that business up and let it cool your brain. You may need a walk afterwards, but the world will still be pretty—just spinning too.

Impetuous you’re not, Capricorn—at least not usually, but there are some weird stars in your chart causing you to be extra-gregarious and generally unprofessional. For instance, any cube farm worker knows vodka makes the best odor-free flask drink. So why is yours full of brandy and creme de menthe? Nobody’s gonna believe you just brushed your teeth. Watch out or you’ll need a box for all your stuff!

Aquarius, you normally enjoy risk and danger but sadly you’re having trouble finding it. Superfluous energy torments you, causing you to hit on drunken Geminis at early-morning garage sales and generally bother people of all star signs. Meanwhile, a Sagittarius is bothering you, out-talking you even and making you uncomfortable. Chill out and avoid a fight. Cherry brandy for you.

Pisces, people think you’re pretty down-to-earth. But this week you go nuts and freak out at your family. It might be an intervention or some such gathering where emotions tend to run high. Then again, it might be a wedding or a funeral. Whatever the event is, expect to be escorted away from it quite forcefully, perhaps while vomiting vodka.

ASTROLIQUOR for Feb. 3-9—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Everything you need is available, Aries. Strangers feel like friends, and friends feel like family. You’re constantly meeting new contacts, many of whom will soon prove valuable. Somebody might even lend you money if you’re lucky. How should you approach this new social phase? Why, liquor your friends up, and don’t hold back. Offer them equal parts rum, whiskey and vodka, plus orange juice to taste (I suggest “none”).

Taurus, you mustn’t go out in those skidmarked sweatpants. You’re going to meet someone this week—a Virgo or a Capricorn—who won’t appreciate that level of casualness. Consider washing your clothes or visiting the dry cleaner. Burn any items that are absolutely embarrassing. You have a chance to make a good impression. Consider upgrading from Canadian Club to Crown Royal.

You’ll be put to the test at work this week, Gemini, and if you don’t dig deep for your inner confidence, your colleagues will notice your insecurities. Alcohol is the obvious answer, but don’t just choose clear, odorless vodka—choose something flashy and own it. You might work in an environment where employees are allowed to drink Jagerbombs. Do it! But add some Bacardi 151 and cinnamon to make your drink stand out.

It’s difficult for you to forget the past, Cancer, but the next month will be much better if you try. If you can’t arrest your self-recriminating thoughts, drown them in alcohol. I think this will work wonders:

  • 2 oz lime-flavored rum
  • 1 oz Blue Curacao
  • 1/2 oz grenadine
  • 3 oz sweet-and-sour mix
  • Soda water (if you must)

Leo, you’re very irritable this week—so much so that your friends can’t even compliment you without getting their heads snapped off. Unless you can chill out you are destined for a bar fight. What you need is a project. Ignore any groundhogs’ predictions about spring coming early and fix yourself some wintry eggnog:

  • 4 egg yolks (separate them while sober)
  • 1/2 oz cream
  • 1 oz simple syrup
  • 1.5 oz tawny port
  • 3 oz bourbon
  • 7 oz milk

Shake ingredients together with ice, pour into a highball glass and sprinkle with nutmeg (but not too much—the nutmeg high isn’t worth it).

This is a good week for socializing, Virgo. You’ll be positively collecting new friends and acquaintances this week. Enjoy it while it lasts, because your popularity is riding a crescendo, and what goes up must come down. Alcohol will neither help nor hinder, but have some anyway. Why not try something weird, like lychee-flavored liqueur with grapefruit juice?

Libra, you will learn something unbelievable about yourself this week from a female friend or coworker. But you need to be careful; you tend to be tempted by ideas that might not be legal—marinating pot leaves in vodka, for example. If you are going to ignore my sincere advice not to do this, you need to follow instructions very carefully, watch the how-to video, and avoid getting busted.

You’re having some strange ruminations, Scorpio. You’re wondering what it’s all about, whether society can sustain itself in all its modern madness, and what will be left a thousand years from now. Will people still drive cars? Will there be colonies on Mars? How old will people be? Will everyone be naked because of global warming? These are great questions, but you’re having trouble turning them off when you try to sleep at night. So I have three words for you: Kahlua, Bailey’s, and creme de cacao (okay, five words).

Sagittarius, this is a great week to finish projects you’ve started and abandoned. You’ll find all sorts of historical leftovers: cases of Zima, weird liqueurs, discontinued beers. Sit down on your basement floor and start chugging. You can’t leave these items another moment; they might (gasp) expire. Oh…and about the other projects. They can wait until you run out of Zima. Friday brings fun and possibly romance, plus good news about a friend who’s been sick.

You’re not so steady this week, Capricorn. One minute you’re happy and confident, the next whimpering and emotional. The timing is bad! You have a jealous coworker who’s just waiting for you to show weakness so he/she can sabotage you at work. Quick! You need to pull yourself together by combining Red Bull with alcohol, exactly the way I discourage doing elsewhere. How about Red Bull with berry-flavored Bacardi and peach schnapps? Throw some cranberries in for vitamins and fiber—you need a boost.

Aquarius, you need a vacation, even if your coworkers think your brain is on a permanent one. You don’t have any money, though, so you might need to make your holiday less a physical trip than a mental one, and alcohol always helps with that. Still, you need to keep it on the cheap side. Think beer, rum, and coca cola. If it feels a little trailer-park, well, it is, so add some hot sauce and live it up.

Pisces, you’ve worked hard lately to regain your stability, and now your taste for luxury is asserting itself. Put the credit card away! Don’t even think of blowing all your money on a night out. Find another natural homebody and make a drunken evening for yourselves at home. You can do a lot with some vodka and bananas. Right? I mean, it makes a good drink.