Jack Daniel’s

ASTROLIQUOR for June 22-28—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Time to get your finances in order, Aries—lenders and your boss are looking at you favorably. You might get a raise or even a promotion, but you’ll need some energy to prove yourself. This calls for “flask modification”—switch out the vodka for a Red Bull/cognac combination. You’ll be up for any challenge, and the cognac will make you smell like money, which will attract money. You bet.

Taurus, an unexpected visitor will keep you busy this week. But don’t worry—this Virgo won’t try to turn you into his/her bitch; instead you’ll go on a breathless adventure involving all sorts of new liquor combinations. Have you ever tried a Smeghead? Doesn’t it sound yummy? Your friend will teach you how to make it.(Stock up on Jagermeister and Malibu.)

It’s okay to fall down, Gemini, and it’s absolutely inevitable given the amount of Captain Morgan in your system. Acting on impulse will pay off through most of August. Your memory won’t be the best, though! Make sure you write down all the zany ideas that occur to you while you’re lurching around.

You’ll have a sexy dream this week, Cancer, featuring someone you didn’t even realize was on your mind. Basking in this dream at work, you’ll screw up a whole bunch of accounts and find yourself on the ropes. Oh no! Rein your hormones in or you’ll be escorted out of the building with a cardboard box. I see you pounding Jack Daniels with a macro beer on the floor, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

Leo, whether it’s Farmville, Ravenskye, or some other dumb Facebook game, it’s obsessing you these days. These games steal valuable time from you and leave you mentally drained without being edified. You need to switch the program—your program! Your assignment is to get a very large ice-filled container and pour 12 beers into it, a can of frozen lemonade, and half a 26er of gin. Okay, now polish it off. That should break the computer-game cycle.

You have to deal with some bureaucratic douchebaggery this week, Virgo, possibly involving insurance and your insurer’s unwillingness to cover a questionable incident. The stars are pessimistic about the outcome, and you may decide not to continue paying premiums for coverage that’s so readily denied. Use the money to buy brandy and interesting liqueurs like Benedictine. You know—the products that led to the questionable incident in the first place.

Libra, you’re hanging on to negative emotions long after friends had assumed you’d moved on. Try withdrawing from the social scene for a while so you can sort your head out. Sleep in; write your thoughts down; figure out what you need to say to others to free yourself from the negativity. When you’re ready, mix a pitcher of Hawaiian Punch spiked with Bacardi 151, Hypnotiq, and Malibu. Slam the whole thing, then have a confrontation.

You think you know yourself so well, Scorpio, but sometimes you’re mistaken. How much of your life has actually been according to plan? Have you chosen your friends carefully, or have they chosen you? Slow down this summer to reflect on big questions involving friends, career, and relationships. If you listen to the universe, a little impulse will come to you—go with it! It will feature mandarin liqueur, so you should trust where it takes you.

Sagittarius, you have some idiot colleagues who continually screw up and drag you into their mess. You’d think they were the ones who were drunk, but no—it’s you. How do you work competently when you start sipping 151-proof rum for breakfast? You must be very tough, or very lucky. Either way, don’t let your dumbass coworkers get to you. If you dwell on them, you’ll kill your buzz and start fixating on past grief or other negative crap. Add some rye to your rum to maintain your happy state.

Have you ever investigated your family history, Capricorn? Even though you probably don’t want to be like your parents, knowing your past might help you avoid what you consider to be their mistakes. Did they throw raspberry liqueur and amaretto all over their pancakes before work and call it “adventurous cuisine” rather than “drinking at breakfast”? Did they do the grocery shopping hammered on hard cider? You might be just like them, and you should find out. BTW, you’ll get lucky on Thursday when you fall down in the frozen foods aisle.

Aquarius, you may have more money these days, but you’re also spending more and having trouble pacing yourself. In fact, you might be one of those people who needs to be paid daily rather than bi-weekly, just because you’ll immediately blow the cash on Yukon Jack. I know, it’s unreasonable to ease off on the booze, but maybe you could sell your car. You never get to drive it anyway because you’re always pissed.

Pisces, friends are smarting from your criticism and describing you with words like “dick,” “tool,” and “asstard.” Try backing off when you get the impulse to express a negative opinion; give yourself a day to consider the best way to word it constructively. Try listening, letting the other person talk first, and agreeing to disagree. Even if they never taught you these skills in jail, give it a shot. If it’s too much for you, stay home with a blender and some Blue Curacao.

ASTROLIQUOR for April 27–May 3—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You realize you’ve spent the last two months in hell, Aries. Take heart; things are getting better, but you still have to work to avoid a bar fight. This week features new friendships—in particular, a new bond with someone eerily like yourself, which you think is awesome. In psychology circles we call this narcissism. The condition is further fueled by some work success. Your big danger right now is hubris and the associated bar brawl that typifies an Aries weekend. Stay home and teach yourself how to make an Irish coffee.

Taurus, that anxiety you’ve been feeling eases off this week. Now that you’re not afraid of getting reamed out at work, you speak freely—ahhh! A long-absent sense of personal sovereignty returns, and so does your inner hedonist. Do only things you really want to do! Indulge your creative side by messing around with some paint. Or, if you don’t feel like venturing into Walmart to buy paint, make yourself an Absolut Zero: two parts each of vodka, Kahlua, and cream to one part peppermint schnapps. Lovely! Your inner hedonist wants you to have ten of them.

It’s a comfort week, Gemini. You’re all about staying warm, cozy, and non-serious—and you’re on a mission to minimize work. With no patience for deep thought or conversation, you’ll be actively trivial for the foreseeable future. Jettison any tasks that matter and break out the Bacardi 151. Add equal parts brandy and peppermint schnapps, then light the whole thing on fire.

An Aquarian colleague is interested in you, Cancer. Even though this person is creepy, you feel drawn to explore the possibilities. It’s happened to you plenty of times—sheer horniness conquers logic and you end up humping in a closet. This isn’t the only arena where bad judgment will figure this week. You really ought not to drive at all, with all these rutting hormones confusing left from right for you. Oh yeah, and you’ll buy a lot of Hypnotiq for strangers at the pub.

Leo, don’t stew about your recent bad luck. Instead, find the idiots who brought it on you (Libra, Aquarius, or Leo) and let them have it. At least one of these people is a masochist who won’t mind an abusive tirade. After spending the week being an asshole, you’ll find love on Saturday. I see a lot of sherry and tequila involved.

You’ll meet new people this week, Virgo, which is a relief, because you’ve worn out your existing friends. So novel are these newcomers that you’ll feel free to be yourself. Careful! Forcing new friends to read your languishing screenplay is a sure-fire way to drive them off. Why not mix up some Southern Comfort with triple sec and listen to their stories? Just sayin’.

Libra, an industrious urge comes over you, leading you to volunteer every which way. Be careful! If you take on too much, you’ll end up as everybody’s bitch. There’s nothing wrong with the initial impulse, but you do have some douchey friends who’ll take advantage if you let them. In fact, douchey friends are going to come out of the woodwork soon. That’s because you’re finally going to complete your dream bar. It’ll have everything……rum, amaretto, Jager… But how will you pay for it? That’s easy. You’re going to win the lottery on Monday.

Not everyone gets your sense of humor, Scorpio. An acquaintance will try to one-up you this week in the prank department and be totally out of your league. Nothing is out of bounds for you; you’re fully capable of preparing an earthworm sandwich and watching your pal eat it. But there is a hazard to you. In your quest to win, you’ll overspend, leaving only enough cash for paint-thinner gin instead of Bombay Sapphire.

Sagittarius, this week it occurs to you that there are two people in the bed: the other person and you. When you ask your partner how you’re doing, you get an earful—oh, snap! That’s what comes of trying to perform after half a dozen bourbons. The good news is you’re talking about it. The bad news is you might need to modify your lifestyle a little. When it comes right down to it, life’s pretty good—someone offers you money this week for very little work. Yeah!

You get an uncomfortable surprise this week, Capricorn. In fact, everything that happens is a surprise because you’ll be spending 100% of the week hammered. The culprit is (typically) Captain Morgan. When you start drinking that shit on the bus to work, you might as well not show up. Your colleagues think you’re a total space cadet, but you can get away with it for a few days.

Aquarius, good things come in threes, so start counting. First, you’ll meet someone nice—either totally new or someone from your past. Second, work will go smoothly; you won’t even need to take a flask. Third, you’ll go liquor shopping and spend your whole paycheque. How awesome! Start with Jack Daniel’s and fill a shopping cart.

Pisces, you are charmingly oblivious to how offensive you are. That’s a real gift. It enables you to behave in a vacuum, unencumbered by considerations of others. What a perfect state of mind when you’re solo. But it gets better! You’ll meet someone who mirrors these tendencies exactly—perhaps even someone from your old cell block. So immediately connected are you that you almost read each other’s thoughts. When one of you thinks vodka and the other thinks gin, you combine the two.

Banana schnapps it ain’t—P’s amoxicillin tastes like ass

My Fellow Inebriates,

What would YOU do if you woke up and found this on the breakfast table?

Damn straight, I slammed that shooter back.

Only it wasn’t a shooter. It was Miss P’s amoxicillin.

While I was retching…

Mum: P, you took your medicine already! I didn’t even have to ask you. Good job!

Innocent smile from P.

LB: WTF was that? OMG, that was the worst shooter I ever had!

Mum: Amoxicillin. P, did you take this medicine?

V: Mummy, what’s LB doing? Silly LB! Is LB throwing up?

Mum: P, did you give your medicine to LB?

P: No.

This was true.

Mum: So you just shot this back, LB? Dude.

LB: What the hell was in that? OMG, seriously, you’re making P take this 21 times?

Mum: Well, 20 now, since you’ve taken one of them.

P: I don’t mind sharing.

LB: Holy shit, what flavor is that supposed to be? That wasn’t like any shooter at any bar that I’ve ever had ever! OMG!

V: It’s banana, yellow banana.

LB: OMFG! So will it at least give me a buzz?

Mum: No. All it will do is alert any bad microbes you have of amoxicillin’s antimicrobial properties, enabling them to develop resistance and evolve into a stronger strain. So thanks for nothing, buddy.

But P was clearly happy yours truly had taken the bullet. Even though she still had to take another dose, she was that much closer to the end of the bottle.

After a nasty experience like this morning’s, I need a proper banana shooter.