My Fellow Inebriates,

This week Miss P is touring a historic Fort Langley site with her class. My dad, who is joining the field trip as a “parent helper,” has the option of dressing up with her in old-time pioneer clothes. Although this leaves the house empty for us bears to party, I still get freaked out by these Fort Langley outings. Last time they went, my mum emailed me a photo of a bearskin rug.


This is how the conversation went later.

Me: Nice photo. We bears call that “bear terrorism.”

Mum: I thought it would make you laugh.

Me: Did “Silence of the Lambs” make you laugh?

Mum: Some bits of it.

Okay, so my mum is a freaking psychopath. She nevertheless has produced a useful justification for getting into the wine. I mean, what bear wouldn’t need to calm down after seeing something like that?

j lohrThe wine in question is J. LOHR SEVEN OAKS CABERNET SAUVIGNON (2010). How a wine costing $22.99 entered our home is a point of dispute between my dad, who took my mother’s disappointment with a recent $11 bottle as a command to go and spend 100 percent more next time, and my mother, who has a “wish list” of $25+ wines but won’t ever buy any of them because of a pathological parsimony that, once early-onset dementia and $11 wine claim a few more of her brain cells, will probably eventuate in her cooking seagulls after they’ve choked on our garbage, and who therefore hotly disputes having had anything to do with my dad’s decision to buy the J. LOHR.

Needless to say, this dampened their enthusiasm for the bottle. Neither one made so much as a comment on its aromatic cherry notes, its glass-gripping body, or its ripe, jammy fruit swimming in vanilla-oak. It was biggish, almost lush, stopping short of hedonics however, and more or less thumbing its nose at us for parting with 23 bucks.

If anything, J. LOHR SEVEN OAKS is a consistent wine. From vintage to vintage, it holds up in its price range. It has a certain velvety smoothness that suggests fine attention and craft. On the tongue it could linger a little longer, but of course I can always just stick my paw in the glass and slurp it out of my fur. Because it’s my fur, damn it!


So I would buy it again, my fellow inebriates, but only when my mum ups the wine budget. Until then, there are plenty of decent wines that ring in under $15 and give J. LOHR a run for its money.

Beer Throw Up

I’m often intrigued by the way people arrive at this site. Yesterday a visitor landed here by googling “beer throw up.” As it happens, I’m thrilled to give you my two cents on how “beer” and “throwing up” are associated. But first a video illustration:

Drunk guy throws up into beer and drinks again

Too cool. Now, on to some specific questions that arise when you google “beer throw up”:

Is British beer designed to be thrown up? Good question. There’s a misconception that the British enjoy warm beer, the thought of which might make a North American upchuck. Fact is, British brews are often served at cellar temperature (10-14°C) so their flavors can be better discerned by the drinker. Not super-cold, certainly, but not disgustingly warm either. And not actually designed to make you throw up—but if you feel like throwing up, by all means throw up. Then you get to drink more.

Why does beer make me throw up? Beer contains alcohol, which has a depressive effect on parts of the brain. A human body metabolizes about one drink an hour, so anything above that contributes toward intoxication. Since technically alcohol is a toxin, the body will do its best to process it, but it may reach a saturation point and send everything spewing out. The more you drink, the more practiced your liver will become at processing the alcohol.

Throwing up when drinking beer? Trust me, I love drinking to excess, but beer is meant to be enjoyed for its taste just as much as its buzz. Try nursing your beer and you should be able to keep it all down. Pound it when you start getting bored.

How long can I binge drink before suffering negative effects? Tricky question. Since I started binge drinking my fur has become very matted and I often have what my parents and girlfriend describe as “dead eyes.” I can live with these things, so I figure I can keep binging for a while. Be your own judge; you probably can last a bit longer too.

How can I keep from getting that drunk again? First off, how drunk do you mean? If you were that drunk then you surely have no recollection what got you there—how many drinks, the pacing, what you ate, your hydration level, etc. So you’ll probably be that drunk again one of these days. Just make sure you have some painkillers handy for the next day.

What’s a good bottle of red wine you recommend? I really like J. Lohr for value/quality and RECOMMEND the Seven Oaks Cabernet Sauvignon.