horoscope

ASTROLIQUOR for Nov. 11-17

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You’re feeling happy this week, Aries, which means fruity fruit fruit:

  • 1.5 oz vodka
  • half a lime
  • 1/2 oz passion fruit syrup
  • 1/2 oz watermelon liqueur

Shake with ice and strain into a chilled glass. Again, I know this is kind of a silly drink for you, Aries, but when you’re happy you have the patience to plan and execute drinks like this.

It’s time to quit driving your car, Taurus, so you can properly enjoy your liquor cabinet. Be a free spirit and pour equal parts Pepsi and red wine into a decanter. This is one of those awesome beverages that others often decline, so you get it all to yourself. YEAH!!

Life is cuddly and harmonious right now, Gemini. Get out some nice apple cider (I RECOMMEND Strongbow) and mix it 3:1 with cherry liqueur. Share it with someone who makes your fur tingle.

This is a good week for Cancers to hit on the opposite sex. Pick a drink that differentiates you as a fun-loving party animal, then buy everyone a round. I’d go with shooters: equal parts Crown Royal and butterscotch schnapps.

Start thinking about moving out of your parents’ house, Leo, and stock up your own booze shelf. You need some good Russian vodka. With a bit of lime, soda water, and sugar, you’re all set.

The asteroid didn’t hit us last week, and everything’s all good. Virgo, you need to go out on a limb and get crazy this week. How long has it been since you had a party drink? This one’s called a Smurfette:

  • 3 oz Malibu
  • 3 oz Blue Curacao
  • 4 oz banana liqueur
  • Pineapple juice to taste (I usually have “none”)

Serve over ice. Yum!

All eyes are on you, this week, Libra, so get out your flask, fill it with gin, Blue Curacao, orange juice and cheap white wine, and take it to work. When people see your inexplicable nonchalance, you’ll probably get a promotion.

You’re not your usual emotional vampire self, Scorpio, because you’re in the groove and finding comfort in happy, joyful concoctions. Malibu is an integral part of any fun-time drink, so shake it up in equal parts with Captain Morgan spiced rum and mango rum. Then add pineapple juice…or not.

Sagittarius, you make it all look so easy. You’ll have a lot of adventures this week, none of them planned, and the culprit will be Captain Morgan. It’s just so easy to throw it into your ice tea with a squirt of lemon.

You’re conflicted this week, Capricorn…are you ready for take-off or grounded in reality? I find the right liquor usually prevents over-thinking things. Try adding peppermint schnapps to everything this week. If you can keep a steady buzz going without overshooting into unconsciousness, you should have interesting times.

Love and romance are favored this week, Aquarius, but you are still preoccupied with taking over the world. This is not the week for that! You need to get really loaded and have fun. Here’s a start:

  • 2 oz dark rum
  • 1 oz 100-proof vodka
  • 1.5 oz Blue Curacao (because you LOVE blue things)
  • 2 oz pineapple juice
  • Red Bull to taste
Doesn’t that sound fantastic? Drink up!

Pisces, you’ve been finding yourself in the gutter a bit too often lately. Maybe hard liquor isn’t your thing right now, especially since people keep kicking your ass. Stick to beer this week, and slow yourself down by adding strange things to it: Worcestershire sauce, lemon juice, soy sauce, Tabasco, pepper…you get the idea. Add ’em all if you like. It’ll make it hard to pound the beers as fast as you normally do.

ASTROLIQUOR for Nov. 4-10

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Tensions at home may be too much for you at the moment, Aries, so here’s a temporary escape hatch:

  • 1 oz gin (check out my BEEFEATER review)
  • 1 oz cream of coconut
  • 1 cup frozen strawberries

Blend with a cup of ice, then garnish with one mint sprig. I know this is kind of a silly drink for you, Aries, but you have some bad shit going on and you need busy work to distract you. Count to ten while blending, and make sure the lid is on.

You’ve been spending a lot of time in your own head, Taurus, developing your emotional side. You’ve realized you need to spend at least as much time on personal pursuits such as drinking as you do on work. So pop some champagne, funnel some pear liqueur into it and take it outside for a nice aimless walk.

This week features real estate and efforts to focus on business, Gemini, so you’ll have to drink a little more to relax. Here’s a start:

  • 1 oz rum (check out my Appleton review)
  • 1/2 oz black sambuca
  • 1 tsp cherry brandy
  • 1/2 oz lemon juice

Often plagued by memory dropouts, Cancers get upset easily and need sweet, comforting drinks. Try mixing apple juice and cognac in a 2:1 ratio, seven or eight times, then practice finding things that are missing. Sometimes I look for my genitals this way.

This week people are boring the crap out of you, Leo, and a few drinks may be required to make them more tolerable. Your patience is thin so get a trained bartender to make you several of these:

  • 2 oz watermelon liqueur
  • 1 oz Blue Curacao
  • 1 oz Stoli cranberry vodka
  • 4 oz sweet-and-sour mix
  • 2 oz Sprite

Put a cherry on top and pound a bunch of these. People should start to seem more interesting.

Virgo gets some bad news this week related to a friend’s health. You’ll need to get messed up with something so bizarre that it prevents you from thinking. Here’s my best suggestion:

  • 1 oz anisette
  • 1.5 oz Kahlua
  • 1/2 cup pineapple juice

You’re welcome.

This is the week to descend on a friend, Libra, bearing tequila and tabasco. Knock it back and get naked.

Take it easy and call in sick, Scorpio—chill with a some strawberry cream liqueur and cinnamon schnapps. Sounds gross perhaps, but if you mix them in an even ratio, you’ll become nicer.

Sagittarius, your spending has been out of control, so it’s time to scavenge through your liquor cabinet and make do with what’s there. How about mixing equal parts vodka and schnapps with whatever juice you have in the fridge? Failing that, go to the bar and mooch.

You have turbulent feelings this week, Capricorn, and it’s your job to bury them so they don’t bother others. Combine melon liqueur, Curacao and pineapple juice, then pound it. You’ll get sick before you get drunk, which will keep you out of people’s way.

You’ll receive an answer to one of your complaint letters this week, Aquarius, and you’ll be happy for a minute, but then you’ll realize the motherf#cker didn’t address your complaint, and then you’ll start drinking in anger. You’re frustrated, so here’s something elaborate to keep you from going out on a rampage:

  • 1 oz rum
  • 3/4 oz EACH dry and sweet vermouth
  • 1/2 tsp cherry liqueur
  • 1/4 cup orange juice
  • 1 tbsp lime juice

Pisces, you need to start thinking about looking for a job. Give it a try, then come back home and mix up some gin, triple sec and Blue Curacao. Add some lemon and bitters, and soon it won’t matter whether you’re employed or not.

ASTROLIQUOR for October 28-November 3

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Here’s something to keep you busy today, Aries:

Mix equal parts of Jack Daniel’s and Jim Beam, then chase with Labatt Blue. Have…say… seven, and don’t pick any fights.

You need something sweet and fun today, Taurus, so break into the Hallowe’en stash a little early and throw some Pop Rocks into a shot glass of melon liqueur. Knock it back, then do five more. Now you’re ready for anything.


You’re a drinker with a split personality, Gemini, so let’s pit your two sides against each other and see what emerges. Pour equal parts Goldschlager and Sambuca into a shot glass and savor. Can you do six?

Intuitive and sentimental, Cancers need pretty, happy drinks to keep their mood out of the toilet, so how about a Tequila Sunrise?  You just need ice in a tall glass with two shots of tequila, a drizzle of grenadine and some orange juice.

Leos love sunny, tropical flavors, so throw some banana liqueur into a tall glass of Sprite and you’re ready to start running around naked.


Where would a Virgo be without measured shot glasses? Your OCD approach to bartending guarantees that not a drop gets wasted—nor will you often get drunk without intending it. This should keep you happy:

  • 1 1/2 oz Absolut® Mandrin vodka
  • 1/2 oz Cointreau® orange liqueur
  • 2 – 3 oz cranberry juice
  • 2 – 3 oz orange juice

Stir it up in a tall glass with ice.

Since you’re so good at holding your liquor, Libra, this Bear Dozer recipe should test your mettle: equal parts Jack Daniel’s, tequila, and cherry whiskey. Pour into shot glasses and pound several.

Calm your demons with a raspberry martini today, Scorpio, preferably before work or going online. In a cocktail shaker, mix vodka and Chambord in a 2:1 ratio, then add a tablespoon of lime juice. That should keep you from being a dink.

Sagittarius folk are the travelers of the drinking world, and they range far and wide in search of novelty. Your assignment today is to take one of your craft beers and throw two shots of Bacardi 151 into it, set it on fire and pound it. YEAH!


Here’s something dignified for Capricorn, the most conservative sign:

  • 1.5 oz bourbon whiskey
  • 0.5 oz sweet sherry
  • 1 teaspoon bitters
  • 3 oz orange juice
  • 3 oz lemonade

Shake the first four ingredients with ice, then pour the lemonade over it. At first this will look elegant; later not so much when it comes back up.

No messing around today, Aquarius, you need some energy, so grab a Red Bull and add two shots of vodka to it. Now you can be productive.

Jails are full of Pisces, so here’s something to keep you busy. Stay indoors mixing/drinking this:

  • 2 oz lemon vodka
  • 1 oz Grand Marnier
  • 0.5 oz cranberry puree
  • 3 splashes lemon juice
  • 2.5 oz lemonade
  • 1 oz orange juice

Drink repeatedly all day and don’t venture outside.