My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Tensions at home may be too much for you at the moment, Aries, so here’s a temporary escape hatch:

• 1 oz gin (check out my BEEFEATER review)
• 1 oz cream of coconut
• 1 cup frozen strawberries

Blend with a cup of ice, then garnish with one mint sprig. I know this is kind of a silly drink for you, Aries, but you have some bad shit going on and you need busy work to distract you. Count to ten while blending, and make sure the lid is on.

You’ve been spending a lot of time in your own head, Taurus, developing your emotional side. You’ve realized you need to spend at least as much time on personal pursuits such as drinking as you do on work. So pop some champagne, funnel some pear liqueur into it and take it outside for a nice aimless walk.

This week features real estate and efforts to focus on business, Gemini, so you’ll have to drink a little more to relax. Here’s a start:

• 1 oz rum (check out my Appleton review)
• 1/2 oz black sambuca
• 1 tsp cherry brandy
• 1/2 oz lemon juice

Often plagued by memory dropouts, Cancers get upset easily and need sweet, comforting drinks. Try mixing apple juice and cognac in a 2:1 ratio, seven or eight times, then practice finding things that are missing. Sometimes I look for my genitals this way.

This week people are boring the crap out of you, Leo, and a few drinks may be required to make them more tolerable. Your patience is thin so get a trained bartender to make you several of these:

• 2 oz watermelon liqueur
• 1 oz Blue Curacao
• 1 oz Stoli cranberry vodka
• 4 oz sweet-and-sour mix
• 2 oz Sprite

Put a cherry on top and pound a bunch of these. People should start to seem more interesting.

Virgo gets some bad news this week related to a friend’s health. You’ll need to get messed up with something so bizarre that it prevents you from thinking. Here’s my best suggestion:

• 1 oz anisette
• 1.5 oz Kahlua
• 1/2 cup pineapple juice

You’re welcome.

This is the week to descend on a friend, Libra, bearing tequila and tabasco. Knock it back and get naked.

Take it easy and call in sick, Scorpio—chill with a some strawberry cream liqueur and cinnamon schnapps. Sounds gross perhaps, but if you mix them in an even ratio, you’ll become nicer.

Sagittarius, your spending has been out of control, so it’s time to scavenge through your liquor cabinet and make do with what’s there. How about mixing equal parts vodka and schnapps with whatever juice you have in the fridge? Failing that, go to the bar and mooch.

You have turbulent feelings this week, Capricorn, and it’s your job to bury them so they don’t bother others. Combine melon liqueur, Curacao and pineapple juice, then pound it. You’ll get sick before you get drunk, which will keep you out of people’s way.

You’ll receive an answer to one of your complaint letters this week, Aquarius, and you’ll be happy for a minute, but then you’ll realize the motherf#cker didn’t address your complaint, and then you’ll start drinking in anger. You’re frustrated, so here’s something elaborate to keep you from going out on a rampage:

• 1 oz rum
• 3/4 oz EACH dry and sweet vermouth
• 1/2 tsp cherry liqueur
• 1/4 cup orange juice
• 1 tbsp lime juice

Pisces, you need to start thinking about looking for a job. Give it a try, then come back home and mix up some gin, triple sec and Blue Curacao. Add some lemon and bitters, and soon it won’t matter whether you’re employed or not.