Grey Goose

Jolly Rancher Vodka—get some ready for breakfast!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Jolly Ranchers Vodka: mixthatdrink.com

You may have been weirded out by the off-putting opacity of Skittles Vodka. It makes sense that people might wish to see through their candy-styled vodka infusions, and if you’re one of these clarity fans, then here’s a shiny, translucent variation: Jolly Ranchers Vodka—yeah!!

Jolly Ranchers have long been regarded as a lens into overlapping realities. With a mind-blowing assortment of flavors, they’ve historically been the preferred side dish of acid-tripping synaesthetes who love to merge taste and smell with sound and color. Aficionados say Jolly Ranchers can make an LSD trip all-singing and all-dancing all night.

It kind of sounds like one of those made-up geezer stories you hear from forty-somethings like my parents who like to wax on about their lives “BC”—you know, when they used to read two books instead of one and stayed up until 11:00 instead of 10:00. But I honestly doubt my parents have ever done anything more heart-pounding than miss their stop on the SkyTrain.

Boring parents aside, this lovely Mix That Drink recipe seems like a nice nod to the role Jolly Ranchers may or may not have played in altered consciousness. You have to know I’ll never be allowed to devote a bottle of Grey Goose to it, but I hope you will, my friends, and tell me all about it.

Help! I’m dry!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Last night when I approached my mum about doing a long-overdue booze run to get us stocked up, I found her watching a podcast on alcoholism of all things. I said, “Hey, what about the shopping, then? I have reviews to do,” and she said, “Well, about that.”

She said she was not entirely convinced of my harmlessness.

I said, “If you are talking to bears then we’re way past harmlessness and into something more like psychosis. Get me my liquor.”

And then she said, “You’re not the first bear I’ve ever talked to. And you won’t be the last.” Then she went back to her podcast.

I said, “I need the following: Grey Goose, some Kirschwasser cherry brandy, Jim Beam, and of course more Malibu. We always need Malibu.”

Then she said: “I’m feeling a little guilty about you. You have, perhaps, gotten out of control.”

I decided I didn’t like the tone this was taking and continued with my list. “And I need Nesquik. I’m going to put Nesquik in the Grey Goose. To make it more family-friendly.”

“Why don’t you do something else, LB?”

“I don’t have anything else; this is all I’ve got.”

Her ass was in my way so I couldn’t shove her off the computer. And even if I could, my paws are not suited to typing; they’re just little nubs really.

So that’s where my liquor reviews are at today, people. I’ll let you know when my mum falls off the wagon.