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ASTROLIQUOR for March 1–6—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, an insurance issue will require your full attention. Make sure you read the small print—preferably before you go on a Yellow Chartreuse bender. In any case, your coverage will probably screw you over, leaving you to wonder why you bothered buying insurance at all. The good news is it doesn’t involve driving and/or your car. Give yourself a pat on the back for confining your drinking to your home and public transit. Take the money you’ve been wasting on premiums and buy a present for a Scorpio. Maybe a bottle of Yellow Chartreuse.

Taurus, you’re brooding over old issues. Colleagues wonder why you haven’t gotten over ancient slights, but Taurus personalities are excellent at balling up those hostile emotions until they explode. Release them before you go critical. Remember: booze will free you of your inhibitions. Use anything…cognac, Cointreau, Yellow Chartreuse… Are you drunk yet? Good. Now go talk to your boss.

You think you know yourself so well, Gemini, but others actually know you better. In fact, you can’t even remember the last five years. You’ve been awash the whole time in Southern Comfort. Little do you know, your consciousness is about to explode, providing new insights between now and May. You’ll also experience some diarrhea.

Cancer, you’ll start a drunken fight at work this week. You can’t help it; your colleagues are idiots who refuse to do their jobs. Privately you’ll feel ashamed for your outburst, but then you’ll gradually start to like your new bad-ass self. You’ll rationalize your nutbag workplace freakouts and bolster them with a flask of gin. Have a cardboard box ready.

Leo, pay more attention to your family. Don’t just listen to them; try to understand what makes them tick. What weird-ass genes influence them? What crazy relatives brought them up? Meanwhile you’ll find yourself in the doghouse with a significant other; it seems your inability to function without a headful of Bacardi 151 is a relationship dealbreaker. Don’t worry, you’ll meet someone new at the liquor store in April.

Virgo, your month is outstripping your paycheque and causing you big financial worries. Consider getting rid of your car. You never drive it anyway because you are always pissed on Malibu. You could buy discount rotting fruit and vegetables to save a few coins, or maybe even give up solid foods altogether. Or you could just wait for a raise. The stars say “maybe.”

Stop mailing your hate letters immediately, Libra. The “send” button is far too tempting for you, and you’re dissing people who are much smarter (and probably more sober) than you. If you, for instance, email the stupidest inbox in the blogosphere, you will get skewered. It’s okay to have an opinion, but try not to formulate it after marinating your neurons in vodka, whisky, gin, and a dash of tabasco sauce. That shit’ll make you mean.

The stars may be messing with you, Scorpio, but they’re suggesting you make an elaborate dinner for friends. They’ll be surprised at what a gourmand you are, and a flirtation may even ensue with a Leo or Pisces. The resultant public display of affection will probably appall your guests and scare them off, but for your superbly stocked bar. White rum, dark rum, and elderflower cordial? You’ve got it going on. And now you’ve got an orgy in your dining room.

Sagittarius, you’re hurting financially. You made some serious dents with your ATM card back in December, and you can’t even remember what you purchased. That’s what happens when you go shopping during a drunken blackout. Who knows what you bought—check and see if there’s a Prada purse under your bed. Better yet, see what’s in your bar. Let’s hope you stocked up on Tia Maria and Amaretto.

You don’t have any spare cash, Capricorn, but who cares? You’re feeling down and your house could use some new furniture. Your partner will be so surprised to see a new living room suite and a zero balance. Smooth over any arguments with this yummy drink:

  • 1 cup vodka
  • 1/2 cup cranberry juice
  • 1/2 cup mango juice
  • 1/2 cup orange juice
  • 1 cup ice cream

Blend it all up with ice…unless you have to sell the blender.

Aquarius, it’s time to take someone to dinner—maybe an old friend, maybe someone you meet in the brandy aisle at the liquor store. You’ll hit it off in a big way and end up naked. The next morning while you’re lounging around in an ill-fitting thong with your new friend, Jehovah’s Witnesses will come to your door. Invite them in. You must have some brandy left, and the conversation will be fun.

Pisces, you have a very deviant sex life, but it’s not satisfying you these days. Could you be looking for true love? The stars have lots of options for you (Capricorn, Pisces, Cancer), but they’re not all into your kinks. They don’t like that bit involving peanut butter and the dog, and they draw the line at letting your relatives watch. Cheer up, you can still pour the Hypnotiq, Malibu, and vodka, and there’ll be no hard feelings.

Is pink the answer to bullying?

Sleeping off a bender, I awoke to our mother hollering, “Time for school, find something pink to wear!” Like they wouldn’t anyway. Ninety percent of Misses P and V’s wardrobe is pink, but the exhortation to dress for anti-bullying day got them moving, which was Mum’s cynical intention. Usually she has to beg the kids a dozen times to don clothes for school, but in this case she could invoke novelty—or at least the idea of novelty.

Pink Shirt Day 2-bsh-2018yriFor boy children, dressing in pink might have been novel. Most boys don’t have a stitch of pink in their closets, either because they learn early that pink is a “girl’s color” or worse—because their parents shun pink on their behalf, fearing its possible potential to confer homosexuality on their male offspring. But bring on Anti-Bullying Day, and boys are expected to strut their pink threads.

My mum was relieved she didn’t have to purchase pink duds for a male child and/or bully said son into wearing them. Yes, Anti-Bullying Day is an excellent idea, but its execution is inevitably imperfect.

Girls typically wear pink; boys typically don’t. Therefore a “wear pink” campaign puts only boys out of their comfort zone. But of course that’s not the point—pink wasn’t chosen to single out boys. It wasn’t even chosen arbitrarily; it was prompted by an incident in which a male ninth grade student was bullied for wearing a pink shirt during the first day of school. The point isn’t to make kids uncomfortable; it’s to make them think. Which is great.

But whereas it’s not much of a stretch for girls to put on a pink shirt, just ask any parents who tried to wrestle their boys into pink this morning without success, and it’s a whole other story. As one of them commented to my mum, “My boys aren’t bullies. Most kids aren’t bullies. Wearing pink feels like a punishment to them.”

??????????????????????????Okay, so bad on society for gendering the color pink. That’s something to chip away at, for sure. And over the years, Anti-Bullying Day may well help with that. But for now, many boys—especially young ones—don’t “get” Pink Shirt Day. All their lives they’ve learned that pink is for girls. (One day we even witnessed a dad in Toys R Us heatedly refusing to allow his two-year-old son to try a pink bike.)

Moreover, those pink shirts parents bought their sons for Anti-Bullying Day won’t see the light of day until next year, reinforcing the notion that pink is not ordinarily for boys.

“How many boys in your class wore pink today?” I asked P after she’d trussed me up in a pink dress for the occasion.

“Um, zero,” she said. “But J wore a pink armband and W clipped a piece of pink paper to his shirt.”

“Good for them.”

If anything this illustrates the nascence of Anti-Bullying Day. Inaugurated in BC in 2008, the event has only just recently locked into February 27 as its official day. Depending on the proactivity of schools and teachers, it could well gain traction over the next years and decades. For now it’s in its awkward infancy, still seeking across-the-board buy-in.

Bullying is bad. This sort of thing really shouldn't happen.

Bullying is bad. This sort of thing really shouldn’t happen.

But again, if wearing pink is the signature outward emblem of participation in Anti-Bullying Day—ignoring for the moment how stupidly arbitrary it is to equate pink with femininity—are we not asking more from boys than from girls when we urge “all” kids to wear a pink shirt? P and V most likely would have done so anyway, but their male cohort would not have, which makes the exercise unfair—at least until we actually do chip away at the pink-for-girls and blue-for-boys stereotypes that underpin the bullying incident that kicked the whole idea off.

Lastly, we shouldn’t forget that bullying is not the sole domain of boys. Small percentages of both genders dish out intimidation and physical violence (just ask V, who has a female five-year-old tormenter). If wearing pink demands no effort of girls and considerable effort of boys, is the underlying message that girls are exempt from bullying?

Obviously the answer is no—it’s not the intentional message. But it is a message that could accidentally be inferred. Although schools do a good job of explaining Anti-Bullying Day and emphasizing that no one gender has a monopoly on abusive behavior, the anti-bullying message is riding on a raft of socially constructed implications—much the way gay-rights issues sometimes get swept along with rainbow themes that don’t necessarily resonate with all gay people. Hitching your wagon to a color or spectrum of colors is a great way to get attention and promote a cause, but in our society colors are laden with value assumptions that sometimes muddy the message.

PICT1885Bottom line at LBHQ: We don’t mind pink; three-quarters of the humans wear it all the time. When P draped me in my pink frock today I did get the impression she was trying to make me look prettier. Or maybe she was making a political statement—who knows?

The real bottom line is that Anti-Bullying Day, no matter how it’s observed, is important. It’s important enough to warrant a “theme drink” such as this mouth-watering Pink Lady. But then of course we’d have to worry about what such a drink implied.

pink-lady-gin

Oh damn it, let’s just buy the gin anyway and make one.

ASTROLIQUOR for Feb. 15–21—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Gear up for some excitement, Aries—maybe a housewrecker party or a night of bar-hopping. You’ll be out all night and end up conflating breakfast with, well, more drinking. Try blending up a cup of banana schnapps with some bananas for a wholesome breakfast. While you’re replenishing your potassium and blood-alcohol percentage, why not email that Leo you had the one-night stand with last year? He/she will be delighted to hear from you, especially in your condition.

Taurus, you’re due for an ignominious week. Expect to break a lot of bottles…a lot. Be stoic when someone attacks you for your recklessness; the criticism is less about you than it is about this douchebag’s own unhappy life. If he/she pounded the orange vodka and Cointreau the way you do, life would be sunny. Someone will make you an appealing offer this week. Lay off the vodka briefly so you can consider it—it might be too good to be true.

A friend needs you again, Gemini, but you just don’t feel like helping. Ordinarily you’re good at navigating such situations, but this particular friend gets you with a brainful of Malibu and, well, you just don’t care. The person seeking help feels very bonded to you emotionally and will be offended when you ignore the pleas, so you may have to employ some diplomacy later. That or just pour yourself some more Malibu.

The pressure continues, Cancer. Not only are your finances still #&*%^#—so are your mental faculties. Just when you think you understand a difficult concept, it slips away. Losing one’s mental capacity is one of the most frightening prospects anyone can face, especially if it wasn’t any hell to begin with. Consider visiting the doctor or, if you just don’t want to know for sure, maintain a constant buzz. How about gin, Malibu, and sour apple liqueur? That should keep prevent your remaining neurons from worrying.

Leo, you’ll get a very lucrative monetary offer, job offer, or maybe just a sales flyer from your favorite store. Listen to your emotions as you make your decision. Whether you end up taking the deal, refusing it, or just blowing all your cash at Walmart, make sure you have enough left to stock your bar. You’re running out of vanilla liqueur and probably a whack of other important liquor-store items. The stars want you to mix the liqueur with orange juice and milk. I say just drink it straight.

What happens when you combine Corona with tequila and grenadine at work, Virgo? You may just end up getting a raise, as your brash, uninhibited self takes over from your mousy daytime personality and wows your boss. Especially if your boss is an Aquarius, the stars say do it. If that doesn’t work out (and let’s face it, some people consider tequila and work incompatible),  you’ll probably end up winning some lottery cash. But don’t spend it all! The stars are malevolent about your finances in April.

Libra, a natural disaster has you in its sights. Water may well be involved, so take whatever precautions occur to you. Of course, the stars may be exaggerating—you might just have your toilet back up after your five-year-old feeds an entire roll of toilet paper to it. Either way, you’ll need to stock up on liquor. Put that crazy kid to bed and mix this number:

  • 4 parts Hypnotiq
  • 4 parts gin
  • 2 parts tequila
  • 8 parts pineapple juice (optional)
  • 8 parts Sprite (optional)

Make sure you’re well prepared for any conferences you attend this week, Scorpio. In the past you’ve arrived with a flask of gin and Dr. Pepper and only barely managed to comport yourself. Afterwards when the meeting minutes got circulated, the whole thing seemed new to you—especially the bits with that clown who made all the asinine comments. The stars don’t insist on 100% sobriety for work; but they don’t want you to be totally embarrassed either, so find the right balance.

Sagittarius, your computer will act up this week; you’ll suspect a virus, and you’re actually due for one considering all the porn you’ve been downloading, but the real problem is your computer’s age. You don’t have the greatest head for troubleshooting, especially while lit up with vodka and vermouth. Try to resist the urge to throw the whole rig out the window, cinematic as that might be. Don’t shoot at it either. Just get some fresh air and/or more vodka.

No nitpicking for you this week, Capricorn. Examining things minutely only leads to misery and subverts decision making. Your intuition is a better guide than intense analysis. If you can’t inhibit your inner critic, dose it with tequila and peach schnapps. On another note entirely, try not to be jealous. Again, tequila will help.

Aquarius, you border on stalking when it comes to a certain Leo. Other people are noticing and becoming increasingly uncomfortable with your inappropriate behavior. What you need is a diversion. Find a big jug and fill it with 3 parts Malibu, 6 parts cognac, and 6 parts Jim Beam. This is a great way to forget about Leos, and anything else for that matter.

Pisces, a friend from old times will email this week with shocking news. Refrain from responding right away; you’re far too pickled in banana rum to be judging your friend. If you can’t resist hitting the “send” button, be prepared to fix a damaged relationship or even retract what you’ve said. All of which is typical for Pisces any week, regardless of celestial influence. But don’t say the stars didn’t try to help!