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ASTROLIQUOR for September 21-27—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, for a change your ideas are in sync with those of your colleagues. This is an excellent time to boss them around. It’s also a good time to renegotiate financial matters, but make sure you state your case plainly. Don’t be afraid to lay on a sob story if you need to. Your vulnerability makes you charming this week! So fill up on rum and triple sec before you meet your banker, and things will go great.

Taurus, you have a smooth week ahead—perfect for coasting. Hang with some friends, read a good book, or see a movie. Have a martini party with that new Islay gin that my parents have refused to buy me. Don’t scrub the sink or clean any toilets; those tasks will kill your buzz. Avoid mess by barfing outside if you need to, and if you’re inside, try to aim properly.

Gemini, even if you don’t take the initiative, a drinking buddy will probably give you a call, inviting you to lunch. At first you’ll think it’s a debt collector and be all like I don’t know what you’re talking about; that person doesn’t live here. But then you’ll shake off last night’s vodka buzz and realize: this friend is awesome! Have a Midori Melon liquid lunch together.

Avoid all kinds of conversation this week, Cancer. No one’s telling you what you want to hear, and the basic subject matter is boring. This goes double for work-related interactions, so call in sick and hole up with a big-ass tequila bottle. Commune with no one except via email. Until this antisocial phase passes, the only pal you need is José Cuervo.

Leo, parts of your job description are downright unappealing. You want to skip them entirely, but if you do, your boss will rain holy shit on you. You could seek comfort in knowing that most people spend their lives doing unsuitable jobs that don’t engage their interests. Or you could just go to work drunk. Brain cells handle filing and mail-sorting best when they’re saturated with rum.

Get ready to meet a special person, Virgo. Not a love interest, so pull your pants up, but a new, super-durable friend who’ll like you for you no matter how much Kahlua’s sloshing around your head. So make yourself available—answer emails, texts, the phone even, because you don’t want to miss out on this new friendship. Oh yeah, and this is a good week to gamble with substantial sums of money too.

Libra, the stars say socialize. You’ll meet cool people this week—just not partner material. That’s okay, though…you have some bad habits to kick before you start scoping for a mate. For instance, you need to stop drinking Bud Light. Libras are supposed to have good taste, friend. The only night you should remain inside is Thursday (shit-faced Thursday, as your local pub calls it). Avoid that bar fight!

Resisting your spiritual side has produced an unfortunate side effect, Scorpio: a defensive wall around you that thwarts new friendships. Not everything is baloney, Scorpio—just most of it. Keen insights await you if you open the neuronal floodgates with some Jamaican dark rum. The more you drink, the more wonderful other people seem, as long as you don’t drink with assholes.

Sagittarius, it’s time to bear down and finish some projects. Even if they don’t end up too pretty, at least they’ll be done, and then you can enjoy Happy Hour. Your industrious phase will last through December, when you can relax and have Happy Days rather than just Happy Hours—not just one Grey Goose martini but ten. Start working!

Your star chart is crazy this week, Capricorn. What the hell those constellations mean, you’d have to ask a better astrologer. To me they say “Plymouth Gin.” Don’t let people con you into doing their work this week. You’ll thank yourself in December when the shit hits the fan at work and those people get blamed for that particular work being unfinished. Have a nice flirtation instead, or maybe just drink gin at work while your coworkers scamper around working.

Aquarius, you get the urge to run away from the mundane toward something novel. Do it! But remember that your ordinary world will continue to turn. All kinds of shit could go wrong in your absence if you don’t delegate before you run. Luckily the stars are furnishing you with charisma this week; people will fall over themselves to obey you. Your drink is equal parts amaretto, cream de cacao, and cream. Ahhh! Delegation indeed.

Pisces, don’t be coerced into taking on undesirable work. Be strong on this point, even if a colleague attacks you personally—even if someone blackmails you with the empty rum-bottle collection at the back of your desk. People at work can be dickheads, so watch your back! Either clean up those empties or start sharing your booze, or you’ll spend the week fending off attacks.

ASTROLIQUOR for September 7-13—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, even if you’ve been feeling your age lately, this week brings new energy. Whatever age you were happiest, that’s the way you’ll feel. Hark back to relatively mature times and you may find yourself sipping a Grey Goose martini. But good luck if you long for less mature times—you could end up shotgunning beers at the park. With apologies for gross stereotyping, this is a kick-ass way to feel young.

Taurus, this is the week to complete important negotiations. The terms won’t get more favorable, so sign the documents already. The sooner you get this boring task done, the sooner you can hit that box of white wine that’s been giving you come-hither looks. Mix it up with some Galiano (after you finish the financial stuff).

When things are tough, Gemini, the stars advise hitting the bars and finding a stranger to listen to your troubles. A real psychologist would just cost you money ($100 and hour? or four bottles of Smirnoff?…you do the math), plus they’d have all sorts of rules about bringing flasks to the office, etc.  Who needs professionals? Any stranger with a sufficiently high blood-alcohol level will be happily regaled by you.

Life feels hard right now, Cancer, but you just need some perspective. The world is full of real problems, and you…well, your worst hardship is having to settle for a mocktail when you want a cocktail. But the stars are recommending mocktails to you this week. What total BS. The stars are zillions of light years away, and arguably their recommendations are therefore zillions of years old. Read no further; go and get drunk.

Leo, you suddenly realize you’ve been living behind a façade. Look at yourself in the mirror…who the hell are you anyway? Getting to know the real you may take time and involve a stack of gooey self-help books, which sounds like totally boring busy-work. Instead of engaging in an uphill battle to know thyself, learn to love the fake you—then mix yourself a glitzy gin-and-Goldschlager to celebrate the joys of artificiality.

You’ve worked so hard, Virgo. You’ve slaved away and put everything you had into a project at work, only to receive faint praise. Nor are you happy with the results. As for what your boss thinks…you might need a cardboard box. You certainly need a supply of Hypnotiq, Blue Curacao, and Malibu. Because when you’re blue, there’s nothing like a blue drink.

Libra, you are fretting about small things. Cut yourself some slack. With all your worrying, you’ve barely noticed that you have a well-dressed admirer. The stars (which don’t like being wrong) say this potential flirtation features an Aries, an Aquarius, or a Gemini. Talk about hedging your bets, stars. But they also call for shots of Bailey’s and butterscotch schnapps, so you can’t very well argue.

Your personal life is out of control, Scorpio. Since this is fairly normal for you, there’s no need to sweat it. Distract yourself by rearranging the furniture or discovering what you get when you combine red wine and rum in equal parts, then toss some random fruits into it (the booze, not the furniture). Maintain a permanent vat of this on your coffee table and you’ll never want for visitors.

Sagittarius, you get a break from being designated driver, which calls for a big Stolichnaya-Jagermeister bender. But don’t get so hammered that you won’t realize it when a drunken friend tries to get behind the wheel. Peel that moron out of his/her car, moralize drunkenly, and call a cab. Drinking is awesome—we don’t need it spoilt by idiots.

A charity hits you up for money, Capricorn. If you don’t agree with its message, don’t feel pressured to give. If you do agree, by all means give, but save some cash for the liquor cabinet. Maybe you can volunteer time rather than money? Otherwise you won’t be able to afford this week’s celestial recommendation: Vana Tallinn. Plus you’ll meet cool new people volunteering (maybe an interesting Leo). But watch out for “frenemies” this week!

Aquarius, are you by any chance an organ donor? Consider filling out a card this week; practically everything barring your liver should be usable. If that’s a little too morbid for you, why not donate blood? Unless it’s full of rum. Come to think of it, maybe you could just be nice to people this week…which you usually are anyway. Hmmm, what do the stars suggest, then? Just go and get a haircut or something.

Pisces, this week features unlikely meetings with people you thought you’d never see again. If you’ve been hankering for social connection, this is a good thing. If you’re in the witness protection program, this is a bad thing. Accordingly, be careful whether you stay in or go outside. If you have a partner, life may get turbulent this week. Smooth it out with as much Kahlua as you can absorb.

ASTROLIQUOR for August 31 to September 6—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Although bar fights are nothing strange to you, Aries, you can expect a rough one this week. You’ll beat the crap out a Libra, which will give you a sense of satisfaction, even though you’ll eventually have to apologize (possibly through some sort of restorative justice mechanism prescribed by court…OMG, what the hell are the stars saying you’re going to do to this Libra??) Is this what comes of combining tequila, rum, vodka, triple sec, gin, and Razzmatazz? Holy shit, Aries, I don’t like your stars this week.

Taurus, watch your diet this week. If you cut back on solid foods you can accommodate a big vat of eggnog. In fact, you should have an eggnog party on Sunday. You’ll need a bunch of egg yolks plus whole cream, some other stuff, and two cups of rum. Mmmmmm…totally worth skipping solids. In fact, if you really want to cut calories, leave out all the ingredients except the rum. That’s the best kind of eggnog.

You often listen without hearing, Gemini, but if you pay close attention to the stars, they’re telling you to layer equal parts of Kahlua, Bailey’s, and creme de cacao in a shot glass (or a tumbler), top with a splash of vodka, and ahhhhhhh! It won’t improve your listening abilities, especially if you opt for the tumbler, but it sure says “early weekend.”

Your persuasive powers peak this week, Cancer. Try not to be evil; you are very influential right now. 😉 Weirdly enough, the stars don’t recommend alcohol (because they’re worried about you being evil), but I trust you. So go ahead and mix up some tequila with milk. Stir (don’t shake) and slam it back, then have an orange wedge. This is all the evil you need.

Leo, someone’s crushing on you but you’re distracted and you totally miss it. It’s uncharacteristic for you to lose out on a mating opportunity, but if you pay attention, you’ll finally notice this interested Gemini. Maybe if you just lay off the cherry vodka for a while, you’ll notice all kinds of people and things. You might even remember to brush your teeth.

Try to avoid snap judgments about people this week, Virgo. Outward appearances aren’t trustworthy, and you’ve been fine-tuning your intuition for a while now, so dig a little deeper when you’re assessing someone. Meanwhile, others are assessing you. You’ve been going through a lot of mental changes lately, both positive (shedding cares about material wealth) and negative (waking up with the Jagermeister shakes). The stars suggest cutting the Jager with Red Bull (dumbass stars).

Libra, you’re feeling the weight of obligations, and noticing when others don’t step up to fulfill theirs. You have to know this makes you annoying and, depending how much you broadcast your resentment, maybe even a douche. Just don’t let the half-hearted performance of other people put you off achieving your own goals. If you must, screw other people and have a bottle of Tanqueray to yourself.

Determination is your key word this week, Scorpio. Whatever you set out to do, you can do it—even things you normally suck at. Now’s the time to ask for a raise or go after a better job. You are more powerful than Xenu this week (or at least Tom Cruise). Don’t let this special astrological power pass! Go after your heart’s desire, then celebrate with some Chambord.

Sagittarius, the hard times are ending, but not just yet. You can just see the clearing up ahead, so hang tough. Like a rotten parting shot, this bleak time will end with something in your house breaking. Don’t worry, it’s not critical; you can live without a vacuum cleaner or a dishwasher. So long as it’s not a bar shelf! OMG, it would suck if all your bottles crashed and broke. There you’d be in a puddle of glass shards and Southern Comfort, slurping your precious booze out of the carpet. (Make sure your bar shelf is secure!)

You go berserk for some art this week, Capricorn. Whatever it is—sculpture, sketch, painting—you must have it immediately. But be careful with your money; something in house house will break this week, and if you’ve spent all your funds on art, how will you pay for the repair? (And how will you maintain your tequila levels?)

Aquarius, you’ll meet a fascinating, sexually charged stranger this week, and after a couple of bourbons he/she will no longer be a stranger. In fact, you’ll discover all sort of mutual friends and interests. The more intimate you become, the more similarities will emerge. And just wait till you see each other’s photo albums. OMG! You’re related.

Pisces, you’ve got nothing going on this week. Nada. The stars used it all up on the other signs. This pisses you off, because you hoped for some action—an affair maybe, or a flirtation. Nope. Nothing. Just you by yourself. Lots of people like being by themselves. They pick up a book or watch a movie or call some friends. But you don’t feel like it, and the stars are laying on a walloping dose of self-pity. So you alternate shots of lime Bacardi with belts of Corona. (Sounds okay to me.)