fun

JAMESON IRISH WHISKEY

The last time we had this in the house it was earmarked for—get this—an Irish cream cheesecake, i.e., another profligate waste of decent booze. For all my mother’s claims to Irish heritage, she doesn’t have the first clue what Irish liquor is actually for, so instead of drinking it she chucks it into cakes that spend an hour burning off their alcohol content in the oven.

This is very frustrating.

Nevertheless I did get a chance to taste the dregs of the aforementioned airline-sized bottle before it was sacrificed to gluttony rather than drunkenness.

For $33, JAMESON IRISH WHISKEY, in sufficient quantities, would totally get the job done. It’s a little rough and unfocused—fruity, nutty, a touch metallic even—but there’s nothing disturbing or offensive about it. With a moderate burn and a short finish, it suggests itself for Irish coffee and hints at the flavors in Bailey’s, so at least my mum picked the right booze for her greedy project.

I’d be perfectly content to sip JAMESON straight up, and I advise the same for my mother, the expansion of whose ass is a threat to smallish animals like myself who tend to get left under couch cushions, etc. Then she could say: “I’ve gone on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already!” instead of needing to visit Walmart for fat pants and ending up on the internet in one of those people-of-Walmart photos.

I highly RECOMMEND not monkeying around with this awesome triple-distilled blended whiskey, and drinking it.

 

 

 

POLAR ICE Vodka

My Fellow Inebriates,

I was attracted to POLAR ICE for obvious reasons. With a bear on the label, you can’t go wrong. With its reasonable price and plastic mickey, POLAR ICE struck me as unpretentious and safely shatterproof—not to mention as bear-friendly as a vodka can get without devising some sort of opening mechanism for thumbless bears who lack grip strength.

So my first order of business this week was to procure a bottle of POLAR ICE and reel around with it.

For twelve bucks ($24 for 750 mL) I expected something on the rough side, and so my first taste of POLAR ICE was a shock, albeit a clean, refreshing one. This is a smooth, smooth vodka, quadruple-distilled from rye, and the sort of spirit that easily disappears into a mixer. This is exactly the sort of vodka that gets bears into trouble.

And so I plied my friend Glen Bear with some POLAR ICE. Now, Glen is a genuine polar bear; he’s big and brawny and goes around on all fours. Permanently infantile and for IQ purposes pushing the high 20s, Glen is as dumb an animal as you can find. But I thought it fitting to share my vodka with a lovable polar bear, and Glen was hanging around, drooling slightly.

Glen loved it. If I’d had any doubts about embracing this cheap(ish) vodka, they were vanquished watching Glen lumber drunkenly around the house after lapping POLAR ICE out of a bowl.

You have to be careful with polar bears, I realize now. I should have remembered my mum has this friend whose dad was in the armed forces up north, and one time he saw a polar bear trying to take down a helicopter while holding a seal under its arm. They are powerful creatures and you really don’t want to get them too f#cked up. So I had to comfort Glen a little, and spoon with him until he got himself under control.

All in all, another good adventure, and good reason to RECOMMEND this product.

ASTROLIQUOR for October 28-November 3

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Here’s something to keep you busy today, Aries:

Mix equal parts of Jack Daniel’s and Jim Beam, then chase with Labatt Blue. Have…say… seven, and don’t pick any fights.

You need something sweet and fun today, Taurus, so break into the Hallowe’en stash a little early and throw some Pop Rocks into a shot glass of melon liqueur. Knock it back, then do five more. Now you’re ready for anything.


You’re a drinker with a split personality, Gemini, so let’s pit your two sides against each other and see what emerges. Pour equal parts Goldschlager and Sambuca into a shot glass and savor. Can you do six?

Intuitive and sentimental, Cancers need pretty, happy drinks to keep their mood out of the toilet, so how about a Tequila Sunrise?  You just need ice in a tall glass with two shots of tequila, a drizzle of grenadine and some orange juice.

Leos love sunny, tropical flavors, so throw some banana liqueur into a tall glass of Sprite and you’re ready to start running around naked.


Where would a Virgo be without measured shot glasses? Your OCD approach to bartending guarantees that not a drop gets wasted—nor will you often get drunk without intending it. This should keep you happy:

  • 1 1/2 oz Absolut® Mandrin vodka
  • 1/2 oz Cointreau® orange liqueur
  • 2 – 3 oz cranberry juice
  • 2 – 3 oz orange juice

Stir it up in a tall glass with ice.

Since you’re so good at holding your liquor, Libra, this Bear Dozer recipe should test your mettle: equal parts Jack Daniel’s, tequila, and cherry whiskey. Pour into shot glasses and pound several.

Calm your demons with a raspberry martini today, Scorpio, preferably before work or going online. In a cocktail shaker, mix vodka and Chambord in a 2:1 ratio, then add a tablespoon of lime juice. That should keep you from being a dink.

Sagittarius folk are the travelers of the drinking world, and they range far and wide in search of novelty. Your assignment today is to take one of your craft beers and throw two shots of Bacardi 151 into it, set it on fire and pound it. YEAH!


Here’s something dignified for Capricorn, the most conservative sign:

  • 1.5 oz bourbon whiskey
  • 0.5 oz sweet sherry
  • 1 teaspoon bitters
  • 3 oz orange juice
  • 3 oz lemonade

Shake the first four ingredients with ice, then pour the lemonade over it. At first this will look elegant; later not so much when it comes back up.

No messing around today, Aquarius, you need some energy, so grab a Red Bull and add two shots of vodka to it. Now you can be productive.

Jails are full of Pisces, so here’s something to keep you busy. Stay indoors mixing/drinking this:

  • 2 oz lemon vodka
  • 1 oz Grand Marnier
  • 0.5 oz cranberry puree
  • 3 splashes lemon juice
  • 2.5 oz lemonade
  • 1 oz orange juice

Drink repeatedly all day and don’t venture outside.