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ASTROLIQUOR for Jan. 27 to Feb. 2—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Some big changes are happening with your playtime, Aries, but how satisfying those changes are will depend on who you meet this week, and how much money the two of you can pool together for alcohol. Your new friend has a thing for sloe gin and brandy with some lemon and bitters. Go with it, but aim for the cheap stuff—one of your bigger appliances is going to need fixing/replacing this week, and it might be your beer fridge.

Taurus, your computer is acting up. Do you have a savvy friend to help? If not, it’s time to go trawling at the bar for geeks. You know how to find them—they like their martinis with gin and vermouth. Oh wait—you like gin martinis. They like weird stuff like Aperol, so long as you tell them Mr. Spock likes it too. Buy a round and get one of them to fix your computer.

Oh no, Gemini, you’ve stepped on the scale and had a shock this week. If you think the number is too high, make a list of the foods you eat every day. Then cross half of them off and substitute tequila. Worried about vitamins? Add some grapefruit and lime juice, plus a little triple sec. Be careful, though…somebody’s going to be attracted to the new tequila-swilling you. Don’t lend this person money! You’ll never get it back, and he/she won’t buy you any tequila.

Your finances are messed up, Cancer. Time to draw up a budget and find out where all your cash is going. Over the next two weeks you’ll write everything down and even sort your expenses into categories. Good job! Reward yourself by replenishing your liquor cabinet. You’re probably out of Grand Marnier, and you deserve a nice gin as well…say, Broker’s Gin. Friday is big for romance, and the person you pick up that day is the one. Say yes to that tat with his/her initials.

Leo, the memory dropouts are getting to you this week. You’ve lost something particular—something small but meaningful that fails to turn up even when you tear apart your house in a drunken rampage. Finally you’ll replace it, but you’ll still be upset with yourself for blacking out so thoroughly. Self-recrimination like this is unhealthy. Make yourself this chill-out recipe:

  • 2 oz Bacardi 151
  • 1 oz Malibu
  • Pineapple and cranberry juice to taste (I’m having “none”)

Pour the ingredients into an ice-filled Collins glass and stir. There! All better.

This week calls for physical improvement, Virgo, even if you just trade the elevator for the stairs, although you’ll miss the weirdos in the elevator. Somebody at work is going to ask you for a loan, but don’t be fooled by the minor sum requested. It’s a tip-of-the-iceberg, slippery-slope kind of request, meaning this person is going to be on your ass forever if you lend any money this time. Tell him/her you’ve earmarked your wealth for tricking out your bar. Then buy some exotic brandy and pound it with mango juice.

Libras are not always good at seizing the day, and you probably have a list of impulses you’ve been ignoring. Wouldn’t it be nice to visit an unfamiliar bar and meet some strange new people? Go on, it will make you feel truly alive. What other impulses could you satisfy? Don’t even think about it—if you hesitate you’ll miss out! My favorite impulse is this one: Take a half-full bottle of whiskey (not half-empty!) and pour triple sec and lemonade into it. Give it a shake and guzzle the whole thing. That, my Libra friend, is living.

Uh oh, make sure you have a cold compress in the freezer, Scorpio—not just because of your proclivities with alcohol, but because you’ll have one owie after another this week: elbows, toes, you name it. And this is before you mix up that vat of beer, vodka and orange juice and down the whole thing. (About that: use plastic instead of glass because you’re gonna drop it.) It’s really the sort of week that calls for hiding inside. With physical injuries and broken china at every step, you won’t even want to get up. Oh yeah, and your blender might break, so no blender drinks.

Sagittarius, you’ll encounter a hot stranger this week, and your turbulent mating will give you a brief taste of pure joy. At times you’ll feel the two of you share a brain—you’ll be licking creme de cacao off each other and think you’ve met your destiny. And then you’ll suddenly get bored. Luckily you have some distractions, so you won’t get morose. It’s a good career week, and you’ll change gears to work mode without even pausing.

You’re lusting after a Virgo at work, Capricorn. But you’re being a little inept about it. When you try to do this Virgo a good turn, other colleagues will notice and start dissing you for bringing your hormones to work in full force. This is a good lesson in subtlety. Up until this faux pas you’ve thought yourself pretty suave. Turns out you’re not! But it’s not your fault. You messed up because you go to work every day hammered on Malibu.

Aquarius, do NOT make any important decisions this week. No documents, no contract, no selling your house, no getting engaged—nada! Any decision with long-term consequences must be avoided until the stars look upon you more favorably. Even if it means holing up in your apartment and drinking Big Gulp-sized cups of Everclear, Bacardi and Clan MacGregor whisky (with Gatorade for the  electrolytes you’ll inevitably donate later to the toilet), do not—seriously—sign anything.

Pisces, one of your friends has a medical condition that greatly concerns you. It’s affecting your emotional well-being; you can’t concentrate to tie your shoes, and you’re walking around with your underwear inside out (i.e., with visible skid mark). Stop mooning about your friend’s diagnosis—just go and get tested. It’s just chlamydia, but don’t worry; after you finish your antibiotics you can drink some more.

ASTROLIQUOR for Jan. 23-29—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

People are trying to force you to be someone you’re not, Aries, but they are in for a fight. You’re not going to be cornered, nor are you going to be diplomatic. It’s not just because of all the alcohol in your system; it’s because you can be a real dick when your mind’s made up. If someone offers you a beer, you’ll insist on taking your own bizarre path. Might as well try this:

  • 3 oz banana schnapps
  • 5 oz strawberry schnapps
  • 3 oz half-and-half cream

Drink it all day just to make your point. Then barf on your tormentors.

Taurus, you have to pull yourself together! Go out and enjoy yourself—joke around, say hi to strangers, think about mating. You have tons of energy and imagination, and people are ready to listen to you. Since you’re in party mode, here’s a party drink:

  • 3 oz orange juice
  • 2 oz pineapple juice
  • 1 kiwi
  • 5 strawberries
  • 1/4 cup watermelon

Blend it all up with ice and pour it into a pina colada glass. Ahhh! Who says it’s too cold?

You’re feeling lonely, Gemini, and you’re worried about letting people down. Sometimes people with your star sign experience feelings of inferiority and hurt pride. But that’s what alcohol is for. You’ll find that if you make the effort to reach out, your friends will be ready to get loaded with you. How about setting some drinks on fire? Try igniting a mixture of Kahlua and sambuca, then throwing Bailey’s and Blue Curacao on top of it. That will make you feel special.

You need more sleep than you think, Cancer. Somehow passing out doesn’t count as proper rest, so you have to coordinate your drinking a bit better so you can sober up at work instead of wasting your nighttime sleep hours burning off alcohol. It’s tricky, but you’re smart enough. Drinking at work has another side benefit, too: you’ll be less inhibited with your coworkers, one of whom has a little crush on you. Needless to say, vodka is a nice odorless choice for the office, but I’d still add some Blue Curacao.

Leo, you’re in a romantic dreamland, unable to focus, drifting from art to music to drama. You can’t decide—to party or to be alone? To spend or to save? To hang inside or go streaking? All this vacillation stems from lack of energy. Grab a caffeinated energy drink and throw some raspberry vodka shots into it. Shake it up and pound it. That’ll get your head on straight.

This is a good week for gambling, Virgo, whether on the stock market or at the casino. You’re not bulletproof, though—you have a tendency to keep playing after your luck has run out. This is where alcohol comes in: As soon as you sense you’ve peaked, reallocate your wallet to the bar and buy yourself some vodka/grape juice martinis. But watch out for an obnoxious Sagittarius who doesn’t have an “indoor voice.” This person will be such a nuisance that others will offer to punch him/her out for you. Take them up on it.

Libra, you can’t change other people; you can only change yourself. But why change at all? You’re having a very social week and bumping into all sorts of new people who’ll dig you for you. Have you ever mixed bourbon with a whole bunch of fruit in the blender and tossed red currants into it? You should totally do that and share it with your new friends.

This is a time for regrouping, assessing, and committing to hard work, Scorpio. But it’s also a good time for downing a bottle of red wine. Sometimes you get very manic when you decide to revamp your life, and alcohol has a good tempering effect. You have plenty of time—nothing will change drastically until April (when you start putting away boxes of wine instead of bottles).

Sagittarius, the next few months promise spiritual discovery and profound intuition. You are more open-minded than you have been in weeks. But it’s not a good time to take on new projects at work. You are too messed up with vodka (the catalyst for your developing Third Eye). If the visions come on too strong, mix that vodka with something—how about some ice cream plus Kahlua and Bailey’s? As good as a meal.

This is a good week to boss people around, Capricorn. You’re a natural leader with so much charisma that people are chomping at the bit to follow you. When you’re this powerful, you can get away with anything, so fill up that flask. Not just with odorless vodka—add some apricot brandy, knowing that you are truly untouchable (at least for a while).

Wow, Aquarius, there are a whole bunch of constellations coinciding in your part of the sky, and that makes you feel superhuman. Don’t jump off the roof, though; keep at least a partial grip on reality. Try to calm down a bit with some nice boozy coffee:

  • 1 cup coffee
  • 1 oz vodka
  • 0.5 oz Kahlua
  • 0.5 oz amaretto
  • Whipped cream and sugar to taste

Practice making this drink because you’re going to meet someone in April who enjoys lovely, sensuous beverages.

Pisces, you’re back to work again—congratulations! But keep a low profile; nobody really knows you yet and it’s probably best to keep it that way. If you’re planning to embezzle money, for example, you certainly don’t want any higher-ups to know who you are. You’ll find you have access to many beautiful and expensive things. Be careful! When you’re staggering around on a blackberry schnapps bender it’s all too easy to break the crystal.

BROKER’S GIN—Part 6!

My Fellow Inebriates,

I suspect Julia Gale of Broker’s Gin likes me quite a bit.

I know, I know, that’s not very modest, but she’s sent me some very lovely messages lately. True, they’re mostly reassurances that I’m not forgotten—*sniff*—even though Martin Dawson and Andy Dawson couldn’t fit me into their Vancouver business trip.

The important thing is that they accomplish their mission: reestablishing Broker’s Gin on the BCLS shelves.

Whether or not they succeed, I feel that Julia and I have definitely established a solid friendship. And whatever they are paying her at Broker’s Gin…they should double it. No, triple it.

Just look at some of our conversation snippets:

“refined and distinguished”

“recovering from the compliments”

“sausage fest”

“small handcuffs”

“bed and/or sofa-ridden”

“cavity searching in my absence”

“bear fetish”

“unnatural acts”

“herding eels”

“safe word”

“between Barry White and a pornstar”

“slippery with velvet paw pads”

“mouth-breather”

“yours ever”

“Toodlepip!”

All right, so I might have said a lot of those things…but I still think Julia gets me somehow.

I think she genuinely wants me to drink gin.