My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

People are trying to force you to be someone you’re not, Aries, but they are in for a fight. You’re not going to be cornered, nor are you going to be diplomatic. It’s not just because of all the alcohol in your system; it’s because you can be a real dick when your mind’s made up. If someone offers you a beer, you’ll insist on taking your own bizarre path. Might as well try this:

• 3 oz banana schnapps
• 5 oz strawberry schnapps
• 3 oz half-and-half cream

Drink it all day just to make your point. Then barf on your tormentors.

Taurus, you have to pull yourself together! Go out and enjoy yourself—joke around, say hi to strangers, think about mating. You have tons of energy and imagination, and people are ready to listen to you. Since you’re in party mode, here’s a party drink:

• 3 oz orange juice
• 2 oz pineapple juice
• 1 kiwi
• 5 strawberries
• 1/4 cup watermelon

Blend it all up with ice and pour it into a pina colada glass. Ahhh! Who says it’s too cold?

You’re feeling lonely, Gemini, and you’re worried about letting people down. Sometimes people with your star sign experience feelings of inferiority and hurt pride. But that’s what alcohol is for. You’ll find that if you make the effort to reach out, your friends will be ready to get loaded with you. How about setting some drinks on fire? Try igniting a mixture of Kahlua and sambuca, then throwing Bailey’s and Blue Curacao on top of it. That will make you feel special.

You need more sleep than you think, Cancer. Somehow passing out doesn’t count as proper rest, so you have to coordinate your drinking a bit better so you can sober up at work instead of wasting your nighttime sleep hours burning off alcohol. It’s tricky, but you’re smart enough. Drinking at work has another side benefit, too: you’ll be less inhibited with your coworkers, one of whom has a little crush on you. Needless to say, vodka is a nice odorless choice for the office, but I’d still add some Blue Curacao.

Leo, you’re in a romantic dreamland, unable to focus, drifting from art to music to drama. You can’t decide—to party or to be alone? To spend or to save? To hang inside or go streaking? All this vacillation stems from lack of energy. Grab a caffeinated energy drink and throw some raspberry vodka shots into it. Shake it up and pound it. That’ll get your head on straight.

This is a good week for gambling, Virgo, whether on the stock market or at the casino. You’re not bulletproof, though—you have a tendency to keep playing after your luck has run out. This is where alcohol comes in: As soon as you sense you’ve peaked, reallocate your wallet to the bar and buy yourself some vodka/grape juice martinis. But watch out for an obnoxious Sagittarius who doesn’t have an “indoor voice.” This person will be such a nuisance that others will offer to punch him/her out for you. Take them up on it.

Libra, you can’t change other people; you can only change yourself. But why change at all? You’re having a very social week and bumping into all sorts of new people who’ll dig you for you. Have you ever mixed bourbon with a whole bunch of fruit in the blender and tossed red currants into it? You should totally do that and share it with your new friends.

This is a time for regrouping, assessing, and committing to hard work, Scorpio. But it’s also a good time for downing a bottle of red wine. Sometimes you get very manic when you decide to revamp your life, and alcohol has a good tempering effect. You have plenty of time—nothing will change drastically until April (when you start putting away boxes of wine instead of bottles).

Sagittarius, the next few months promise spiritual discovery and profound intuition. You are more open-minded than you have been in weeks. But it’s not a good time to take on new projects at work. You are too messed up with vodka (the catalyst for your developing Third Eye). If the visions come on too strong, mix that vodka with something—how about some ice cream plus Kahlua and Bailey’s? As good as a meal.

This is a good week to boss people around, Capricorn. You’re a natural leader with so much charisma that people are chomping at the bit to follow you. When you’re this powerful, you can get away with anything, so fill up that flask. Not just with odorless vodka—add some apricot brandy, knowing that you are truly untouchable (at least for a while).

Wow, Aquarius, there are a whole bunch of constellations coinciding in your part of the sky, and that makes you feel superhuman. Don’t jump off the roof, though; keep at least a partial grip on reality. Try to calm down a bit with some nice boozy coffee:

• 1 cup coffee
• 1 oz vodka
• 0.5 oz Kahlua
• 0.5 oz amaretto
• Whipped cream and sugar to taste

Practice making this drink because you’re going to meet someone in April who enjoys lovely, sensuous beverages.

Pisces, you’re back to work again—congratulations! But keep a low profile; nobody really knows you yet and it’s probably best to keep it that way. If you’re planning to embezzle money, for example, you certainly don’t want any higher-ups to know who you are. You’ll find you have access to many beautiful and expensive things. Be careful! When you’re staggering around on a blackberry schnapps bender it’s all too easy to break the crystal.