drinking

ASTROLIQUOR for Dec. 16-22: What the stars say you should drink

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

This week sucks for you, Aries, but you’ll have to accept the mantle of Designated Driver. Even when you go out with friends who promise to be DD, they will let you down. So it’s fruit juice for you when you’re out, but make sure you have a nice bottle of wine for yourself when you’ve discharged your driving duties.

Taurus, your relationships with people are going to take a beating this week. Don’t hit the unfriend button yet; they’re only being temporary douchebags. For now, stay away from people and drink alone. You can do a lot of things with Skyy melon vodka, and there’s more left for you if you take the antisocial road. Try mixing it with 7-Up, sweet-and-sour mix, and a squeeze of lemon.

You had money coming a couple of weeks ago, but now you’ve spent it and things are a bit worrisome, Gemini. You’re going to be bumming drinks until the end of February. Stretch your vodka and gin by adding juice, crushed ice, sugar—whatever gives you more sipping time. It’s a drag to be busted, so make sure you don’t buy anything more expensive than Smirnoff.

Cancer, you’ve been ignoring your family and your ass is spreading all over your chair from spending 12 hours a day on the Internet. Try getting so drunk that you can’t read anything at all. It’ll be refreshing for you, and nice for your family to see you reeling around again. The best shortcut to inebriation: Southern Comfort with a touch of tonic and lime.

Stop rushing around, Leo, it’s stressing you out and it’s not very efficient in the end. The world will go on whether you are sober or drunk, so get plastered with a case of beer.

If you planned your days better, Virgo, you’d have more “you” time. Haha, just kidding, you have lots of “you” time. I see you spending it with a bottle of Bacardi 151 and some tabasco.

You often wait for people to call or email you, Libra, but it’s time for you to take some initiative. Find some people at the supermarket and invite them over. Make them Bailey’s-and-rum shots. If they ask you who the hell you are, invite them to rub lotion on you.

You’ll hear from an old friend you’ve been out of touch with, Scorpio. This easy-to-please pal will forget any ways you’ve been a jerk and happily go to work mixing drinks with you. But let’s face it, it’s awkward falling back into conversation with old friends, so you should fast-track getting wasted. Here’s a delightful recipe that will occupy you both so those uncomfortable silences don’t intrude on your reunion.

  • 3 oz gin
  • 1.5 oz Southern Comfort
  • 1 oz lemon liqueur
  • 1 oz peach liqueur
  • 1 oz lemon juice
  • 1 oz simple syrup
  • 1 oz peach juice (where the hell do you get that? ask your friend to bring it)

Sagittarius, it’s time to paint the house, literally. You have to choose your colors wisely, though, so make your trip to Benjamin Moore before you throw this wicked recipe together:

  • 3 oz tequila
  • 2 oz Malibu
  • 2 oz mango-flavored vodka
  • 2 oz pineapple liqueur
  • 1 oz Grand Marnier
  • Hawaiian Punch to taste (I’m using “none”)

Another good reason to do your paint shopping first: you don’t want to be an asshole and drive after consuming this.

Take the plunge this week, Capricorn. Regardless of what it is, go big or go home. Plug in appliances without reading the manual; book a vacation without reading the fine print; and make awesome drinks like this one:

  • 1 oz sloe gin
  • 1 oz advocaat
  • 1 oz cherry brandy

Layer all three kinds of booze into shot glasses. He who hesitates is lost—pound them.

It’s not a good week for you to go outside, Aquarius, because the stars are predicting your bike will get stolen or wrecked. Obviously transportation and drinking don’t mix, so you’ll wisely stay home to drown your sorrows. Here’s your beverage:

  • Equal parts gin, vodka, pineapple juice and orange soda
  • Splash of grenadine and a brandy to taste

After you’ve had six or so, someone important will phone you—probably offering you a coveted job or opportunity. You’ll be too shitfaced to articulate an answer.

Pisces, just because you don’t have money, you shouldn’t stop spending. Every drink bought for an acquaintance is a chance at networking. Pretty soon you’ll be out of the job you hate and into one of those cushy (mythical?)  liquid-lunch office jobs. Stick with vodka so the odor doesn’t betray how loaded you are.

The secret message Rick Perry’s really sending (plus a drink)

A little bit of Monday randomness:

First things first. Want a giggle? Here are two videos, 30 seconds apiece. Don’t worry; when you click them, they’ll open in a new window.

Here’s the first one:

Hahahahaha! What a tool.

Okay, here’s the improved version:

YEAH!

And here’s a special drink to toast the translation of Perry’s messed-up message into something coherent.

Ahhh! A Ricktard for breakfast.

The Ricktard:

  • 5 oz Absolut vodka
  • 3 oz lemonade
  • 2 oz club soda

“Fill glass with ice, pour in vodka, then lemonade, then club soda. To mix, pour in separate glass, then back into original. Enjoy. Nicely.” – Drinks Mixer

LABATT BLUE

My Fellow Inebriates,

There is a time and a place for mass-market beer. The hockey game, on my couch.

This is where mainstream beer really shines—you can drink it fast with no pretentious tasting pressures, and it gets you nice and gooned. My good friend Jean-Guy recommends starting a case of LABATT BLUE just as Don Cherry starts mouthing off before the hockey game, then stretching it out for the next couple of hours. Perfect. Neither item distracts from the other: beer and hockey synergize into a perfectly anaesthetizing pocket of time.

Jean-Guy has all sort of other ideas about alcohol. He was the dude who first urged me to mix Stolichnaya and Smirnoff in a 50:50 on pointless-feeling days.

I barely know anything about hockey. I’m usually looped before the puck gets dropped. But as a Canadian bear I like to be semi-present for a game once in a while. What I can’t decide about hockey is, Is it emblematic of Canada? Or is it a meathead sport? What does “offside” mean? It seems to mean a couple of different things.

Mostly Don Cherry hurts my eyes with his outfits. Sure, that’s his gimmick, and I do have a soft spot for unusual visuals, but I think most people would prefer him naked to seeing these fashions.

Cherry does explain some of his get-ups. He has worn his pink suit, for instance, to thumb his nose at the left. “I’m wearing pink for all the pinkos out there that ride bicycles and everything.” Wow, so cool.

Don Cherry triggers me to drink LABATT BLUE, and fast. This last part is key, because LABATT BLUE has little to recommend it tastewise.

Less visually assaulting

Straw-colored with a quickly dissipating fizz, LABATT BLUE feels empty and light in the mouth, with a bit of a twangy, metallic funk. It has a pleasant crispness that is dependent on its being cold—hence the importance of pounding the case quickly.

As far as macro beers go, LABATT BLUE isn’t the worst, simply because it’s not memorable in any aspect. It’s an entirely appropriate accompaniment to anything mediocre you plan to do.