drinking

ASTROLIQUOR for Jan. 6-12—what the stars say you should drink

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You have a lot of personal problems, Aries, but the outside world is even more messed up, which should give you some perspective. Distract yourself by redecorating your house. You’ll get the most interesting results if you do this drunk (but please, no power tools). This drink should inspire you:

  • 3 oz banana schnapps
  • 1 oz peach schnapps
  • 1 oz strawberry schnapps
  • Splash orange juice
  • Splash grenadine

Mix the first three, then add the last two. This might not be enough alcohol, in which case try doubling the recipe.

Taurus, you’ve often been the designated driver lately, a fact you’re starting to resent. If you can’t foist this duty off on somebody else (somebody responsible), stay home and drink Tequila Rose. Sometimes it’s best to drink alone, especially when you’re feeling taken advantage of.

Charities have started hitting you up for money, Gemini. That’s okay, as long as you believe in their goals. But if you find yourself short on drinking money, you might want to help out in non-financial ways, such as letting a drug addict stay at your house or stripping for the elderly. If altruism is wearing you out, relax with a hard-hitting drink—maybe some Bacardi 151 mixed with amaretto and Bailey’s.

You could do with some excitement, Cancer. Sometimes you need to force the issue and seek out uncomfortable situations. The best way to do this is in a drunken state so your judgment can’t impede any potential thrills. Look for weird people to hang out with; they’re often very accepting, and they might enjoy an exotic drink or two. Here’s a start:

  • 2 oz creme de cassis
  • Splash lime cordial
  • 4 oz Absolut Kurant
  • Splash raspberry juice
  • 1 cup lemonade (or none if you prefer)

Make a slushy in your blender. Everybody likes slushies, and they’ll like you for making them one.

Friday is a big day for your love life, Leo, which means you should probably have a bath. Get ready to impress—this person could be your soul mate, which calls for a special drink. Shake copious but equal amounts of vodka, maple liqueur, Irish cream, creme de cacao, white chocolate liqueur, dark chocolate liqueur together with ice. Add half-and-half cream to taste. This is a great drink to share in bed, but if you make a habit of it you’ll need to be airlifted out of bed one day like those people on Maury Povich.

I see a fling with an exciting foreigner for you, Virgo, but don’t pin any long-term hope on this hook-up. Just enjoy his/her eclectic drink tastes and expand your horizons. Just for sport, try mixing Bailey’s, sambuca and rootbeer. Wow! See who can drink the most of this unusual beverage. Just when you’re pissed to the point where you can’t speak, a valued old friend will call to report being cured of an incurable disease. Magic! Is it true or is it a hallucination?

Libra, one of your friends is really choked at you over something you didn’t actually do. This sucks, because it’s draining energy from what was once a valuable friendship. You need to work it out, and what better facilitator is there than alcohol? Start innocently with chocolate milk, then add some brandy to it. Before long you’ll be either swinging at each other or trading back rubs.

Do you plan to be an organ donor, Scorpio? Let’s hope not, because that liver is getting pickled. Best to enjoy the ride on planet earth, which means drinking all the Drambuie and Kahlua you want. You’re getting the urge to color your hair—go for it! The crazier the better. There will be one dissenter among your friends who feels the need to criticize it. Don’t give this person any Drambuie or Kahlua; he/she won’t appreciate it.

Sagittarius, relationships and chance meetings are featured this week. You’ll be bumping into people everywhere, and at least one of them will be into you. Whether this develops into something serious will depend on your particular level of flakiness. Regardless, alcohol will help you out of those clothes. I see a Malibu/vodka bender with some Frangelico for extra panache.

An acquaintance is jealous of you, Capricorn. This is very upsetting and threatens your relationship, whether it be work-related or personal. Try not to stew about it. Loosen up with a happy drink, such as Midori melon liqueur with apple juice and gingerale. Don’t overdo it, though, and make sure you stow the car keys away. This week calls for caution around anything with moving parts—especially if your jealous friend is at the controls. I know, I know, that’s really creepy, but it was in the stars.

Ditch the pastel shades, Aquarius, and go after the vivid life you deserve. Get rid of anything bland, including boring wardrobe items. Now’s the time to step outside your comfort zone. Go ahead, embarrass yourself a little. Find one of those People of Walmart to give you fashion inspiration. Those people are numerous and happy to exhibit their special ideas. Reward them with Bailey’s and butterscotch shots. If they barf on your carpet, well, doesn’t that just make your life more colorful?

Pisces, you’re getting a lot of appeals for help lately. Maybe you’re in social work; maybe you just don’t look very busy. Let the supplicants know you’ll only help for a little while—i.e., until you’re too drunk to care about them. The easiest way to abbreviate your charity work is to drink constantly. But be careful… One of the people bugging you is secretly in love with you. Expect an unusual gift—some Jagermeister or Goldschlager, for example, along with an invitation to share. Watch out for over-sharing, though! This person has chlamydia.

How to keep those New Year’s resolutions—even if you’re an alcoholic

So how are we doing on our New Year’s resolutions, my fellow inebriates?

Apologies for the royal “we.” There are certainly no LB resolutions, unless you count the ongoing goal of opening bottles without benefit of thumbs.

Is it even particularly good for us to make New Year’s resolutions?

Psychologists say no, it isn’t. Fully three-quarters of the resolved fail in their pursuits, ending up more dispirited than before. Even simple resolutions—such as going to Walmart without exposing a private orifice—elude some people year after year.

The problem with resolutions is that by definition they focus on negative behaviors. Even when they’re couched in positive language, they tend to have an obvious dark side that starts beckoning after a few days or hours of the new year. Focusing on quitting drinking, as an obvious example, leads to obsessive thinking about alcohol. It’s true!

So how do people succeed at keeping resolutions?

  • They develop their own plans rather than heeding specious advice from self-help books and motivational gurus.
  • They make their resolutions long before the ball begins its New Year’s descent.
  • Their resolutions are realistic and well-considered, not whimsical.
  • Their resolutions are specific, unlike my friend Scarybear’s (“get more snacks in 2012”).
  • They make one resolution at a time.
  • They make their resolutions official by telling people about them, or at least journaling them.
  • They break the mountain up into small hills, so the journey isn’t overwhelming, and they get satisfaction in periodic increments.
  • They forgive themselves when they lapse. They understand it’s part of the process.
  • When they do slip, they don’t let all-or-nothing thinking negate the resolution entirely. They just continue.
  • They reward themselves for incremental successes.

But how do we apply all this shit now that it’s already 2012? Isn’t it too late to make resolutions?

Well, no…there’s nothing magical about New Year at all. In fact, New Year is one of the worst times to resolve to do anything. It’s winter, there’s food and drink everywhere, people are visiting, the mood is celebratory, the gym is crowded, and if you’re a bear you should really be hibernating.

Why not resolve to wait for the optimal time to do something? Then do it.

For me, that thing is discovering how to open wine bottles with my paws. Now that I know the year isn’t lost, I can still make it happen.

TALISKER 18

My Fellow Inebriates,

With New Year behind us and 363 days until the next one, it feels like a good time for an anti-drinking/driving message. We all want to survive for the next party, right?

Dumbass falls asleep with foot on gas pedal—rescued just before conflagration.

I started thinking about it when I read an interview with MI police officer Eric Hornbacher, who pulled a drunk from a burning car December 30—so soused that he’d fallen asleep with his foot on the gas pedal. The car was enflamed minutes after his rescue. Thankfully the would-be driver’s neighbors phoned the cops to say he’d been revving his engine for an hour. Lucky for him he was so loud—had he not made such a racket, the neighbors’ complaint wouldn’t have concerned noise— but rather a weird KFC-like odor coming from the street.

Drinking is awesome, but burning to death obviously sucks. This drunken idiot (who spent the night in jail, which beats the burn ward) really needed to take a page out of my friend Christine’s book. You see, the other night Christine visited with a canvas bag full of single malt scotch. Together we started drinking pale ale, progressed through two bottles of red wine, and finished with samples of three gorgeous whiskies.

At which time Christine did not get into her car, slump across the wheel and rev the engine until the car exploded. Instead she retired to our messy guest room for the night.

This is why Christine is so smart, and partly why she is my newest best friend. Any woman who shows up with a bag full of whiskey is okay in my book, but the three she brought were exceptional. She even left them out after she went to bed, although my paws suffered the typical defeat at attempting to pry them open.

Christine is actually perfect. I think, if she had known me a little better, she might have even suggested a dram in the morning. But I guess it didn’t strike her as kid-friendly at the breakfast table. Perhaps she reckoned my parents to be too boring. Perhaps if we’d been alone…

But on to the TALISKER 18. Apparently this stuff is as scarce as hens’ teeth, but Christine is savvy about scotch; she espied the bottle at a specialty shop in Vancouver. Immediately she recognized the treasure it was (unlike the shopkeeper, who parted with it very reasonably).

TALISKER 18, 2007’s “Best Single Malt in the World 2007,” is one of the peatier non-Islay products. The sole distillery on the Isle of Skye, Talisker dates back to 1830. The malt comes from Muir of Ord, the water from Cnoc nan Speireag, which flows over peat.

If you search for TALISKER 18, you’ll often find this: … and you may need a friend like Christine to locate some for you.

TALISKER 18 is leggy in the glass, the color a deep, golden amber. The first scents are of caramel, vanilla, honey and maple, with a floral essence aloft on those warming notes, balanced against the slightly medicinal tones of brine and iodine.

On the palate the peat is striking but not predominant; toffee and roasted nut flavors weigh against it, along with dried fruits and smoke. The mouthfeel is extravagant, almost buttery on the tongue. It coats the throat with an engulfing warmth, its peppery nuance emerging to join with the soft peat. It has a moderate but generous burn. This whiskey is polished, with every note in perfect harmony. Drinking it conjures up a damp seaside, with distant soot and smoke drifting across the senses. If it weren’t so evenly crafted, TALISKER 18 would constitute sensory overload. But its triumph is to balance on the head of a pin, like so many dancing angels.

I’m grateful to Christine for this glimpse of supernatural perfection. I am at her service forevermore, and—needless to say—am available for cuddles.