drinking

ASTROLIQUOR for May 11-17—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Expect to hear some nasty gossip about you and your family this week, Aries, spreading feverishly through your circle. So vitriolic is the rumor that it might take until July to refute it. Then in August you’ll find out who dissed you. You won’t be inviting this A-hole to your midsummer housewrecker! Too bad you’re so broke. You’ll be serving mainly leftover Malibu if you can get a friend to help you open the bottle.

Taurus, you need to keep a low profile this week, especially around decision makers. If you mouth off, you may find yourself on the curb holding a box of office supplies. Sadly this means you’ll have to go to work sober for a while. Wait until you get home to break out the giant box of red wine.

There’s not enough of you to go around, Gemini, but it’s flattering to have so many colleagues asking you for help. Your charisma and energy are high—it’s a good time to take the lead. Tell everyone to chill out about work and take a booze break. If you pool all the hidden alcohol in your office you should be able to find vodka, melon liqueur, and peach schnapps. Throw it into a bowl with whatever juice you can find in the communal fridge and voila: easy work day.

Time for something completely different, Cancer. Lose the TV remote and go outside with a picnic basket. OMG, you say, that sounds fantastic! What shall I put in the basket? Ahhhhh….

  • White rum
  • Sweet sherry
  • Tawny port
  • Drambuie
  • Gingerale (optional)

Now, we could mess around with proportions, etc., but I suggest just taking all the bottles and mixing them up in random ways. But be forewarned: this is the sort of picnic that attracts bears.

Leo, in every sense you are on this week. Work, love, and family are all thriving, and you can expect to attract a special new (platonic) friend this week. Make an effort not to be a tool and this person could become a lifetime friend. So don’t pretend that’s not vodka with amaretto in your flask. Share it around.

For some reason you’re being a jerk to a close friend, Virgo, even though you hotly deny it when accused. Like most neurotics you think you’re acting very rationally, but “rational” doesn’t usually go hand in hand with a headful of gin. Try to delay drinking until after work, then cut that gin with some tonic and peppermint schnapps. If, after that behavior mod, you’re still a jerk, you can blame the stars.

Libra, career is featured strongly, with management noticing your achievements. Just ignore the critics on the sidelines. Just because they can’t do a PowerPoint presentation while hammered on gin and blackberry brandy… As superheroic as you are at work, however, your personal life sucks! Try to at least be sober in the morning hours.

If you’re signing a new mortgage or financial contract, Scorpio, this is the time to get it done. Your stars shift to a sinister position within two weeks, and someone will try to con you. Exactly how this all shakes out is hard to picture right now. It’s hard to picture anything when you’re clinging to the bathroom floor after ralphing Jack Daniel’s and Goldschlager into the toilet.

Sagittarius, pay attention; there’s a Leo watching you with interest, and if you miss the signals you could miss out on a party. As inattentive as you seem to be about potential hook-ups, you’re even more oblivious to how well you’re doing at work. Congratulations—you’re in the career catbird seat and you don’t even know how you got there. Evidently Bacardi 151 makes you behave more professionally.

Go out every night this week, Capricorn, and you’ll be sure to make some new friends. One of these will stick and turn into a longterm friendship or even a romantic partnership. If this is too much pressure, load your brain up with vodka before going out. Just leave the car keys at home.

Aquarius, the chances of a relationship split are high right now owing to a weird constellation exerting more influence than usual. Whatever you might do that matters, do NOT do it on Thursday. In fact, don’t do anything on Thursday! Call in sick and pound some cheap Scotch. By the time you sober up and sort out your hangover (Saturday), the danger will have passed.

Pisces, try hard this week not to get swindled. You look gullible! No lending money unless you can afford to lose it. No picking up the tab for drinks, no matter how earnestly friends promise to get the next one. Your only ally this week will be a Capricorn who thinks you’re a dupe but likes you anyway. Unexpectedly this person may want to get with you, so ease off on the Kahlua, vodka, Bailey’s, and creme de menthe or you’ll end up just cuddling.

EMILIANA NOVAS GRAN RESERVA CARMENERE-CABERNET SAUVIGNON (2010)—A fruit supernova of the best kind

My Fellow Inebriates,

There’s no way to know if Fluffy has finally settled down. You may remember, for several weeks after he came to live with us he made a whole bunch of crazy paranormal shit happen—noises, cold spots, clogged toilets, falling toys, leaving the lids off markers. He was totally freaking me out, people, obviously channeling the ghost of his old owner, my deceased granny.

But the creepiest thing about Fluffy is his weird resemblance to my friend Scarybear, who is himself a sociopath, albeit more of the snack-obsessed, openly violent kind. I usually avoid Scary so he can’t fill my furry head with apocalyptic ideas, but every weekend the household bears watch Fringe with my parents, which both feeds Scary’s Armageddon preoccupation and allows him to convey it to me. And because the weekend Fringe ritual is usually accompanied by a glass of wine, whatever End of Days scenario Scary decides to propound that evening gets pumped into my brain cells while they’re flooded with alcohol.

The wine was just finished when Scary mentioned rogue black holes. When you’ve just consumed the last drops of an organic Chilean Carmenere-Cabernet Sauvignon like EMILIANA NOVAS GRAN RESERVA (2010), you may well be feeling bereft of something precious and therefore, because nature abhors a vacuum (which my head usually is), susceptible to screwball ideas. Suddenly the 10 million black holes astronomers estimate exist within the Milky Way seemed exceedingly threatening.

Fluffy remained impassive as Scary went on about black holes, the corpses of stars gone supernova, hurtling through our galaxy and pulling everything, even light, into their city-size (that’s minuscule!) maws. Holy crap, I didn’t know which was more terrifying—realizing we’d have no warning if one of these tiny monstrosities caromed through our solar system, or observing a weird-ass golem like Fluffy staring into space while mass destruction was being contemplated.

Not even Scarybear stares into space! As dumb as he is, his eyes register something—some hint of thought if not intelligence. Not Fluffy, though. Look into Fluffy’s eyes and you see nothing—a vast depth of nothing.

So at least we didn’t have to share any wine with him. Intensely dark and substantial, EMILIANA NOVAS GRAN RESERVA Carmenere-Cabernet Sauvignon immediately hits the nose with ripe berries and spice, released from your swirled glass with a heady rush. My mum and I found it a glorious olfactory assault, but my dad was more reserved; it took the wine 20 minutes to seduce him, and by the time it did, we had a fair head start on him.

NOVAS GRAN RESERVA does change markedly over 20 minutes, developing from a fruit orgy to a very structured, sophisticated wine. On the palate it shows firm tannins, excellent balance, and a mouth-filling intensity that lingers well beyond the sip.

EMILIANA has forged a good reputation for sustainable winemaking and a solid belief that organically grown grapes simply make better wine.

But can one drink a wine called NOVAS without thinking of supernovas and their dark legacies? Scary thought not, and weighed in on this unwelcomely, not feeling the least disqualified by his wine abstention to comment. No, indeed, if a rogue black hole headed our way it wouldn’t even need to enter our solar system to perturb the earth’s orbit, stretching it into an extreme ellipse or even detaching us from orbit and whipping it out into cold space. All this could happen very quickly, although there would be some time dilation close to the event horizon.

Scary seemed to relish this idea, Fluffy was completely indifferent to it, and I was freaking scared out of my wits. There was nothing for it but to attempt opening my grandparents’ homemade bottle so I could get thoroughly pissed. But I couldn’t manage it (as usual) and my parents refused to help. One of them said “There, there” and noted that at least the Milky Way’s black holes are mostly in orbit rather than pinging around the galaxy randomly, which was reassuring enough to quell my immediate worry and replace it with the persistent, ongoing one about Fluffy and his eerie agenda.

ASTROLIQUOR for May 4-10—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, deep down you really want to fall in love. Luckily for you the stars are lining up to grant your wish. Sometime between now and June you’ll fall head over heels in a sickening, poetry-writing, gooey romance. Of course ouzo and vodka will be involved, but it’s still the real deal! So get ready to tell your spouse about it and lawyer up.

Taurus, although you’re good at putting friends and family to work, you have trouble accepting help from strangers. This week you have to go outside your comfort zone, however, and recruit a colleague for an important task. Although this person has historically been a dick to you, he/she can be loosened up with some Red Bull and rum. Don’t think of it as taking advantage—you’re building karma for your coworker, so pass the flask.

Those psychiatric sessions are paying off, Gemini, balancing your emotions and turning you into something of a charmer. On your habitual drunken early-bird visit to a garage sale you discover that both an Aries and an Aquarius are taken with you. What a lovely dilemma! Make sure you follow your heart—when your head is full of cognac and vodka it’s too easy to pick randomly.

You’re in good spirits this week, Cancer, having solved a few nagging mental problems and discovered unknown inner strengths. You’re learning not to compare yourself to others, and to appreciate Canadian Club even when your neighbor is reeling around his yard with Crown Royal. You’ll have a nice flirtation with someone this week, but I’d leave that neighbor alone.

Leo, look carefully at your text messages and emails this week. Every communique, no matter how terse, contains subtext. Understandably subtext gets lost when you’ve spent the day sipping from a jug of Bailey’s, Goldschlager, and creme de menthe, but try to pay attention. In particular a colleague may be seeking your approval. It’s just good politics to play along.

You have a thing for an Aries, Virgo, even though you don’t actually like this person. This bad situation gains unfortunate traction from an ever-present travel mug of amaretto-and-Bailey’s coffee that you replenish furtively from a makeshift bar under your cubicle desk. Perhaps you should get some air before you decide to visit the supply closet with your Aries friend. No car keys for you!

Libra, you’re contemplating a self-improvement program featuring long walks. Not only will this make your body fit; your brain will benefit as well. Pickled as you’ve been all winter, you should gain some clarity pretty fast! It’s a new dawn for you, being sober throughout the day, but don’t forget to reward yourself later with some Irish cream and butterscotch schnapps.

Fear and hope take turns swooping in on you this week, Scorpio. You don’t have the funds to bail you out if your current business plan goes pear-shaped, but what the hell—you’re used to living this way. Not too many people have the stomach to hang with you, and that’s not a bad thing. Gambling looks dangerous this week, so stay inside and mix something up:

  • 2 oz bourbon
  • 2 oz vodka
  • 2 oz Tia Maria
  • 2 oz grapefruit juice

Sagittarius, the world looks very pretty this week. Your positive energy is at a peak, so how about a joyful blender drink?

  • 3 oz peach schnapps
  • 3 oz raspberry liqueur
  • 3 oz Frangelico
  • 3 oz cream
  • 1.5 cups vanilla ice cream
  • 4 oz raspberry jam

Puree that business up and let it cool your brain. You may need a walk afterwards, but the world will still be pretty—just spinning too.

Impetuous you’re not, Capricorn—at least not usually, but there are some weird stars in your chart causing you to be extra-gregarious and generally unprofessional. For instance, any cube farm worker knows vodka makes the best odor-free flask drink. So why is yours full of brandy and creme de menthe? Nobody’s gonna believe you just brushed your teeth. Watch out or you’ll need a box for all your stuff!

Aquarius, you normally enjoy risk and danger but sadly you’re having trouble finding it. Superfluous energy torments you, causing you to hit on drunken Geminis at early-morning garage sales and generally bother people of all star signs. Meanwhile, a Sagittarius is bothering you, out-talking you even and making you uncomfortable. Chill out and avoid a fight. Cherry brandy for you.

Pisces, people think you’re pretty down-to-earth. But this week you go nuts and freak out at your family. It might be an intervention or some such gathering where emotions tend to run high. Then again, it might be a wedding or a funeral. Whatever the event is, expect to be escorted away from it quite forcefully, perhaps while vomiting vodka.