My Fellow Inebriates,

You wouldn’t believe how the abusive sarcasm flew when I asked whether we were going to the Olympic Games in London. And then I got a dime-by-dime lecture on why we don’t just jet-set wherever it occurs to me to travel. OMG! I mean, do I look like I understand transportation costs and global logistics?

It wasn’t a totally selfish suggestion either. With the LBHQ move ten days away, vacationing to London seemed like a perfect way to relieve stress. Everyone knows it’s fun to take small children on planes for nine-hour voyages, and I bet they still have those teeny little booze bottles for about $10 each.

But mainly I wanted to investigate some special games occurring in London alongside the Olympics. Turns out there’s a selection:

Paralympics

When asked, most people say “para” is short for “paralyzed” or “paralysis,” but it actually derives from the Greek word παρά (para), meaning “in parallel” or alongside the Olympic Games.

Steroid Olympics

In regular parlance, “the Olympics.”

World Alternative Games 2012

This event occurs after the London Olympics, from August 17 to September 2. Just as well—it’s in Wales. Llanwrtyd Wells, a town famous for unusual events, offers a fantastic alternative program for sports fans who may be jaded by the Olympics:

• Worm charming
• Gravy Wrestling
• Bathtubbing
• Chariot Racing
• Office Chair Slalom
• Rock Paper Scissors
• Backward Running
• Wife Carrying
• Bog Snorkelling
• Man v. Horse Marathon

Drunk Olympics

The inaugural 2005 Drunk Olympics were held in Utah, then repeated in Colorado in 2006 (although with limited events because it was “fucking cold-ass cold”). Inexplicably the torch was dropped in 2007 (figuratively, that is, as the flaming Bacardi 151 torch couldn’t be expected to last). No, it seems organization was the ruin of the Drunk Olympics. We alcoholics don’t make the most excellent planners.

Truthfully, the Drunk Olympics were my primary motivation to get on a plane, but it seems they’re defunct. At the last mention, organizer J.P.G. Smith planned to hold a 2008 Drunk Olympics in Milwaukee featuring the new event “distance pissing.”

Amazingly this never happened, considering the Spartans maintained a similar drunken competition for at least 35 years, getting pissed on wine before engaging in classical athletic events.

While there may be no officially sanctioned Drunk Olympics in London, the South Korean sailing coach has already been sent home for drunk-driving after a banquet. Said the South Korea Sailing Federation, “It is true that Lee [Jae-cheol], who can’t drink well, was caught drunk-driving by the police when he was returning alone to the athletes’ village at 5am for training after sleeping for some time to get sober…It is really a matter for regret. Although we will thoroughly grasp the issue and take action after finding out what was wrong, we think Lee is under enormous amount of psychological pressure.”

Too bad Lee didn’t call a cab. Now he’ll miss the entire London event, he’ll be fined and disciplined, and he’ll probably end up losing a sweet job.

As delightful as the Drunk Olympics may sound, it’s never worth the risk driving drunk.