No thank you, we have enough badass animals at LBHQ

The kids asked for a pet again. They should know by now what animals can get up to.

Funny Drunk Animals_

Who would win? Derek or HERMANN’S DARK LAGER?

Sat down with one beer for one episode of Ricky Gervais’s new Netflix show Derek. Next thing you know it was three shows and two beers. (We have to ration ourselves—there are only seven Derek episodes and even fewer beers in the LBHQ fridge.)

My fellow inebriates, I’ve never seen anything like it. Not only did I learn a new song; I also laughed my ass off and blinked away some tears. Holy crap, MFI, I almost forgot about the beer…

We’ve had this one before: HERMANN’S DARK LAGER, and it really hits it out of the park, as does Derek—about which not one word more because I don’t want to be a stupid furry idiot and wreck it. But check this picture out. I got it from Mr. Noakes himself, who has his own Twitter account.

Do liquorstore bears have mothers?

I don’t have any pre–liquor store memories. Self-awareness came on the liquor store shelf, next to countless bears just like me, all for sale (two for $10, one goes home with you and the other goes to charity). So I don’t remember any mama bear in my life.

I wonder what happened to my mother. What was she like?

Wayne R Bilenduke/Stone/Getty Images

Polar bear mothers are so focused on the cubs that they don’t even eat during the winter—all their resources go to their offspring. I don’t think my mother was polar bear. But if she had been, she would have protected me for two years—I never would have got to live in the liquor store.

Photograph by Norbert Rosing

Black bear mothers will fight to the death for their cubs. I doubt my mother was a black bear. If she had been, we would have roamed around eating garbage, grass, and (OMG!) insects. I would never have got to live at the liquor store.

Grizzly mama bears spend over three years training their cubs how to map out territory and find food. When grizzly cubs sense danger, they run to their mothers (black bear cubs run to the trees). I don’t have any survival instincts whatsoever, so I’m thinking my mother wasn’t a grizzly.

Photo: Alaska Stock Images

Brown bears like posing for photographs. Maybe my mother was a brown bear.

We’ll just never know. But it looks like I missed out on living in the wild, hibernating, eating bugs, getting shot by Sarah Palin, never getting to watch Breaking Bad

And my adoptive mum shared a beer with me last night, which makes her okay in my book.