champagne

FREIXENET CARTA NEVADA BRUT—Questionable choice to ring in the New Year

I love New Year and the sparkling wine that comes with it, but OMG, my fellow inebriates, I can’t get my nose into those narrow little flutes.

Thankfully, Miss P had a solution. She used an empty apple-sauce container as a trough for yours truly so I could enjoy New Year as well.DSCN2998

“Isn’t that a bit humiliating?” someone asked.

Well, you tell me. Is it more humiliating than trying to stuff your head into a 1.5-inch hole?

Ahhhh, but that’s how you enjoy the bubbly experience. Flute-shaped stemware helps retain carbonation with its reduced surface area at the opening. The whole idea is to reduce nucleation so the bubbles keep sparkling as long as possible.

But does it matter? With a champagne flute, I get nothing. With P’s trough, I get some of the cheap-ass bubbly (my parents went all out: $4.72 for a 200-mL bottle of FREIXENT CARTA NEVADA BRUT). Thing is, once it’s been poured into my trough, the bubbles are gone.DSCN2997

But how does it taste?

I’ve had it with bubbles and I’ve had it without. And it definitely needs bubbles. It needs them as a distraction from its tangy-sour-bitter nastiness. While Freixenet has some reasonable bubbly out there, this is not among those offerings. Imagine drinking something at the stroke of midnight that reminded you of dissolved Aspirin—persistent screaming high notes, a medicinal chord, and little else. All it has, my fellow inebriates, is fizz.

So do not drink it out of a trough, friends, even if a helpful little seven-year-old offers her apple-sauce cup for that purpose. This stuff is difficult to drink—it needs all the help that effervescence can give it. If the New Year’s ritual were important to you, maybe you could slug back one flute, but more would be masochistic.

My dad, however, went over the line. He threw his FREIXENET out without finishing it. Like no one would have helped him with it.

ASTROLIQUOR for December 28 to January 3—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, your finances are good and fucked. You spent a ton of money this holiday season, and you haven’t slowed down. If you don’t get yourself under control, you’ll be crying for months. Start by eliminating solid food. It costs a lot of money. Next, stop buying Skyy and Grey Goose. Stick with rotgut vodka until your bank balance looks up. Good luck!

Taurus, you’ll finish an important project this week. Don’t be shy to brag! Modesty will get you nowhere, and if you start muttering about how “it was nothing,” people will think you’re a douche. An Aquarius will ask you to be Designated Driver at New Year. Consider it a compliment, and graciously accept. Stay away from lottery kiosks, fruit, depilatories, and Kool-Aid.

That person you met in June is starting to annoy you, Gemini. As your relationship falls apart, another person steps in to console you. Don’t misread this as poaching; your new friend isn’t into you at all, and really just wants to mooch your Jack Daniel’s. The next few months will be frivolous and shallow, just the way you like.

Cancer, you’re in for a harmonious week. Communication is excellent with partners and friends; work is productive; your ideas are irresistible; and the stars aren’t calling for any bar fights. You have the boss’s ear at work, so speak up about what you want. (Leave the flask of Absolut at home.) A Pisces might give you flowers.

Leo, there’s a creepy Sagittarius hanging around. Stay sober around this weirdo. You can, however, get loaded with Aquarians. You’ll experience wild mood swings as you party with them, however; everyone knows Aquarians are constantly lit up on vodka and vermouth, and they tend to lurch drunkenly into other people’s horoscopes.

Virgo, you’re being goaded by Aries and Aquarius types. They want you to mix up a great big batch of this:

  • 1 cup vodka
  • 2 cups white wine
  • 2 cups lager
  • 1 cup blackcurrant liqueur

Hurry up and mix it, because a Pisces is going to try to talk you out of it.

Libra, take the week off work and consume nothing but vodka, gin, light rum, tequila, and Blue Curacao. Friends will drop in unexpectedly; when they see what you’re mixing, they’ll stay. This means that if you’re wearing a thong, you should put some pants on over it, just to be polite. February looks good for love, and you don’t want to scare anyone off.

You had some troubles in October, Scorpio, but things are looking better. Continue to avoid conflict, and chill out if colleagues are being lazy at work. Everything is going to improve in January, although the voices in your head might get louder. They’re asking for Grand Marnier with coffee and chocolate sprinkles.

Sagittarius, you’re entering an extra-happy phase. Only do those things you feel like doing. Make some artwork, play games, and speak your mind. A Cancer figures prominently…a crazy drinking buddy on a scale you haven’t experienced before. Who on earth would frappé red wine, Coke, tequila, bananas, raisins, and champagne? You might, this week.

Remy Martin and Mountain Dew, Capricorn—that’s what this week has in store for you, along with family cuddles, and one or two late (and weird) Christmas gifts. You are very precise at Sudoku and crosswords, even while gooned. This is very special indeed, but don’t be tempted to think your driving will be similarly enhanced this week. No car keys for you!

Aquarius, you wander in and out of a lot of other astrological signs’ lives this week, mostly being a nuisance, but also inspiring them to break out the Bacardi. Try not to panhandle outside the liquor store; better opportunities are coming up in January. Watch out for Scorpios; one of them wants to take you to an Anthony Robbins seminar.

Pisces, get ready for a week of sexy talk, or at least some graphic descriptions of potentially sexy things. What that means the stars won’t be specific about; we all know how stupid the stars are and that if we’re being honest they are just massive balls of gas exploding in space. If you listen to them, they say: apply for a loan, have a big party, give some flowers to a Cancer, and volunteer to be Designated Driver at New Year. Someone has to do it. Rent a bus and be a pal to all your friends.

ASTROLIQUOR for October 26 to November 1—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, you’re back to your pissed-off self, and some poor sap is irritating you. He/she isn’t even doing anything! It’s all you, Aries, so get your anger management on. Mellow out with some apple brandy or rum. Call a Capricorn friend to chat (don’t yell). Buy a small present for someone. Whatever you do, stay away from rowdy bars; you don’t need any more stitches.

Taurus, you’ll have a three-way with a married couple on your next holiday, a moral lapse preceded this week by an unfortunate mixture of Jagermeister, Monster, Sunny D, and root beer. This combo makes you lose your mind and throw away all your discretion, paving the way for a holiday orgy so publicly lewd that you’ll never live it down. Nice going.

You’re preoccupied with mating this week, Gemini, and love is optional. Another Gemini grabs your attention, but you don’t have much luck with same-sign hook-ups. This one’s no exception; it will fizzle quickly, leaving your mind abuzz with prickly resentment. Nothing helps this problem more than Wild Turkey with Drambuie.

Cancer, your calendar feels packed, but is your problem a full dance card or just disorganization? If you take a look you’ll realize you’re not planning properly. You’re saying yes to every trivial thing that comes up and letting people waste your time. No wonder you have no time to get loaded. Take time out for a luxury Champagne this week and tell everyone to get stuffed.

Leo, the stars are vaguely predicting an enriching experience for you…say, sometime in the next three weeks. Expect to become more attuned—not just to your five senses but to the paranormal. The portal to enlightenment is, perhaps predictably, Blue Curacao with Malibu. Although you’ll perceive all kinds of crazy shit this week, your mental state is surprisingly healthy.

Melon liqueur, white creme de cacao, and milk. Your mixology continues to reveal a slight mental imbalance, Virgo. Consider hitting the psychiatrist’s couch, taking up yoga, or getting on a plane to Tibet. Or maybe just go and observe the People of Walmart. They won’t harm you and they’ll probably go out for drinks with you. Open your mind.

Libra, the stars like you this week. You have a lot of influence over people, which increases your social sphere. Ties with your partner are strong, with Thursday your best day for communication. Your power week takes you to the heights and then drops you like a rock. You descend into a binge featuring red wine and vodka—combined. Yikes, the stars are mean.

Someone is pressuring you, Scorpio, but you don’t have to give in. Did you give in when they told you not to make a big vat of white rum, tequila, peach schnapps, triple sec, and Bacardi 151? Did you give in when they said you couldn’t have that big vat in the office lunchroom? Did you give in when they said you couldn’t sleep beside the photocopier? Hell, no.

Sagittarius, your work is in the doldrums and you don’t know why. (It’s boring.) Your brain checks out of meetings, pondering cocktail onions and the comparative merits of sweet and dry vermouth. Perhaps you should talk to your colleagues. They might be able to make your days more interesting, or at least recommend a good gin for your flask.

You’ll have a drastic change of opinion about a work project, Capricorn. You’re horrified at how sluggish your pace has been, the slackers who surround you, and the dried vomit in your third drawer down. This is what happens when you do the unthinkable, Capricorn. You’ve dried out, and the world looks ugly. But at least you can be the DD for your friends.

Aquarius, there’s no use freaking out at coworkers, even if one of them is trying to destroy you. Half the time they’re just as messed up as you—riding the highs and lows between gin-and-tonics and Red Bull. Level out your brain chemicals with some solid food. If you hold it together for the work week, Sunday won’t let you down. But keep your eyes trained at work for that backstabber!

Pisces, a not-unexpected meeting occurs this week. It’s one of those dreadful interventions in which your most beloved relatives and friends tell you what a douche you are. They’ve made a big gathering of it; they’ve got hors d’oeuvres and somebody’s carved pineapples and bananas into special shapes. Your head hurts from this outpouring of love and self-righteousness. But it’s better than that time you spent a night in jail after pissing against a wall.