Crushing it in the career zone

My dad is still talking about switching industries, so I thought I’d help him build a new resume.

PROFILE	B2B sales professional with extensive electronics background on PC, tablet, and smartphone
	Over six months’ experience in candy crushing, candy matching, bringing down ingredients, collecting orders, clearing jelly, optimizing points, mitigating chocolate encroachment, and navigating sugar-laden pathways with focus and determination
	Strong emphasis on candy-smashing best practices
	Expertise in managing lives, forming four- and five-candy lines, pursuing L-shaped candy formations; spotting unusual cross-shaped candy formations and detonating in a timely manner; creating candy canes, stripy licorice, stripy peppermints, and stripy orange candies; understanding various confectionaries’ explosive properties and deploying accordingly

SKILLS	Alternating among three electronic devices so lives are always available Utilizing candy-bombs in a timely manner Persevering on difficult levels without losing focus Managing distractions from family members and work-related exigencies Understanding the interplay of specific candies in numerous contexts Maintaining resilience in the face of “chocolate creep” Preserving professional arms’-length relationship with little crying heart whose lives have expired Carrying on conversations while blasting candies, even in the face of criticism and mocking Containing foul language during difficult levels Maintaining candy impartiality regardless of confectionary colour or shape

TECHNICAL EXPERTISE	Matching rows of three candies Matching rows of four candies Matching rows of five candies (cookie ball!) Creating L-shaped candy formations Creating cross-shaped candy formations Matching two stripy candies Matching two wrapped candies Smashing a stripy candy against a wrapped candy Smashing cookie balls against generic candies	Smashing a cookie ball and a striped candy Smashing a cookie ball and a wrapped candy Freeing caged candies Detonating candy bombs Blasting chocolate Clearing jelly, particularly resistant types

EXPERIENCE	Apprentice, Candy Town Candy Smasher, Candy Factory Jelly Clearer, Lemonade Lake Chocolate Blaster, Chocolate Mountains Lead Jelly Clearer, Minty Meadow Lead Candy Matcher, Easter Bunny Hills Project Manager, Jelly Clearing, Bubblegum Bridge Candy Wrangler, Salty Canyon Chocolate Containment Advisor, Peppermint Palace Bomb Defuser, Gingerbread Glade Sugar Crush Consultant, Pastille Pyramid Timed Blasting Lead, Cupcake Circus Ingredient Collector, Caramel Cove Booster Expert, Sweet Surprise Mystery Candy Identifier, Crunchy Castle Marmalade Spreader, Chocolate Barn Jelly Fish Tamer, Delicious Drifts Licorice Swirler, Holiday Hut Coconut Wheeler, Candy Clouds VP Detonation, Jelly Jungle VP Jelly Clearing, Savory Shores VP Colour Bomb Explosion, Munchy Monolith Stripy–Wrapped Candy Relations, Pearly White Plains CEO, Fudge Islands


REFERENCES	Tiffi Mr. Toffee The Easter Bunny

What do you think, my fellow inebriates? I hope my dad likes it and buys me some wine.

this is for my dad

You think alcohol is addictive? Holy crap, my fellow inebriates, I got orphaned by my dad this summer.

candy crush