Bailey’s

ASTROLIQUOR for October 5-11—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, your decision to deliver a giant gift basket of Bailey’s and cherry vodka to a gravely ill friend may not be in good taste. Then again, it might net your friend a steady stream of visitors and help with everyone’s bedside manner. Hospitals don’t have to be creepy. And if you sampled from the basket before you arrived, the creepiest thing in the hospital might be you.

Taurus, the stars have chosen you to be Designated Driver this week. This will alter your social pattern considerably. At first it won’t be easy staying sober. It’ll seem weird being alert. Then you’ll look in your wallet and be like, OMG, look at all that money. I was going to spend that on creme de cacao.

Get serious about finances, Gemini, and track this week’s expenses. The stars favor math for you, which means your spreadsheets will add up (at least before Bloody Mary hour). Consider cutting expenditures by 10 percent…ride your bike; put on a sweater instead of the thermostat; go commando so you don’t have to buy underwear. Speaking of this last bit, Friday looks flirty for you.

Cancer, your stars are talking diet and exercise, food logs, and gym memberships. OMG, they’ve got to be joking, with Canadian Thanksgiving coming up. INSTEAD: Pour four parts bourbon, two parts rum, and one part whipping cream over ice. Ahhh! Keep this to yourself (and your money too; lending is star-crossed this week…although if you lend liquor you will get it back—on your carpet).

Leo, let’s get physical this week. Don’t join a gym, though; if it’s like S_e__ N__h F_____s W_r_d all the machines are covered with old gum and the bathroom door has a four-inch hole in it. Try walking instead of driving. You’ll save a ton of gas money, which you can spend on vodka. No lending money while drunk! You’ll never get your cash back.

Vodka, Pernod, Malibu, Tia Maria, and pineapple juice. If you call this “breakfast,” Virgo, it’s no wonder you’re having trouble remembering where you put a particular item. It’s one of those small, useful items that you need occasionally and don’t want to have to buy again—especially since it’ll turn up as soon as you do, and then you’ll have two (or more if these breakfasts are typical). Search everywhere!

Libra, you’ll suffer some minor Long Island Iced Tea–related bruising this week during a sensational party, from which you’ll stagger home and immediately drop a small appliance on your toe. It will break (the appliance, not your toe) because you’ll have read this horoscope and put on steel-toed boots. In some cultures, dropping things is good luck. In your culture, it means you’re pissed.

In happy contrast to last week, Scorpio, strangers feel like friends and friends feel like family. You’ll make valuable contacts, clear up some debt, and enjoy a flirtation. It doesn’t get much better—unless you add equal parts Drambuie, Napoleon, and Parfait Amour to a really killer Scotch over crushed ice with juice to taste (I’m having “none”).

Sagittarius, your thoughts are spacey and futuristic this week. In a hundred years, how many people will populate the earth? Will your descendants colonize Mars? Will doctors be able to grow a new liver for you? On Saturday a friend joins you, and together you invent something that will change the world. OMG, what’s fueling this creativity? Could it be Malibu?

This is a good week to finish projects, Capricorn. Don’t be anxious; there’s no need to compete with colleagues. You can’t, really, with a brainful of Southern Comfort and vermouth; and they like having you that way in the office because it makes them look good. That’s why they don’t rat you out. After a lovely work week you’ll receive good news about a sick friend. (Do I hear a champagne cork?)

Aquarius, not everyone appreciates your directness. You mustn’t transfer your vodka- and rum-infused insecurities onto colleagues, nor should you use words like “asstard” at board meetings. Not only will you hurt people’s feelings; you’ll incite revenge! If you must tank up on Long Islands at work, try to remain very, very quiet.

Pisces, you’re bucking for an unpaid holiday, but it’s not working. No matter how much incompetence you demonstrate at work, you keep getting pats on the back. This would have been awesome a month ago, but now you’re eligible for unemployment, so ratchet up the misbehavior. Is there an annoying coworker you could pick a fight with? If you need fuel, try dumping a case of Bud Light into a vat of pink lemonade. Add 13 gin shots and put your concoction in the lunch room. Voilà! Cardboard-box time for you.

ASTROLIQUOR for September 14-20—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Aries, one of your peeps is jealous of you. Whether it’s your liquor cabinet, your life partner, or the way you sleep in all day, that envy will come to a boil this week. When you ease off the Malibu and realize your ex-chum is bad-mouthing you, you’re gonna freak. And Aries…as usual there is a bar fight in the offing. Don’t let it happen! Stay inside! Close the drapes! Drink more Malibu!

Taurus, your house is looking shabby. That couch you thought was so wicked cool way back when…those pastel walls…that shaggy carpet. It’s all been barfed on one too many times, and it’s rum-and-stomach-acid odour is so rank that not even your Jehovah’s Witness visitors care to stay and chat. Find a friend with good judgment, who’s not pissed on rum, to help you redecorate.

Not only are you a little psychologically uneven these days, Gemini, you’re bored. Time to find some excitement, and the stars are pointing either toward the bar scene or…the health club. (Sometimes the stars just like to hedge their bets.) The choice is a no-brainer—get yourself to the nearest pub and order a row of tequila shots. Behave obnoxiously until you’re no longer bored.

The stars call for heavy socializing this week, Cancer. You might even add to your friend list if you open your mind. Hell, why not open your booze shelves to the neighborhood and have a house-wrecker party? Open the door and scream, “Vanilla vodka!” and see if anyone comes running. Whoever does might end up sleeping in your bathtub, especially on Friday, Saturday, or Sunday.

Leo, you’ll meet someone with an unusual accent. Try not to be a douche. You sound pretty funny yourself when you’re burping up blackberry liqueur and rum. This is the opportunity to start a new friendship—possibly featuring a leather thong. Enjoy it until December when planet Mars goes apeshit in your relationship house and one of you takes out a restraining order. The good news is that a friend with flesh-eating disease is going to be okay.

Friendships become increasingly precious as we age, Virgo. Why not get in touch with an old friend or two? Especially if you severed contact suddenly or on bad terms, now’s the time to reconnect. For instance, what about your ex? The best approach is to fill up on a half-decent blended whiskey…say, six ounces with some soda and bitters…then pick up the phone. Yeah, do it!

Libra, if you’re in a helping profession, you can expect a great week. Everyone is so happy to see you; there’s not enough of you to go around. Perhaps you’re doing your job too well. After all, if your job description includes changing adult diapers, you don’t want to be too popular. Try incorporating gin and creme de menthe into your work day; it should help you avoid being specially requested.

Sometimes coworkers can be so critical, Scorpio, especially the ones who are gunning for you right now. Take a deep breath and ignore them. What are they going to do, report you? They don’t even have justification, do they? Doesn’t everyone (besides you) arrive at work with a Thermos of Purple Honker (yes! equal parts strawberry liqueur and Maui Blue Hawaiian schnapps with or without 7-up)? Don’t worry that your nitpicky colleagues might get you fired; you’ll win something next week.

Sagittarius, Irish whisky is the thief of time. You know you have a project begging your attention, and yet it’s so awesome to combine three parts Bushmill’s with two parts Bailey’s over ice in an old-fashioned glass. (Okay, so the stars are saying you need to tackle your project, that it will be rewarding, etc. But the stars are very far away.)

You don’t usually talk about your sexy time, Capricorn. But given enough dark rum, you’ll express all kinds of random preferences…Which will work out for you this week if you cross paths with an adventurous Virgo. Who knows what you’ll get up to…it will be very quick and messy though. Others will frown on it. Give them some dark rum and they will understand.

Aquarius, what is your job? Like, what do you do? Is it what you always thought you’d do? Usually it isn’t. And this week you realize you haven’t been following your heart. You won’t have time over the next three months to really figure this out, but that’s okay because you’ll have too much Goldschlager in your system to act on your conclusions. Yes, you can get drunk on that shit. You just need a strong stomach.

Pisces, change is on the horizon. Usually change (for you) involves a move (from home to jail, for example), the loss of routine (your job), or predation in the wild (other homeless people banging on your cardboard box). But this time it’s different. Your life is on a big uptick, Pisces! You have new maturity and new perspective, and Saturday may even introduce a new romantic interest. Yay! If only you had some booze, but the stars are saying no this week. Stupid stars.

ASTROLIQUOR for August 31 to September 6—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Although bar fights are nothing strange to you, Aries, you can expect a rough one this week. You’ll beat the crap out a Libra, which will give you a sense of satisfaction, even though you’ll eventually have to apologize (possibly through some sort of restorative justice mechanism prescribed by court…OMG, what the hell are the stars saying you’re going to do to this Libra??) Is this what comes of combining tequila, rum, vodka, triple sec, gin, and Razzmatazz? Holy shit, Aries, I don’t like your stars this week.

Taurus, watch your diet this week. If you cut back on solid foods you can accommodate a big vat of eggnog. In fact, you should have an eggnog party on Sunday. You’ll need a bunch of egg yolks plus whole cream, some other stuff, and two cups of rum. Mmmmmm…totally worth skipping solids. In fact, if you really want to cut calories, leave out all the ingredients except the rum. That’s the best kind of eggnog.

You often listen without hearing, Gemini, but if you pay close attention to the stars, they’re telling you to layer equal parts of Kahlua, Bailey’s, and creme de cacao in a shot glass (or a tumbler), top with a splash of vodka, and ahhhhhhh! It won’t improve your listening abilities, especially if you opt for the tumbler, but it sure says “early weekend.”

Your persuasive powers peak this week, Cancer. Try not to be evil; you are very influential right now. 😉 Weirdly enough, the stars don’t recommend alcohol (because they’re worried about you being evil), but I trust you. So go ahead and mix up some tequila with milk. Stir (don’t shake) and slam it back, then have an orange wedge. This is all the evil you need.

Leo, someone’s crushing on you but you’re distracted and you totally miss it. It’s uncharacteristic for you to lose out on a mating opportunity, but if you pay attention, you’ll finally notice this interested Gemini. Maybe if you just lay off the cherry vodka for a while, you’ll notice all kinds of people and things. You might even remember to brush your teeth.

Try to avoid snap judgments about people this week, Virgo. Outward appearances aren’t trustworthy, and you’ve been fine-tuning your intuition for a while now, so dig a little deeper when you’re assessing someone. Meanwhile, others are assessing you. You’ve been going through a lot of mental changes lately, both positive (shedding cares about material wealth) and negative (waking up with the Jagermeister shakes). The stars suggest cutting the Jager with Red Bull (dumbass stars).

Libra, you’re feeling the weight of obligations, and noticing when others don’t step up to fulfill theirs. You have to know this makes you annoying and, depending how much you broadcast your resentment, maybe even a douche. Just don’t let the half-hearted performance of other people put you off achieving your own goals. If you must, screw other people and have a bottle of Tanqueray to yourself.

Determination is your key word this week, Scorpio. Whatever you set out to do, you can do it—even things you normally suck at. Now’s the time to ask for a raise or go after a better job. You are more powerful than Xenu this week (or at least Tom Cruise). Don’t let this special astrological power pass! Go after your heart’s desire, then celebrate with some Chambord.

Sagittarius, the hard times are ending, but not just yet. You can just see the clearing up ahead, so hang tough. Like a rotten parting shot, this bleak time will end with something in your house breaking. Don’t worry, it’s not critical; you can live without a vacuum cleaner or a dishwasher. So long as it’s not a bar shelf! OMG, it would suck if all your bottles crashed and broke. There you’d be in a puddle of glass shards and Southern Comfort, slurping your precious booze out of the carpet. (Make sure your bar shelf is secure!)

You go berserk for some art this week, Capricorn. Whatever it is—sculpture, sketch, painting—you must have it immediately. But be careful with your money; something in house house will break this week, and if you’ve spent all your funds on art, how will you pay for the repair? (And how will you maintain your tequila levels?)

Aquarius, you’ll meet a fascinating, sexually charged stranger this week, and after a couple of bourbons he/she will no longer be a stranger. In fact, you’ll discover all sort of mutual friends and interests. The more intimate you become, the more similarities will emerge. And just wait till you see each other’s photo albums. OMG! You’re related.

Pisces, you’ve got nothing going on this week. Nada. The stars used it all up on the other signs. This pisses you off, because you hoped for some action—an affair maybe, or a flirtation. Nope. Nothing. Just you by yourself. Lots of people like being by themselves. They pick up a book or watch a movie or call some friends. But you don’t feel like it, and the stars are laying on a walloping dose of self-pity. So you alternate shots of lime Bacardi with belts of Corona. (Sounds okay to me.)