My Fellow Inebriates,

In last week’s Savage Love column, Dan Savage exhorted readers to submit their entries (pardon the pun) for the annual HUMP! amateur porn contest.

Needless to say, the prospect of $5,000 is pretty compelling. With $5,000 we could buy over 200 cases of beer, which would help me forget the way my parents went to a pub without me two nights ago.

Even though I don’t own a sweater-vest; even though Dolly and I are engaging in hetero-bestiality; and even though we didn’t think to get some packing peanuts from my dad’s massive collection in the garage (my ass is full of walnut shells; does that count?)—despite these shortcomings we have two videos for HUMP!’s consideration. Which one should we submit?

This was our first effort:

 

And then (understandably) Dolly took charge, which led to this:

 

And as you all know, Dolly is done with me. But I don’t think she’ll really be mad if I submit our videos to HUMP!, do you? The question is which one?