My friend Scary has been predicting the apocalypse his whole life. Volcanoes, black holes, the mysterious Planet X colliding with Earth, and yes—pandemic.
He didn’t predict a heatwave, but he says it falls under the ambit of “apocalyptic climate change.”
Now he’s pretty sure we’re all going to die. It got up to 45 C (114 F) in the house yesterday, and today will probably be the same.
We had to put the gerbils in the basement. Otherwise they were gonna die.
But Scary says we’re ALL gonna die.
And then alcohol said, “Put that on Facebook, it’s hilarious.”
But alcohol was wrong. So very wrong.
I’ve since been banned from Facebook. Not for that reason, although it may have contributed.
My fellow inebriates,
My dad swears by this freezer thingie he uses to keep cans of beer cold.
In this case, we’re having a Smithwick’s Red Ale. It’s a nice malty, mellow beer with low hops and creaminess.
I don’t know why my dad didn’t tell my mum about this beer—she would totally like it. Maybe he was using his freezer thingie to hide the words “Premium Red Ale.” It doesn’t matter, though. The freezer thingie itself is, in any case, a deterrent (for her, not me); she says it “smells like the freezer.”
I found Dad’s beer because I can smell it with my bear nose. Sure, I can also detect the freezer thingie’s gross freezer-burnt-what-the-hell-was it sitting-next-to-why-do-we-never-clean-the-freezer-maybe-the-whole-appliance-is-faulty-oh-wait-did-we-finally-bury-that-dead-gerbil odour, but I don’t care. As you can see, I bellied right up to it so I could help my dad drink that Smithwick’s.
I highly recommend getting several freezer thingies for your household so you don’t have to share.
I also recommend a dedicated beer fridge/freezer for them so they just smell like beer.
And if you have a deceased gerbil in a baggie in the freezer (because the ground was too hard to dig in winter), it’s probably time to have that funeral.
Liquorstore Bear 