My  Fellow Inebriates,

The stars are still being dickheaded, which means you all get an abbreviated reading again, just like last week, only this week we don’t even have a proper theme, people. Yes, the stars are sucking royal ass and being totally lazy in their stupid galactic orbits, burning all that hydrogen and producing f*ck-all in the way of useful readings about OUR LIVES. We should all be livid at the stupid stars and their questionable influence. That having being said, here’s what they say you should drink.

Aries:

You get apple juice and Smirnoff this week. What a perfect Sunday-morning treat while hanging out with a toddler.

Taurus:

Godiva, Kahlua, and small ice cubes that you can crunch while you drink. This is so you can be annoying, just in case you don’t already know how.

Gemini:

Do they still make Jolt cola? I think not, but if you know someone who had a bomb shelter/panic room and died, then they might have left some in there, and you could go in and get it. But do they (did they?) have raspberry syrup and vodka?

Cancer:

Cognac, strawberry schnapps, triple sec, and club soda. Blend it up with a couple of strawberries, weirdo.

Leo:

Got a big (I mean big) container? Put vodka, gin, sweet-and-sour mix, grenadine, and—what else?—beer. Proportions you can figure out.

Virgo:

Dark rum, Malibu, peach schnapps, blackberry schnapps, and as many kinds of juices as you have in the fridge. Like Aries, you’ve got yourself a libation you can enjoy while hanging with a five-year-old.

Libra:

Okay, this is kind of elaborate. Vanilla liqueur, some kind of blue liqueur, mint liqueur, and vanilla ice cream. Not in the blender!! Cocktail shaker, ice, shave the ice cream into it. YEAH! Shake it up. Also a good one to enjoy while regaling the kiddies about the importance of a well-stocked bar.

Scorpio:

Got a harsh Canadian whisky? Bet you’ve never put it in a cocktail shaker with rosso vermouth, crappy sparkling wine, a splash of triple sec, and some bitters. Why would anyone do that?? But the stars are calling for it, so there you go.

Sagittarius:

Jagermeister in a coffee. It’s gonna be a bad week.

Capricorn:

You luck out again with some hedonistic luxury: amarula, cream liqueur, peach schnapps, vodka, half-and-half, and don’t forget vodka. Mmmmmm (I think? Who knows, it might be totally gross).

Aquarius:

Vodka and Hawaiian Snapple. You’re welcome.

Pisces:

You deserve a fantasy drink: Midori melon, Malibu, and pineapple juice. Ahhhh!