vodka

ASTROLIQUOR for Nov. 18-24

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

Get ready to work really hard this week, Aries. You’re feeling industrious, and your ass is feeling cold, so warm it up with some mulled wine:

  • 4 cups madeira
  • 1/2 cup honey
  • Juice of one lemon
  • Orange peel from one orange
  • 6 cloves
  • Cinnamon stick
  • 1/2 cup Grand Marnier

Heat the first six ingredients in a saucepan, then let cook gently on low for ten minutes. Ready? Add the Grand Marnier. Work hard and perfect it so you can leave some out for Santa next month.

Kick back, Taurus, relax and get loaded. You’re a natural glutton, so throw some nice high-cal liqueurs together and jettison the guilt. Try Kahlua, Irish whiskey and Bailey’s in equal parts—ice is optional.

You’re all wired up with too much energy, Gemini. Slow your brain down with some shooters: equal parts Irish cream liqueur, butternut schnapps and Fireball.

If you hit the bars this week, Cancer, you need some reconnaissance. Know where the bathrooms are and make sure you have a drinking buddy. I like vanilla Stolichnaya for you, but mix it with some Mountain Dew so you don’t get too shitfaced.

This is a good time to blow your paycheck on booze, Leo. When you’re generous, you’re generous, so go all-out, hit the bar and buy everyone a Hypnotiq shot with Sprite.

Virgo, your willingness to confide everything to others could get you in trouble this week. Liquor won’t help, but have some anyway.  Try mixing several varieties of rum with some sugar and lime.

You can’t go around in skid-marked underwear, Libra. Take responsibility for your actions and drink more slowly. This means mixing your vodka with juice. Try grape juice or lemonade.

Everybody wants a piece of you, Scorpio, so you need a gross-out drink that no one will want to share. Hmmm…have you ever mixed creme de cacao with raspberry vodka and Grand Marnier? Give it a shot and see if it keeps people away.

Sagittarius, I’m thinking Jim Beam for you this week, but only if you mix it with tequila. You’re really good at making a good first impression, but then you become an annoying drunk, so keep it moving and don’t stay in any one bar too long.

It’s time to jettison logic and rationality, Capricorn. That fits right in with copious alcohol consumption, and I see you loading up on Stolichnaya vodka in a 2:1 ration with Jagermeister. It’ll make you hairy all over, which I don’t mind at all.

Failure is getting to you, Aquarius, so grab some booze and start networking. You need Vodka, and not the cheap stuff. Get your contacts drinking martinis and the promotion will be yours.

Pisces, you’re broke and in the gutter again—oh no! Take it easy and lie low while you make a plan. This is the time to economize with some mainstream beer.

What kind of binge drinker are you?

My Fellow Inebriates,

Considering how often visitors arrive at this site by googling the phrase “binge drinking,” I ought to weigh in on it.

According to a British study, there are nine types of binge drinkers:

  1. De-Stress Drinkers. These are people who reach for a drink when they need to calm down and feel in control. They are usually middle-class.
  2. Conformist Drinkers. These people drink to fit in and find structure. They are usually desk-bound men.
  3. Boredom Drinkers. These people drink to alleviate monotony.
  4. Depressed Drinkers. All walks of life fit into this category; it seems everybody gets bummed out regardless of age or income.
  5. Re-Bonding Drinkers. These people drink to keep in touch with people close to them. I think this means their friends happen to drink and they get sucked into the lifestyle by way of people-pleasing…maybe?
  6. Community Drinkers. These drinkers are from a lower income bracket than De-Stress Drinkers. They drink in large groups.
  7. Macho Drinkers. This self-explanatory group consists of men who hang out in bars.
  8. Border Dependents. These people think of bars as a second home.
  9. Hedonistic Drinkers. OMG, this is my category…drinkers who crave stimulation and loss of control. YEAH!! Often they are split from partners (Hello, Dolly) and desperately want attention. Bingo.

That foreign mail-order service never sent me my doctorate certificate, but here are my recommendations:

  1. De-Stress Drinkers. Consider drinking amaretto spritzers made with equal parts amaretto liqueur and lemon-lime soda. It’s kind of a classy cocktail, but too sweet for crazy binging.
  2. Conformist Drinkers. Stick to martinis, but add some anis liqueur and grenadine syrup to slow yourself down. It’s still a nice, conventional drink, but these flavors don’t lend themselves to slamming.
  3. Boredom Drinkers. Find some more interesting beer than Kokanee or Bud, and set yourself the task of really tasting it. Pour it into a glass; sniff it; swirl it. Make tasting notes.
  4. Depressed Drinkers. Find a really happy drink, like a Jelly Fish. That’s vodka with pineapple schnapps and tropical liqueur, finished with juice and shaken. With such a sunny drink in your hand, how can you stay depressed?
  5. Re-Bonding Drinkers. Drinking is a great way to stay in touch with old friends. Try mixing Bailey’s with milk and chocolate syrup; the milk will dilute the alcohol a bit and keep you shy of oblivion.
  6. Community Drinkers. Large communities of people have a history of drinking Kool-Aid together. Make it happy, though, and include some Bacardi Razz. What a great way to bond.
  7. Macho Drinkers. Try not to drink your rum straight. Add some fruitiness to it, or even some Mountain Dew. Own it.
  8. Border Dependents. It’s good to have a home away from home, but you can slow down your intoxication a bit by mixing Sprite or 7-up into your draft. It’s cool, you can do it.
  9. Hedonistic Drinkers. You cannot be changed, so just keep pounding back the rum and vodka—as long as you have variety and Aspirin it’s all good.

So where do YOU fit in?

Take the poll!

ASTROLIQUOR for Nov. 11-17

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You’re feeling happy this week, Aries, which means fruity fruit fruit:

  • 1.5 oz vodka
  • half a lime
  • 1/2 oz passion fruit syrup
  • 1/2 oz watermelon liqueur

Shake with ice and strain into a chilled glass. Again, I know this is kind of a silly drink for you, Aries, but when you’re happy you have the patience to plan and execute drinks like this.

It’s time to quit driving your car, Taurus, so you can properly enjoy your liquor cabinet. Be a free spirit and pour equal parts Pepsi and red wine into a decanter. This is one of those awesome beverages that others often decline, so you get it all to yourself. YEAH!!

Life is cuddly and harmonious right now, Gemini. Get out some nice apple cider (I RECOMMEND Strongbow) and mix it 3:1 with cherry liqueur. Share it with someone who makes your fur tingle.

This is a good week for Cancers to hit on the opposite sex. Pick a drink that differentiates you as a fun-loving party animal, then buy everyone a round. I’d go with shooters: equal parts Crown Royal and butterscotch schnapps.

Start thinking about moving out of your parents’ house, Leo, and stock up your own booze shelf. You need some good Russian vodka. With a bit of lime, soda water, and sugar, you’re all set.

The asteroid didn’t hit us last week, and everything’s all good. Virgo, you need to go out on a limb and get crazy this week. How long has it been since you had a party drink? This one’s called a Smurfette:

  • 3 oz Malibu
  • 3 oz Blue Curacao
  • 4 oz banana liqueur
  • Pineapple juice to taste (I usually have “none”)

Serve over ice. Yum!

All eyes are on you, this week, Libra, so get out your flask, fill it with gin, Blue Curacao, orange juice and cheap white wine, and take it to work. When people see your inexplicable nonchalance, you’ll probably get a promotion.

You’re not your usual emotional vampire self, Scorpio, because you’re in the groove and finding comfort in happy, joyful concoctions. Malibu is an integral part of any fun-time drink, so shake it up in equal parts with Captain Morgan spiced rum and mango rum. Then add pineapple juice…or not.

Sagittarius, you make it all look so easy. You’ll have a lot of adventures this week, none of them planned, and the culprit will be Captain Morgan. It’s just so easy to throw it into your ice tea with a squirt of lemon.

You’re conflicted this week, Capricorn…are you ready for take-off or grounded in reality? I find the right liquor usually prevents over-thinking things. Try adding peppermint schnapps to everything this week. If you can keep a steady buzz going without overshooting into unconsciousness, you should have interesting times.

Love and romance are favored this week, Aquarius, but you are still preoccupied with taking over the world. This is not the week for that! You need to get really loaded and have fun. Here’s a start:

  • 2 oz dark rum
  • 1 oz 100-proof vodka
  • 1.5 oz Blue Curacao (because you LOVE blue things)
  • 2 oz pineapple juice
  • Red Bull to taste
Doesn’t that sound fantastic? Drink up!

Pisces, you’ve been finding yourself in the gutter a bit too often lately. Maybe hard liquor isn’t your thing right now, especially since people keep kicking your ass. Stick to beer this week, and slow yourself down by adding strange things to it: Worcestershire sauce, lemon juice, soy sauce, Tabasco, pepper…you get the idea. Add ’em all if you like. It’ll make it hard to pound the beers as fast as you normally do.