booze

Move over, Oprah! LB’s “Favorite Things” are here!

My Fellow Inebriates,

It’s no secret that Oprah Winfrey likes bears, so I know she won’t mind if I hijack her annual much-anticipated “Favorite Things” for my own purposes.

Without further ado, an LB selection of favorite things for this gift-giving season:

PacMan wine charms. That little dude gobbles like there’s no tomorrow, so he’d probably make a good drunk too.

Brut Gold Champagne, Armand de Brignac. To quote Miss O herself: “Jay-Z has a head for business, a soul for poetry, and a taste for luxury. He sent me this glorious Champagne, and I’ve since sent 25 cases to friends.” OMG! How do I get to be friends with Oprah??

Lava Lamp Shot Glass Collection. Wow, the glasses light up when you pour liquid in them. The lights go out once the glasses are drained. Good reason to keep filling ‘em.

Houdini Automatic Wine Opener. Yes, yes, YES!!! For my ever-defeated, pathetically thumbless paws, this is a long-sought-after boon. For obvious reasons my parents will ban it from the house, but…ahh. You just press the button and it pulls the cork out for you. When it’s not doing waiter duty, it recharges.

Whiskey Stones. The perfect way to keep your scotch cold without diluting it or imparting additional flavor. Chill these Vermont-milled stones in the freezer, put them in your rock glass and pour. Remember not to crunch them.

Hakutsuru Premium Sake Selection Gift Pack. There’s more to sake than heating it up and slamming it before the taste comes through. These premium sippers are lovely enough to savor cold.

Jezebel wine bottles. Take these to the U-Vin next time you whip up a batch of cheap plonk. Six weeks later, when you’re stuck with 80 bottles of barely drinkable vino, you’ll at least be able to enjoy the different colors.

Liquor Bottle Christmas Ornaments. OMG, why don’t we have these on our tree?? My parents tell me it’s because the kids would be running around with them. Sigh.

Liquor Bottle Nightlights. I get scared at night just like anybody, especially when I start thinking about zombies coming to get our chardonnay. If I had a booze nightlight I wouldn’t have to grind up against other, unwilling bears when I get frightened at night.

Dan Lacey's Susan Boyle and Cat Duet

And lastly, a wish for art. Sadly, this painting has been auctioned off on ebay, but I can dream.

Of course I’m not hedging my bets. Not really.

My Fellow Inebriates,

I was still recovering from my parents’ insensitive revelation that Santa’s been pretend all along, when my friend Scarybear went all apeshit at me on FB.

Scary thinks there’s no way anybody’s parents could ever deliver the swag Santa does.

I had thought that too, especially about my parents, who are always chasing clients for payment, saying the sky is falling and that we’ll be on bread and water soon.

I really want to believe that Santa’s real.

But it’s hard not to compile evidence now that the belief bubble’s been popped:

We have no chimney. How does he get into our house without doing a B&E?

"Magic."

Santa’s everywhere. Lots of them are fake. Maybe all of them are fake.

"Those ones are fake. The real one's real."

Why do my parents get sneaky and secretive just before Christmas?

"I don't know. Because tax season's coming?"

This is a honking big planet. How does Santa do it all in one night?

"IT'S MAGIC! MAGIC! IT'S MAGIC, YOU RETARD!"

I think Scary would be a good fit for the Tea Party. He’d probably be a good Flat Earth guy, too, if Star Trek hadn’t won him over already. His suspension of disbelief transcends any and all inconvenient information, leaving him free to believe whatever the hell he wants, and, just like all good believers, he knows it’s unquestioning faith that anchors the whole thing.

But what if he’s right? What if Santa’s for real and I’m going to miss the boat with my cynical questioning? OMG.

Okay, well, if I’ve messed everything up with Santa, there’s still another guy…and he comes tomorrow. YEAH!! Hanukkah Harry!…

Dear Hanukkah Harry,

I have a bad feeling I’ve been blacklisted by Santa, so I’m wondering if it’s too late to become Jewish. I’ve heard there are a few hoops to jump through, but maybe I can do them after New Year when I have more reading time.

I hear you visit for eight days rather than one, Harry, which makes me wish I’d known about you sooner. I’m really sorry I’m not Jewish yet, but if you don’t mind my waiting until next year to contact a rabbi, here are some little requests:

  • Day One: Smirnoff vodka
  • Day Two: Macadamia nut liqueur
  • Day Three: California Cult Classics Chardonnay
  • Day Four: Case of Cariboo
  • Day Five: Chairman’s Reserve Spiced Rum
  • Day Six: Blue Curacao
  • Day Seven: Bacardi 151
  • Day Eight: Jagermeister

I’m not really sure how you operate, Harry, or whether it’s cool to ask for Hanukkah booze. (I know it’s okay to ask Santa because he often looks inebriated.)

Lastly, if you know Santa, please don’t tell him I asked for all this stuff because I don’t want him to think I’m hedging my bets. Which I’m totally not—I asked for different booze from you—so it’s all good, right?

Cheers, Harry, and thanks for reading my last-minute letter. I’m sorry I didn’t believe in you before. Sometimes my parents keep valuable information from me.

Yours truly,

LB

ASTROLIQUOR for Dec. 16-22: What the stars say you should drink

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

This week sucks for you, Aries, but you’ll have to accept the mantle of Designated Driver. Even when you go out with friends who promise to be DD, they will let you down. So it’s fruit juice for you when you’re out, but make sure you have a nice bottle of wine for yourself when you’ve discharged your driving duties.

Taurus, your relationships with people are going to take a beating this week. Don’t hit the unfriend button yet; they’re only being temporary douchebags. For now, stay away from people and drink alone. You can do a lot of things with Skyy melon vodka, and there’s more left for you if you take the antisocial road. Try mixing it with 7-Up, sweet-and-sour mix, and a squeeze of lemon.

You had money coming a couple of weeks ago, but now you’ve spent it and things are a bit worrisome, Gemini. You’re going to be bumming drinks until the end of February. Stretch your vodka and gin by adding juice, crushed ice, sugar—whatever gives you more sipping time. It’s a drag to be busted, so make sure you don’t buy anything more expensive than Smirnoff.

Cancer, you’ve been ignoring your family and your ass is spreading all over your chair from spending 12 hours a day on the Internet. Try getting so drunk that you can’t read anything at all. It’ll be refreshing for you, and nice for your family to see you reeling around again. The best shortcut to inebriation: Southern Comfort with a touch of tonic and lime.

Stop rushing around, Leo, it’s stressing you out and it’s not very efficient in the end. The world will go on whether you are sober or drunk, so get plastered with a case of beer.

If you planned your days better, Virgo, you’d have more “you” time. Haha, just kidding, you have lots of “you” time. I see you spending it with a bottle of Bacardi 151 and some tabasco.

You often wait for people to call or email you, Libra, but it’s time for you to take some initiative. Find some people at the supermarket and invite them over. Make them Bailey’s-and-rum shots. If they ask you who the hell you are, invite them to rub lotion on you.

You’ll hear from an old friend you’ve been out of touch with, Scorpio. This easy-to-please pal will forget any ways you’ve been a jerk and happily go to work mixing drinks with you. But let’s face it, it’s awkward falling back into conversation with old friends, so you should fast-track getting wasted. Here’s a delightful recipe that will occupy you both so those uncomfortable silences don’t intrude on your reunion.

  • 3 oz gin
  • 1.5 oz Southern Comfort
  • 1 oz lemon liqueur
  • 1 oz peach liqueur
  • 1 oz lemon juice
  • 1 oz simple syrup
  • 1 oz peach juice (where the hell do you get that? ask your friend to bring it)

Sagittarius, it’s time to paint the house, literally. You have to choose your colors wisely, though, so make your trip to Benjamin Moore before you throw this wicked recipe together:

  • 3 oz tequila
  • 2 oz Malibu
  • 2 oz mango-flavored vodka
  • 2 oz pineapple liqueur
  • 1 oz Grand Marnier
  • Hawaiian Punch to taste (I’m using “none”)

Another good reason to do your paint shopping first: you don’t want to be an asshole and drive after consuming this.

Take the plunge this week, Capricorn. Regardless of what it is, go big or go home. Plug in appliances without reading the manual; book a vacation without reading the fine print; and make awesome drinks like this one:

  • 1 oz sloe gin
  • 1 oz advocaat
  • 1 oz cherry brandy

Layer all three kinds of booze into shot glasses. He who hesitates is lost—pound them.

It’s not a good week for you to go outside, Aquarius, because the stars are predicting your bike will get stolen or wrecked. Obviously transportation and drinking don’t mix, so you’ll wisely stay home to drown your sorrows. Here’s your beverage:

  • Equal parts gin, vodka, pineapple juice and orange soda
  • Splash of grenadine and a brandy to taste

After you’ve had six or so, someone important will phone you—probably offering you a coveted job or opportunity. You’ll be too shitfaced to articulate an answer.

Pisces, just because you don’t have money, you shouldn’t stop spending. Every drink bought for an acquaintance is a chance at networking. Pretty soon you’ll be out of the job you hate and into one of those cushy (mythical?)  liquid-lunch office jobs. Stick with vodka so the odor doesn’t betray how loaded you are.