My Fellow Inebriates,
Today was a historical day for this blog. Did my fellow inebriates see it when I whored the site out with sold a piece of anchor text a couple of weeks ago? Did you all go madly clicking? Goodness knows, but today a deposit was made in my PayPal account, putting Liquorstore Bear officially into the black. Booyah!
My parents were duly impressed and offered me a purple balloon. I said no, I couldn’t possibly handle the disappointment Miss V experienced yesterday when she let go of her own pink balloon in the playground. In disbelief she watched it slip from her hand and then erupted with the most horrific caterwauling ever heard in Langley. Poor V—it was hard not to feel sorry for her. It wasn’t just a balloon; it was “Ballooney” and she’d hand-picked it from a bunch at her cousin’s 4th birthday party. Ballooney sailed upwards indifferently until only Mum’s polarized lenses and my plastic eyes could place it—for V it had already vanished. For us a pink pinpoint remained for a few tantalizing moments longer, and then suddenly it was not there.
Meanwhile V was yowling like a damaged cat. She wanted Ballooney back. She demanded Ballooney back. And if you’ve ever met V…well, all you can do is give her a hug and wait.
So when my parents offered me a balloon, I told them they could go f*ck themselves. I had enough emotional scars, thank you very much, without shepherding a damn balloon until its inevitable demise.
V had been pretty demanding in the wake of her loss, specifying extra Easter eggs as a palliative and who knows how many games of Beat Your Neighbors. So I figured I’d ask for a beer.
It worked. BLACKHEART OATMEAL STOUT was duly poured, boasting 5.7% alcohol and pitch-black with creamy foam. Redolent of roasted malt and coffee grounds (not unpleasantly so), its initial impression is more of a pick-me-up than a relaxer. The coffee aroma is serious. Coupled with a distinctive oaty note, those espresso lashings suggest breakfast—which dovetails pretty well with my general agenda for LBHQ. Surely such a coffee-like brew is appropriate first thing in the morning….
The first sip packs an espresso wallop. Yum, if you like coffee, blech if you don’t. I love coffee, but only if there are absolutely no other beverages available. As you drink BLACKHEART you get sweet malt and cocoa along with that coffee plus a nutty finish. The mouthfeel is substantial without being chewy, and the carbonation is pretty punchy for the genre.
Don’t get the impression BLACKHEART OATMEAL STOUT is a one-note beer. There’s plenty to enjoy—even mild metallic hints if you’re given to those. They remind you that you can pound this sucker if you feel like it, or you can “session it” so you don’t get too hosed.
With the remaining $35 from the LBHQ earnings pile, I might consider buying BLACKHEART again. Then again, there’s a universe of booze out there to be sampled, so maybe not—at least not right away. In the meantime, I’m not proud—consider Liquorstore Bear at your service if you have any anchor text you’d like to place. 😉
Liquorstore Bear 
Ah balloons. I don’t think parents realize the emotional damage these harmless looking pieces of latex can do. When my son was young he attended a party at his karate school. When I asked him how it was all he said was, “so-and-so (I don’t remember who, luckily the psychological hold balloons have on you wane as you grow up) popped my balloon.” Then he paused for a moment and said, “Why did he do that?” He uttered those last five words with the greatest sadness I think I’ve ever heard my son use about anything not counting the death of family pets.
As for the rest, I missed the whoring. But I’m glad you were a smart whore – and made sure you kept the money. Enjoy the spoils!
Balloons are totally evil. Not only can they scar you emotionally, they’re an asphyxiation risk, plus they can scare the shit out of dad when he’s driving and get the whole family killed. Whee…
Discreet whoring. Well played. Black heart sounds like a winner, but you should definitely leverage your revenue and diversify.
Definitely one to watch for. The wanks say it’s sessionable too. How do you suggest I diversify? Like, diversify my whoring? I’m willing.
I was just suggesting you use the whoring proceeds for something other than Blackheart. Actually, $35 is a perfect dollar amount for a decent bottle of bourbon or gin.