Last night it occurred to me that this blog might not make much sense to my newer readers. Only so much can be rationalized by the statement “I was drunk,” so perhaps a summary would help catch new readers up.

LBHQ (Liquorstore Bear Headquarters) consists of four humans (five if you count Dolly—more on that later) and countless animals. Occasionally humans visit from outside (grandparents, uncles, aunts, friends), and of course the animal pile grows with every gift-giving occasion. Of all of us, there’s only one self-avowed alcoholic (guess who). But there are plenty of liquor aficionados, which keeps the supply slowly trickling through LBHQ (and I do mean trickling, as in seeping). So, MFI (that’s you, my fellow inebriates), here are the short strokes.

CAST OF CHARACTERS

The Humans

Dad

Formerly self-employed but now working for the man, Dad is the quintessential geek. Never without a handful of electronic devices, he is plugged in all day, all the time, without ever being punctual.

Hobbies

• Music
• Stereo gear
• Golf (in his dreams)

Mum

Brimming with frustration and often spinning her career wheels, the Talking Heads lyric “How did I get here?…” best explains her parenting. Although she usually has my back, she would be fully capable of buying a bear-skin rug.

Hobbies

• Eating
• Reading
• Heaving steel

Miss P

With two months till her seventh birthday and a smile devoid of the important teeth, P’s power to frighten bears has recently ratcheted up.

Hobbies

• Dressing up
• Dressing bears up
• Bonking bears on the head

Miss V

The most intense personality at LBHQ, V loves all animals, as long as they do her bidding. She is that kid who, when you say you’re really leaving the playground and she’d better come along or she’ll get left behind, will never fall for it.

Hobbies

• Demanding food and then ignoring it
• Celebrating birthdays (Chihuahua has had at least 15 this year)
• World domination

Nana

Part cyborg, part human, all mama to my dad, Nana doesn’t visit us often enough, but when she does she brings Italian and French wines, enlarging our tasting repertoire and messing with my dad by making him guess how much they cost.

Hobbies

• Hosting massive parties
• Creating one-of-a-kind cakes (the kids say they “want kirsch” in the next one; don’t ask me how they thought of it)
• Replacing her knees with high-tech implants

Papa

Not a cyborg but married to one, Papa is my dad’s dad, and very good at it. Industrious and project-oriented, he always has something going on.

Hobbies

• Co-hosting massive parties
• Wine tasting
• Spying on birds

The Animals

Scarybear

Apocalyptic and mangy, Scary can remember a time before kids when he had the TV all to himself. Asked about his origins, Scary will tell you he was caught in a leghold trap and brought by force to Toys R Us, right before he caught a giant salmon…

Hobbies

• Science fiction
• Conspiracy theory
• Speculating how the world will end

Blackie Bear

My go-to friend when I feel anxious, Blackie also hails from the liquor store, although he doesn’t romanticize it the way I do. He thinks we need more girl bears at LBHQ, and he’s probably right.

Hobbies

• Relaxing
• Chilling
• Letting me misquote him

Chihuahua

Three inches tall and attached to a hook, Chihuahua is Miss V’s most prized animal. The one time she “accidentally” tore its hook off, she screamed until it was sewn back on.

Hobbies

• Yapping
• Getting lost in small spaces
• Appearing suddenly at the dinner table

Fluffy Bear

Scary’s long-lost and much fluffier twin, Fluffy lived seven years in Ireland with our granny. Shipped to LBHQ after her death last year, Fluffy is perpetually catatonic. He uses his mind (presumably under Granny’s control) to make things go bump in the night. I am totally freaked out by him.

Hobbies

• Staring
• Listening
• Plotting

Dolly

My sometimes-but-mostly-not girlfriend, Dolly often gets lost in the toybox. Her open-minded attitude toward interspecies coupling lends refreshing perspective to LBHQ. Because she is a proven furvert, I’m including her with the animals.

Hobbies

• Sarcasm alternated with confusingly genuine affection
• Bear-baiting
• YouTube projects