My Fellow Inebriates,
We are getting a new hot water tank today. (How much vodka is that worth?)
Apparently it is a top-of-the-line model that will save us a bundle. This is good, because the kids could really use more frequent baths (not that I’m one to talk).
The new unit replaces an old hot water heater that featured compelling Dantean imagery:
Clip Snark, this one’s for you.
Liquorstore Bear 
I wonder why he is wearing mittens? I bet his hands aren’t cold anymore.
They must be oven mitts. Too little too late, buddy.
It burns! It burns!
And the new heater has one of those guys on it too (slightly different but equally fatal scene).