ASTROLIQUOR for March 30 to April 5—What the stars say you should drink!

My Fellow Inebriates,

Here’s your booze horoscope:

You’re going to hear an awesome piece of news over the telephone, Aries. So turn your cell on, or at least record a VM message that doesn’t make you sound like a douche. For one week you’re going to enjoy the feeling of having a soulmate—even if you don’t believe in soulmates. The result is a dreamy state, complemented nicely by Kahlua and amaretto in equal parts. (When it all goes to hell next week you can hit the rum.)

Taurus, you may be a mess personally but you’ll solve tons of problems at work this week. You’ll become a savior of sorts in the office, but don’t get dragged into being the Office Problem Solver. Keeping a low profile is much more fun. If there’s any danger of too much corporate success, hit the bottle. Here’s a conspicuous mix for your flask: 2 parts bourbon, 1 part triple sec and 1 part creme de menthe. No one’s giving you a corner office with that on your breath.

You’ll reconnect with some lovely friends this week, Gemini, but don’t let them into your personal space. They may be lovely for one drunken lunch, but you’ll find they turn needy if you tolerate them too much. Your best bet is to mingle wildly. Meet some new people. Take them home and make them some wild drinks (I’m thinking Yukon Jack with cherry brandy and Southern Comfort).

Get ready to meet the law this week, Cancer. Don’t worry, nobody’s gonna bust you. Instead you’ll find yourself dealing with boring legal matters…property or estates. And when you’re bored out of your head, the best solution is to blow your bank account on an exotic vacation. Choose one where the drinks are included and the sky’s the limit. When you order citrus vodka mixed with creme de cacao, you want a bartender who’s used to that kind of crazy shit.

Leo, the week looks productive but hectic, not to mention stress-inducing. Whenever somebody agitates you, mix yourself a Sidecar. Ahhh! If the people agitating you happen to be children, your head will be so full of cognac and triple sec by the end of the day that you’ll be off the hook for bedtime duties. Sounds like a parenting plan.

Unforeseen expenses will crop up this week, Virgo, leaving you temporarily high and dry. It’s just the tip of the iceberg—finances are going to shit. This means budgeting: no Midori Melon for you! No creme de cacao either! We’re talking cans of Pilsner. And if you want to continue buying those, you may have to live outside for a while. This is a good way to meet interesting people…maybe a special someone (with lice) on Saturday.

Libra, you’re not your extroverted self this week. Friends don’t know what to make of it; honestly, they think you’re being a tool. Don’t worry, it’s just temporary. This is a good week to hole up by yourself until the mood passes. Here’s a project to keep you busy:

  • 1 oz DeKuyper Buttershots
  • 1 oz Everclear
  • 2 oz whisky
  • 1 oz vodka
  • Splash grenadine
  • Splash orange juice

Shake it with ice and strain into a martini glass. Good luck—you are going to be messed up.

You have the feeling that everyone likes you, Scorpio. It doesn’t matter if it’s true; what matters is the positive vibe you radiate. Your optimism warms people and lures them into your warped world. These people are really nice, so take it easy on them. If they fail to challenge your intelligence, get drunk and they will seem smarter. Here’s your recipe:

  • 3 oz coconut vodka
  • 6 oz banana liqueur
  • 3 oz peach schnapps
  • 3 oz orange juice
  • 1 cup pineapple juice

There. Now your friends will seem smarter and better looking. And so will you until you vomit.

Sagittarius, your circle of acquaintances will widen this week, possibly through business travel. You’ll bond solidly with new people and learn about an unfamiliar culture. Nothing goes as well with this sort of personal enrichment as vodka and white wine. Make sure you buy a lottery ticket so you can win the money to pay for it, otherwise you’ll be mooching off your new pals.

Lay off the work this week, Capricorn, and indulge your imagination. For too long your colleagues have been bugging you to prepare spreadsheets and reports. Tell them what to do with themselves! With creative ideas like the ones bubbling around in your brain, who needs a job? Your head is as full of creative notions as it is vodka. For extra inspiration, mix that vodka with Kahlua, rum, and amaretto.

Aquarius, you’ll feel a strong urge to call in sick this week, and it might be a bad idea. Here’s why. If you stay home, you’ll never get out of your jammies. You won’t even make coffee. Instead, you’ll pour a bottle of vodka into a punchbowl. You’ll add four cans of limeade, followed by a case of beer. You’ll mix everything up until the limeade liquefies. And that will be your day.

Pisces, it’s not a strong week for discipline and responsibility. If you can confine your immaturity to your own inner thoughts, you shouldn’t do too much damage. If, however, you act upon your urges, you’ll spend much of the week with a head full of Jagermeister and peach schnapps. Needless to say, you won’t get that promotion.

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